Fuck You, Time Warner

Apologies to everyone who actually reads this on a daily basis, especially to those who emailed asking what happened. No, I'm not dead, but the internet has been broken at my house for a few days and it won't be fixed until Monday. Because my cable company sucks cholo asshole.

Rest assured I will be back with new observations and stories about living life as recklessly as possible while disconnected. It's been an interesting week.

Love you. Mean it.

Oh, and the games are on today, so go watch!

How Charming!

Oh look, more bullshit personality tests!

Your Charm makes you bewitching

It's not hard to see why you're so enchanting. Flirty and fun, you emanate a glow that others can't help but notice. No need to concoct a brew of toads and lizards, your magnetic personality is all you need to cast a spell on others.You're a friendly and outgoing person who makes other folks feel at ease. Not to mention, you're a sweetheart who's a great friend to just about everyone. You're just the right mix of sultry and sweet, and that's why you're so fascinating. So, keep leaving 'em spellbound. It's magical!

Are You Bewitching?

I do like apples. Do you like apples?

Sweet & Evil

I prefer milk chocolate myself, but since I'm allergic to all of it...I must be mostly evil. I'm okay with that:

Dark Chocolate You scored 45% sweet and 64% evil!

Your flavor is strong, rich, a little dark. You aren't over sweetened, just your natural goodness shining through. Some may like their milk chocolate, but many know the allure of dark chocolate.

Well that's 100% true. Take this very idiotic test yourself at The Sweet-Evil Test.

Seduction Style Simplified

Not because I've run out of things to tell you, but because I kind of need a mental break from trying to write anything at all, this is going to become Meaningless Memes Week.

Feel free to comment with your own answers. Some of these are fatally stupid, but some are rather entertaining.

Like today's, which was rather simplistic, and yet not so far off target:

I do like shiny pretty things, despite having a perverse mindset.

Hee hee.

Photoblogging Friday 3.23.07

On a recent Sunday in Los Angeles, some people went out and ran a marathon. On that same day in my cousin's backyard, a young boy showed us he could run too:

Look at me!

I know, I post a lot of pictures of my niece and nephew. Sue me. It's rare I shoot anything else these days. But next week I promise to find something different.

Maybe.

The Harem, Part 4

Until I add more reading material, this is the end:

Random Acts of Genius - I don't know who started reading who first, but we can both blame H. Wood for the introduction. Jeen Yes is okay in my book because I can call him an asshole and he will still root for my alma mater during March Madness. He just needs to post more often because he's the type that waits until the next blue moon and then has the gall to moderate his comments.

Skookum Joe - The tales of a crazy ex-Canadian who woke up from an acid trip in Australia about 10 years ago and decided to stick it out. He now has cats, dogs, and 2 Ps, and sometimes posts quizzes which earn me a kangaroo and a half. I found him through Exile, and stayed when he let me join the Baboon Army Compound. Where we clone baboons that will one day run the world for us while P4 shoots hate rays at anyone they miss. It's a win-win situation.

Steve Novak - This is where you can go for off-the-wall crazy tales about Steve's childhood or his wife. With plenty of profanity, just how I like it. Steve is another one I found through Exile and he's fucking hysterical. There are some pretty good cartoons thrown in for good measure too.

The Disposable Chronicles - The very catalyst for this multi-post excursion, J prompted me to do this by getting it on with Jack Daniels one night and saying really nice things about my blog. So I'm just returning the favor. In an endless universe of poorly written, downright shitty content, J actually entertains me. He's also about to become a daddy for the first time, and has rapid healing abilities. Which he will hopefully pass on to his offspring.

The Virgin Chronicles - What started as Jane magazine's experiment for a virgin to find love before turning 30 has become a forum for her to experiment with serial dating. Apparently she didn't date much in her formative years and hasn't quite gotten it figured out yet. Her 30th birthday has long since passed, without sex, and she starts every post with "So..." It's rather annoying, but for some reason I keep checking in. Morbid curiousity, I guess. She's a trainwreck who doesn't write well at all, but I'm curious to see if she'll actually end up having sex. Ever.

