Overheard in the Family #15

My baby brother has apparently been reading my blog lately. He emailed me today to say it's hilarious. Yay, I made him laugh simply recounting conversations we've had! So I decided to feature him and the Shambot some more. This one is especially offensive, but we laughed so hard, I can't not share. Also, I've never worried about offending anyone on here, so why start now?

We had the baby brother's birthday dinner at a nice restaurant on Coronado Island. The weather was lovely and the food at was quite delicious.

Instead of family-style dining, we usually all order something different and take liberties eating off each other's plates. It's the best way to go. I was torn between bacon-wrapped shrimp and bacon-wrapped filet mignon, but my brother went for the steak so I opted for the shellfish.

Of course, we never let the opportunity to make religious jokes in truly poor taste slide. Which is why this happened:

Baby Brother: Babe, you want some of my steak? Or is Allah going to be mad?

Shambot: Yeah, give me some. I think He'll be more mad at me because of the whole out-of-wedlock baby thing.

GPG: Do you have to fly yourself into a building now?

Even my parents laughed. We are all going to hell!

Overheard in the Family #14

My baby brother's birthday and first father's day was this weekend. In order to maximize the partying, I took the train down on Friday night. No traffic, no misery, just a great view of the ocean for most of the way down.

Usually, the Shambot and I gang up on the poor guy. But since it was his weekend, we ganged up on the Shambot instead. Because she can take it as hard as she dishes it out, this is usually a lot of fun.

Except when they ganged up on me. I got carded at the tequila bar. My baby brother did not.

Shambot: Take it as a compliment.

Baby brother: Yeah, you're old. But at least you don't look it.

GPG: I'm not old.

BB: Dude, you're THIRTY.

GPG: You guys keep thinking that's an insult, but it's not.

BB: THIRTY!

GPG: It's an accomplishment. You don't know what I did in my twenties. I'm lucky to have made it this far.

Shambot: You were a whore, weren't you?

GPG: Hey, at least I didn't get pregnant!

That pretty much shut the Shambot up. But we all knew it was just fun and games. Because Baby Aladdin is totally awesome.

Then we went home and played Grand Theft Auto IV. I forgot how much fun shooting people in the face can be!

May by the Numbers

I love May. Not just because of my birthday, but there's also a sense of giddy anticipation floating in the air. Spring is here, summer is just around the corner, and it always feels like I'm getting into my groove again. It's a great time of the year.

3 weekends with the adorable Baby Aladdin
2 events with the adorable feds
4 birthdays celebrated
134 combined years reached
1 new promotion to work towards
1 horrible dream about messing up my presentation
20 minutes before technical difficulties did actually screw it up
5 mortifying minutes trying to get tech support to fix it
20 very understanding attendees
4 personnel changes
3 days planning for contingencies
1 very exhausting round of chess
1 round of completely surprising text flirting
32 years of scotch promised for the next date
3 hours networking
40 mostly socially inept individuals
1 excitable criminal defense attorney
9 months of planning culminating into one afternoon
1 bomb-sniffing dog in attendance
22 cowboys in attendance
2 cowgirls
370 other guests
1 forced karaoke experience
1 duet with the Shambot
4 songs done by my parents
1 entertaining family battle of the singers

Overheard in the Gaslamp District

I really like San Diego. Not enough to move there, much to my baby brother's chagrin, but it has its charm.

And I really love my family. Because we have conversations like this, while we pass a drama unfolding outside a low-rent hotel:

Baby Brother: Check out the brotha and his white girlfriend.

GPG: Aw, he's making her cry. Now he's on the phone telling his boys he's gonna be late cuz the bitch won't stop crying.

Shambot: She is NOT cute. And her clothes needs help.

GPG: Really, what the fuck is she wearing?

Shambot: You'd think if you're not cute, you'd at least try harder with your outfit.

BB: Dude, you are mean.

Shambot: No, it's true. It's about balance. Look at Sam Cassell. He's ugly but also rich and athletic, so it all balances out in the end.

BB: See GPG, that's why she fits in with us. She's the meanest out of all of us.

More reasons to adore the Shambot: she's not Puerto Rican, but still manages to talk smack better than any other cheerleader from the OC, and she make basketball references. I'm so glad she's marrying my baby brother.

