Happy Birthday to Me!!!

On this last hour of my day of celebration, I present to you 28 random facts about little ol' me:

1. My stupid human trick is that I can identify the make and model of a car from its headlights in my rearview mirror. But I'm still a little sketchy on the newer models. I don't actively work at this. It just kind of comes naturally. I have no idea how or why.

2. If forced to, I could subsist on a diet made up completely of hummus, sushi, chicken satay with peanut coconut sauce, and Jack in the Box tacos. And tequila. With some diet Coke thrown in once in a while for variety's sake. Oh, and some water too.

3. Being half Puerto Rican, the joke amongst my friends is that I am violent when angry (which is not necessarily true--or untrue). Rumor has it I will cut you if you displease me. My ex-boyfriend bought me a little pocket knife just for that reason, thinking it funny. He did this on the day we broke up. Can you say "stupid"? He did stay out of reach after that, though...

4. The other half is Mexican, and as such, I am an utter tequila snob. I like what I like and don't care what anyone thinks about it. My three favorite brands are, in no particular order, Cazadores, Corzo and Corazon. (I have a thing for Cs, apparently.) Don't try to entice me with Patrón or, worse yet, Cuervo. Because (see number 3) I will cut you!

4a. Don't ruin my tequila with salt, lime, or worse yet, margarita mix. There's no need for window dressing on good tequila. Chill it, serve it, sip it. That's how I like it, that's how I want it. No training wheels.

5. My mother, who is from the state of Jalisco where tequila is made, is a bona fide border jumper. 30 years ago she ran across the border. But last summer, when I was stuck on a bus trying to get back in the country and make it to Street Scene on time and called her to ask where the damn trail was to sneak back in the country, she couldn't remember. Apparently becoming a citizen means you forget that rubbish.

6. Spanish was technically my first language, but it quickly disappeared once I started kindergarten. I'm rather ashamed of this, and wish I wasn't too lazy to relearn it.

7. I have this strange TMJ issue that causes my mouth to lock up on the right side. When it finally pops, I'm always reminded of a snake unhinging its jaw. Needless to say, I don't eat rats...but sometimes I can't eat at all because I can't open my mouth. As you can imagine, this has a negative impact on certain activities.

8. My favoritest time in my life so far was my early 20s, when all my friends were guys in bands and every weekend was one debaucherous adventure after another. That was back when I could get by on little sleep and my lockjaw didn't hinder my fun at all. Now everyone's grown up, or gone on tour, and I need more sleep than I'm comfortable admitting.

9. That last statement made me feel really old.

10. At work, I'm the youngest person in my department. But also a level below everyone else. This doesn't bother me since I consider it a very temporary situation (the level, not the job), and know I shouldn't be comparing myself to other people my age. But sometimes I wonder if I should be farther along in my career, now that I have one that I absolutely love.

11. I was once involved in a completely unsatisfactory affair with an egotistical yet awful lay of a man. I don't understand why I still yearn for it on occasion. Maybe because he was a really great kisser.

12. I hate egotistical men. Arrogance is a huge turn-off. But so is wimpiness. I like my men confident, ambitious, but sweet and creatively-inclined. And tall, dark, and handsome. But I'm not a cliché.

13. The way a man hugs is almost as important as how he kisses. I need strong, enveloping embraces. A man who can't do that needs to a) learn how, or b) stay away from me. Because I love to hug.

14. When I was about 4 years old, I was nearly run over by a car. Because I was laying in the middle of the street. Waiting for it to run me over. Because I wanted to see what would happen.

15. That story got me accepted into UCLA. Twice.

16. It took me 6 years to graduate from college. My Ivy League credits didn't transfer for shit. Because the Ivy League sucks. And so does Philadelphia.

17. College made me terrible at math. I can barely do long division anymore. Thank god for calculators.

18. I love scary movies. The first movie I remember being really scared at was The Lost Boys. I was 9 and couldn't get to sleep that night, despite the fact that my mom slept in my room with me. I was convinced the vampires were going to fly through my window at any moment. It's still one of my favorite movies.

19. I don't care for Jennifer Aniston, Claire Danes, Jason Schwarztman, Gwenyth Paltrow or Julia Roberts (except in Pretty Woman). I won't see their movies unless forced to at gunpoint. And will be very grumpy about the entire experience.

20. What I really wanted for my birthday was a trip to the shooting range. I want to fire my friend's carbon fiber shotgun, but I'm afraid of the kickback.

21. I bruise too easily. It's not unusual for me to wake up with bruises I never remember getting. Given that I'm pathologically clumsy, I just accept I bumped into something at some point. It's not pretty.

22. I share my birthday with Bono, Fred Astaire, and my nephew C-note (not his real name). On C-note's first birthday, I turned 26. He had a piñata party in the park (so Mexican!). My friends and I crashed the party, brought my own piñata, and took over the bounce house. It was the best birthday I've ever had.

23. When I was a teenager, I wished Holden Caulfield was a real guy so we could play catch in a rye field. I didn't realize at the time what a drag depressed people are.

24. Sometimes I miss the thrill of being a teenager sneaking behind her parents' backs. There's nothing like the risk of getting caught doing something naughty. There's nothing comparable to it now that won't land me in jail.

25. I recognize my short-lived adrenaline junkie phase must have scared the shit out of my parents. The older I get the less I want to bungie jump.

26. I really must be an old lady.

27. 27 was a really good age.

28. That's why I'm staying that age for another year. At least.