Waiter Rant - By far one of THE best blogs written by a "non-writer." He's a waiter! Who has gained internet notoriety for how well he captures the waiter/diner dynamic. The best is when he bitches about his yuppy customers. But having lived previous lives as a priest-in-training and a mental health professional, he has a good deal of insight into the human condition, and how he winds all of that into his posts is what makes this a good read. To quote J, worth 5 minutes of your life. I just wish he posted with more consistency.

And that's it. It's short, but mostly worth it.

The Harem, Part 3

Like Jeen Yes will tell you, I like lists. And so, we continue on down mine:

Manifest My Desire - Also a product of reading all that Roonie has to offer, Bengali Chick is rad because she's tough. And I think she's legally allowed to carry a gun, which is kind of like my life goal, making her my idol. I've only recently started reading her stuff, but am impressed thus far. Well-written with all those great things like proper grammar and an LA address.

Mumble, Mumble, Mumble - This used to be where my girl C-Dub once and a while posted about her cross-country adventures, but she's currently planning her wedding, so it's defaulted to nothing more than a picture I took and some Latin. I had no idea she was part Roman. Regardless, I could share stories of how she and I used to be partners in crime during the Rock Star Years, but that might get me arrested in a few states. Suffice to say that since there are many incriminating pictures, neither of us will ever be running for office.

Over Here - The now-defunct blog of Dr. Danger, AKA Sandra, who has left Over Here for Back There. She will eventually resurface with a new moniker and stories, but she is currently incognito. Where oh where did our little Sandra go...

Overworked & Underf*cked - Is definitely NOT safe for work. Mostly because there are naked penises on there and who doesn't love a hard, naked phallus? I vote yes for naked meat! Mmm, meat. Avatar does a real service to the community at large not only with her salacious pictures, but also with her own brand of brutal retells of sexual exploits and naughty conversations. My favorite was the one about her and a friend trying to have lunch while a bunch of godless screaming ankle biters ran amok all over the restaurant.

Perrero - a team blog that is driven mostly by the content of married couple David & Julie Scott. They like God, sex, and pop culture, so they can't be all that bad. AND they're also native Californians, which scores biggie points from me. David is a real writer guy, and Julie and I started the ICO Club, which you will have to comb the archives to read about, but it's worth it. They gave me my own label just for that post. One day we will all meet and I'm sure I'll like them more in person than online. For now, we thank Rodger for being our blog intersection.

Post*Boy - What was once known as the Legend of a Drunken Mouse is now a grown up boy. I found him through Jennie Smash, and since he gets ranty, he gets my vote. She teases him about not being able to drink like a man, and he writes complete nonsequiters up in the corner. It's like a two-fer.

The Harem, Part 2

Continuing on with why you should click on the blogroll links:

FreshBlade - The tales of an undercover surgeon who I strongly suspect has an Irish accent. Despite the fact that this incarnation is just a few posts old, I'm willing to bet there will be a lot of entertaining "blethering," some very good examples of photographic wonder, and also tales of the what hospital life is like behind the scenes. À la Scrubs, but with more redheads and not-American accents.

GeezohPetes! - The trials and tribulations of one Roonie-licious, who lives her life out loud and without regard for your rules of her behavior. I admire her for her scathing and well-written honesty. She's great at wielding words like a sword and will cut you down in no time flat. She's one of my favoritest real life in person people who just happens to blog too, but now that she's off in Tejas, I rely on her blog to keep me looped in to the cowboy culture.

Jennie SMASH - I'd been reading Jennie's blog for a couple of years before I had the balls to link to it because she's, like, a professional writer. You know, one of those intimidating people that actually gets paid to commit thoughts to paper and is good with them words? Yeah, one of those. I have a soft spot for NYers who aren't native but still all about the city. Kind of in the exact opposite way that I feel about non-native Angelenos. Read her. Now.

Jet Blach Jabber - I forced H. Wood to be my friend when he moved to Los Angeles last summer, mostly because he seemed to like to drink and who doesn't like fresh meat new people? He played along for a while. He also used to be one of those real writer people, which is what makes his blog a good read. Someone who can actually write, imagine! He's inconsistent with his posting, which is infuriating, but we do allow people to have actual lives here at Exoterica. I guess.

Just Another Girl... - Kali found me through Roonie and I have since stolen her idea for naming your girlie parts. Mostly because the Girls and I will use any excuse to introduce new words into the lexicon, and crotchles is the best one yet. Plus, she has kind of an art deco French boudouir thing going on with her blog template. And she seems like a nice girl.