Overheard on Christmas

I don't know if it's a Latin American thing or what, but we've always celebrated Xmas on the Eve rather than the day of. The entire family gets together at my parents' house for a meal that includes mostly Puerto Rican fare, topped with Mexican salsa. It's fusion at its best.

Like most Puerto Ricans, our family is LOUD. Mostly because there's a lot of people in one space, but also, because they're Puerto Ricans. You have to be able to handle this if you're ever invited to a family function. The weak are eaten alive or summarily ignored. Those who have a mouth on them and like to use it are immediately adopted.

The Thanksgiving Incident was referred to numerous times. We like to poke fun at ourselves, and by extension, the rest of the family. And since some of the family hadn't been there, we had to bring them up to speed.

During a particularly rousing game of Mexican bingo, the following took place at increasingly decibel levels:

GPG: You guys, keep it down, or my mother is going to throw you all out!
Mom: *rolls eyes and chuckles*
Aunt J: You were in Hancock Park for crying out loud, what did you expect?
Cousin R: *loudly* We expected them not to be so uptight!
Aunt J: *louder* Eh, you were being low class, of course you got thrown out!
GPG: Mom, are you going to tell these people to shut up and go home already?

This threat kept coming up the rest of the night. It was much fun at someone else's expense.

***

My father believes everyone should drink wine. You don't get to come over to our house and not drink. He takes this as a personal insult:

Dad: *to my younger cousin* You want a drink?
GPG: Dad, he's only 15!
Dad: So?
Cousin: It's okay. I don't drink.
Dad: Well, I'm surprised.

***

The elder generation likes big families. My father has 6 brothers and sisters, my mom has 3. My mom's sister, Aunt L, had 5 kids. Apparently she and her husband expect the same of their own kids:

Uncle: I want 25 grandkids.
Cousin: Keep wishing. Or, go to Africa.

Adoption jokes are funny.

***

Later, we plugged in a Wii someone received for Xmas. It started with baseball among the 8-year-old set:

Cousin R: Now, I don't want to see you on 'roids, okay kids?
His brother (their dad): Hey, if you ain't cheating, you ain't trying!

***

And of course, because my baby brother is routinely mistaken for Middle Eastern (and his fiancee actually is), his nascent brood are the butt of more jokes:

Cousin M: Do we have a terrorist in the house?
Cousin R: Great, now we're going to get thrown out because of YOU!
Baby brother: My wife-to-be is actually part terrorist: she's Turkish and Iranian. Total Arab.
Cousin R: No shit?
Shambot: Hell yeah!
GPG: Please, we refer to his kid as Baby Terrorist!
Baby brother: *proudly holds up his son* Terrorist in training!

Politcally correct we are NOT.

***

The Shambot got her nickname because she's clumsy. Like a bad robot. We shouldn't let her drink:

Shambot: Oh no, look what I did! *shows red wine spill on her son's sleeve* I'm not even drunk, I'm just retarded!
GPG: Better on him than my mother's couch!
Shambot: Better on his sleeve than his head!
GPG: You were planning on giving him a Catholic baptism, right? Baptism by alcohol!
Baby brother: Get him a shirt that says, "My mommy spills wine on me."

Religious jokes are funny too, especially on Christmas!

***

When the night was finally winding down, the discussion turned to the baby's inability to sleep through the night already. My older brother, having lived through that hell with his two kids, made a suggestion:

Big Fish: Trust me, read the book. We gave you the book for a reason, READ THE BOOK!
Shambot: I have. But it's hard when you're in the situation and they're crying. I can't just let him cry.
Big Fish: READ THE BOOK! READ THE BOOK! READTHEBOOKREADTHEBOOKREADTHEBOOK!!!
Shambot: *to BF's wife* Your husband is being annoying.
BF's Wife: BF, shut up.
Shambot: Yeah, shut up.

And then it was midnight and time to go to sleep. So we could get up again in 6 hours because they kids hadn't yet opened up ALL their gifts.

Hope your holidays have been as memorable!

Overheard in the Ring

I was once really into kickboxing. None of that Billy Blanks bullshit, but the real stuff. I like to hit. Heavy bags or people, I'm open. My little brother recently took up Muay Thai because he likes to hit all Southeast Asian-style.