Lil Bit of This... - The Princess is one of my oldest friends and makes up one-fourth of the aforementioned Girls who make life delicious. By default, she is given a spot in The Harem. Plus, she likes to rant about bullshit she has to deal with, like the fact that a SWAT team was running around her neighborhood the other morning, which she now firmly believes is a ghetto. (She doesn't actually live in the ghetto, but a very nice neighborhood within a mile of a golf course, so don't be fooled.) She also has more boobs than brains, but that's just a joke I came up with at Disneyland. Her brain is very big, but her boobies protect us from terrorists.

The Harem, Part 1

Last week, J of The Disposable Chronicles decided to explain why he links to other blogs. I scored high on his coolness scale, which kicks all sorts of ass. Mostly because I don't even know the guy and he thinks I'm "extremely competent," so clearly I don't completely suck at fooling strangers. I think he only likes my blog because he's awestruck by Los Angeles, but that's okay. I like his blog because he posts consistently AND enjoys his alcohol. I imagine if we were ever to meet in person, we'd have a drunken good time talking about everything from how Walmart caters to the most grossly obese of the population to why meat is good. Plus, I admire the Canadian ability to live in an arctic-adjacent region. Snow sucks.

The rest in alpha order:

8763 Wonderland - Rodger Jacobs is an honest-to-god writer who just happens to blog sometimes. Well, he used to, when he wasn't dealing with the lemons life has dealt him lately. He found me by happenstance, but it turns out LA is a very small town and we actually had a few people in common. The freakiest of which is the father of one of my oldest friends, who also just so happens to be one of the semi-notorious figures at the center of the Wonderland murders (the prosecutor). Morbid, but true.

Anonymous Lawyer - I read about this in a magazine my company publishes, so I can read it at work and it's not considered screwing off. I have a sneaking suspicion that one of my clients is the one running the site, but when confronted, he played dumb. Lawyers are good at that. The dumbness, I mean.

Be The Boy - Will is hysterical. Plus, he once told me my blog made him want to make out with me. He has the audacity to get married on my birthday, a move for which he will never be forgiven, but we shouldn't hold people's mistakes against their blogs. He's funny, the Boy.

Customers Suck - This isn't a blog, but a communal journal for bitter retail workers with a poor grasp of the English language and its grammar rules to bitch about their customers. Once you get past the really shitty syntax, it's rather entertaining. Mostly because it's not me doing their job.

Drink More Jack - What's better than a cute, smart man who knows his whisky? Really, not a lot. DMJ is witty and intelligent, making you want to get to know the man behind it. Which I did once, over drinks in a bar in San Francisco. He introduced me to Bushmills Black, and for that I am forever in his debt. Despite his blue eyes. He's also the only person I've ever met from Kansas City, which is currently batting 1.000 in the awesome people population stats. And he's a good read to boot!

Exile Industries - Exile is a trip. But he knows how to get partially naked for the camera, show off his snake, and post blue haiku. These days he's smitten with a Canadian. Those damn Canadians. They're taking over the world, I tell ya.

More to come...

Easy Like Sunday Morning

I can't decide if it's pure laziness or a basketball addiction that has kept me home all weekend. This weekend when there was a perfectly good internationally-sanctioned drinking holiday on a Saturday night. But it conflicted with the UCLA game. Even if there is a sports bar within walking distance. But I did wear a green shamrock under my alma mater's sweatshirt.

Now, I should be in the shower, getting ready for my little cousin's 8th birthday. I haven't even brushed my teeth yet. I'm only online because I want to make sure the party doesn't interfere with this afternoon's games, and to see what the talking heads and other bloggers are saying about the games.

Would it be horrible of me to miss the party?

Photoblogging Friday 3.16.07

As an homage to one of the most fascinating people, here's a picture Roonie took with my camera over lunch at the Tofu House in Koreatown:

"Ooh, it looks like blood!"

She's moving to Houston this weekend. Run on over to her Geez Oh Petes! and wish her farewell.

She's a blast!

College Hoopla

Ah, March Madness! With the games kicking off this week, I will be spending much time in front of my teevee. Especially Thursday, when I'll be rushing home to watch UCLA kick ass. They really have no excuse not to.

What I'd like to see: the Bruins get their revenge for last year's final showdown and once again get to the championship game. And then make it another crosstown rivalry and beat the shit out of those Trojans.

Yeah right. Like USC is going to make it that far? Please.

Make up your own brackets here.

The one thing I will give Florida, H-O-T coach.

Adding to the Male Population

My baby brother announced today that they are having a little boy.

My niece is not very happy. She wanted a girl. But she's only 5, so she'll get over it.

My father, I assume, is ecstatic. Another boy to carry on the family name and all.

The child will be given the name of kings, especially Russian ones. With an Indian middle name, in deference to his mommy's father. But what we're really curious about is whether he will take after his mother, who at 4'11" barely weighs 100 pounds (plus the baby growing inside, of course) or his father who towers at about six-foot-three.

(For our non-American friends, that's 1.5 meters vs. 1.91 meters.)

All the men in our family are tall, so we'll see if that carries forth.

My brother is going have a son...it's fucking amazing!

***

In other family news, today is also my older brother's birthday. He's old. Happy 40th, Big Fish!

Um...Okay?

When is it acceptable to say "I'm going to spank you!"?

- to a naughty child: maybe, depending on your views regarding corporal punishment

- to a naughty lover: yes

- when you're a man, talking to your penis: I suppose...

- when it's a client* reacting to my marketing proposal: probably not

*it's not even this same guy! sheesh-ala...

Overheard at Disneyland

Today is the Princess' 29th birthday. She and I have been friends since we were seven years old. There are many, many, many memories spanning those 22 years. Like NKOTB. Heh.

To celebrate, we spent Saturday at Disneyland. What happens when The Girls get together? Zaniness. Add a dash of the happiest place on earth, and we're full on wacko (especially after the margaritas at Ariel's Grotto...thank god they didn't give us whipped cream!).

At the Princess' house before we left:

Princess: Here's a picture from us in 6th grade!
GPG: Oh Jesus Christ...look, there's the Princess with her real hair color.
La Ria: *smirks* Nice dresses.
GPG: It was 1990, ruffles were in!

***

In the car on the way in:

GPG: *to the Princess* How did we get back in touch?
P: Myspace...I found you on JTS' page and figured if he remembered me, you'd have to.
Krazy Mommy: *from the front seat* Wait, who are you again?

***

On the carousel:

GPG: Did you guys ever read this blog about naming your vaginas? I'm gonna start calling it Crotchles.
LR: The Crothles District!
GPG: Since KM has kids, she should call hers Bertha.
KM: No, that's my grandmother's name!!

(We nearly fell off our animals, we were laughing so hard at this.)

KM: Instead of the Vagina Monologues, we can call it the Vagina Dialogue.
LR: VD!
GPG: We have VD.

***

Continuing in the line to Pirates of the Caribbean:

KM: Since La Ria is so quiet and sweet, we should calls hers something sassy. Like your alter ego.
LR: Quiet and sweet?
P: Yeah, so it should be something evil!
KM: Like the Devil Inside.
P: Or Pillowpants!!
LR: Huh?
GPG: Didn't you see Clerks 2???
LR: I don't remember that.
GPG: Movie night on Friday: we're watching Borat and Clerks 2, dammit.
P: Got them both.
GPG: And I'm going to call it Meow-meow from now on.

***

On the tram back to the car:

GPG: Back to the gym this week, Princess?
P: Definitely.
KM: I don't know how you guys work out, I hate it.
P: The endorphins are really great.
GPG: Sometimes almost better than a Meow-meow workout!

We talk about sex and our privates a lot. Girls are just like guys in that respect, we're just prettier and have boobies.

And I'm sure there are a lot of other funny things we said and did, but after 12 hours at D-land, we hurted a lot. I sounded like a 30-year smoker all day Sunday from all the screaming on the rides all day. Hot.

But that's why I love my girls. Happy birthday, little one!! Hope the Rock Star makes it a good one tonight. ;)

Photoblogging Friday 3.9.07

We're back to the old rigamarole this Friday. Because life is slowly going back to normal. In the meantime, I treat you to a picture my niece took last Sunday:

Hello, doggie.

She takes after someone you all know. And she's only 5.

Exoterica One Year Later

It seems unreal, but I've actually been at this little online experiment for a full year as of today. I don't think I've ever committed to something that long. Wow, go me.

And what an interesting year it has been. I've met (and drank with) a gang of delightful people, some of whom live over there in the GPG Harem. They brought more people to the party, and now everyone knows that the Curly-Haired Girl loves tequila and her boobs, has a horrible memory, breaks easily, and celebrates the hell out of her birthday.

What more was there?

Here are the highlights:

- The Intro: welcome to me. I'm crazy. And cute. And everyone loves me.
- The Theory: it's the only thing you'll ever need to know about relationships
- 28 Vital Stats: the birthday edition of "welcome to me"
- I'm a Logical Creature: it's true
- I Fall Out of Bed: and sometimes I run till it hurts
- When I'm Unemployed: I drink and wear funny socks
- Foreign Boys: *swoon*
- Good Kisser Boys: also good for dancing in the rain
- International Spying: my new hobby
- Queen of Lists: it's good to be the queen. And a photographer. With boobs. And curly hair.
- Blue & Gold: school spirit rah rah rah!
- Platonica is Hard: like diamonds, and just as rare
- Running Sucks: like, for miles and miles and miles. And then more miles.
- Valentine's Day: yay, I'm not a cynic!!
- I Make Bad Choices, Sometimes: then lock them up in GPG Jail
- But Sometimes I Do Good: really good...and blog drunk

Want more? Read over the girls, a certain man, overheard..., and then pick your own favorites.

Also, thanks for reading. And commenting. You're the bestest!

Overheard at The Geffen

Best line heard all weekend:

Greg Germann in Speed-the-Plow: You're a bought-and-paid-for whore and you think you're a ballerina because you work with your legs!

This, to Jon Tenney. Who I adore. I would have his babies.

And you know how I feel about celebrities. Except George Clooney. And now, Jon Tenney.

Mmmm.

Overheard at Sunday Dinner

Most every Sunday, we gather around our parents' dining room table for a family dinner. Usually there's a Puerto Rican meal on the table. And wine. After a few glasses, we get a little loopy:

GPG: Where's the salsa?

Mom: No hay [we don't have any].

GPG: ¿Como que no hay? [what do you mean we don't have any???]

Dad: Your mother forgot how to be a Mexican.

***

Mom: I'm going to Peru.

GPG: ¿Cuando?

Mom: I don't know. I just want to go.

Dad: Probably after I die.

GPG: Dad, that's horrible! You should go together.

Dad: You know they built a railroad up to the top of Macho Pico...Mashoo...

Mom: Mocho...

GPG: Machu Picchu.

Dad: Mucho Pishu

Baby Brother: Mucho Pussy?

There was a time talking like that at the dinner table got us grounded. Now, it's hilarity. Go figure.

February by the Numbers

Did you come here expecting another picture for your Friday? You're shit out of luck because I didn't feel like looking for one. Instead, a recap of what has been the craziest month of the year thus far:

4 weeks of abject stress, tension and worry
24 days in pain thanks to that
1 ex-Marine good for relieving the pressure
3 blissful days on holiday
26.2 miles in less than seven hours
2 days eating EVERYTHING in sight to make up for that
12 days of recuperation
5 pounds gained
215 hours spent in the office
1 quazillion dollars in overtime
3 hours of Girl Time spent avoiding the water at Jerry's
7 dollars for a damn good Sunday morning breakfast
100 dollars on tequila and scotch in Los Feliz
2 Saturdays spent avoiding the clueless Girl Stalker
1 entire Saturday afternoon hopping from one movie theater to another
4 weekends in a row with at least one of The Girls
2 sets of boobies ready to protect us
90 minutes of the most horribly self-indulgent production of crap that passes for live theater in LA
15 minute intermission
7 minutes on a perfectly timed phone call from a certain man
2 girls exponentially better off for that
1 evening with the indomitable Rodger Jacobs
30 minutes from downtown to Van Nuys in rush hour traffic
3 day blogging vacation that effectively screwed up my sense of time and chronology
450 legal eagles observing the State of the Courts
3 hours that made my career
4 hours celebrating with basketball, whisky, and a new contract