Tonight I joined him and the Shambot at one of the local boxing clubs. It was so much fun, I forgot how much I really loved laying into a bag with crazy combinations. My form is all off, but I don't care. This is probably going to become my renewed obsession. The great thing is that the club is literally around the corner from my new digs. Score.

I was talking to the person behind the counter about costs and whatnot when we got into how my little brother is so into the sport. I never really censor myself, and because I've been referring to him as "my baby brother" for so damn long (26 years, to be exact), it just kind of comes out. Which leads to these kind of exchanges:

GPG: Yeah, it's my baby brother who brought me tonight.

Counter Girl: Your BABY brother???

GPG: Well, yeah. He's younger.

CG: I never would have guessed.

GPG: Yeah, so what if he's an entire foot taller than me and has a kid? He'll always be my baby brother.

CG: *looks at me like I have 3 heads* Uh huh.

GPG: We go out drinking and I always get carded. Not him. But that might be because he looks like a terrorist.

CG: *cracks up*

GPG: You can't deny it.

CG: I guess not.

And then we went back to punching bags. So much fun!!

October by the Numbers

Oh it's late. Again. Sue me. No really, go ahead. I have lawyers in my pockets. And I'm just dying to force them to do my bidding. For 33%. Unless we go to trial, then it's 40%.

Fucking lawyers. They're also the reason last month's wrap up is so late. Lets all hate them together.

2 casual Fridays spent in a suit
11 events requiring my attention
17 stories before my lungs exploded in an icky mucus nightmare
6 days sick in bed
3 half-days of work missed
1 birthday party missed
24 years on the planet achieved by our favorite Shambot
3 months achieved by her baby son
1 Yoda costume for the baby
16 dollars for two Clippers tickets
1 surprise appearance by the newest member of the Phoenix Suns
21 points scored by my boyfriend Grant Hill
2 glasses of Simon LA's yummy California syrah
1 book unsigned
1 free glass of scotch
1 double shot of tequila spilled at Stone Rose
10 pieces of sushi
3 glasses of California Symphony @ T&A's
132 minutes cracking up over the unrated version of "Knocked Up"
1 little Krazy child taught to root for the losing Bruins
3 Saints wins
0 promised Saints t-shirts delivered
4 Raiders losses
0 Raiders merchandise owned
1 generic hooded costumed figure
1 NASCAR fan without his mustache
15 dollars to park
4 blocks walked, both up AND downhill
80 million freaks dressed up for the WeHo Halloween Carnaval

I Love This Game

Since you already got your photoblogging for the week, let me share the joy that was the unexpected treat of watching my all-time favorite basketball player boyfriend help his Suns clobber my favorite team. I'm a Clippers fan, no doubt. But when Grant Hill is in town, I swoon for no other.

In fact when my real boyfriend called to ask what was up, I told him I couldn't talk because my boyfriend Grant had all my attention. I can't talk and drool at the same time.

But the real funny was when my baby brother and I first arrived at Staples Center. The Spirit Squad girls were posing for pictures when we walked by. He'd been snapping pics outside with his new iPhone, so I figured he want to put it to further good use:

GPG: Want a picture with them?

Baby Brother: Nah. They're not that hot.

He then went to buy his baby a Clips ski cap.

I'm sure the Shambot appreciates it all.

Scavenging for Prizes

Over the weekend, my baby brother, the Shambot, my mom and Baby Aladdin participated in a scavenger hunt in beautiful downtown Burbank. Well, the baby was more of a silent partner. Like the team mascot.

We figured we had the inside track against the 4 other teams given that 3 of us were raised in the area, and most of the team lives with 5 blocks of it. We took the four page list, divided it among us, and ran off to hunt.

I was done with my list within 45 minutes, buying most of the items on my list. My teammates were much more resourceful, spending a whopping 86 cents between the 3 of them while I forked over a good 40 bucks. I returned everything except $8 worth of toys, which were immediately gifted to the G-brat and C-note.

2 hours later we reconvened and felt pretty confident about our findings. We were only missing 5 items, which were nearly impossible to find without running back to one of our houses. Which would probably have been cheating anyway.

Well we should have cheated, or at least driven a car to the event because we ended up coming in dead last. We could have picked up at least 4 of them at my mom's house: a driedel, license plate frame, magnets, fake monster teeth. That would have given us 20 points and tied us for 2nd place.

There are two morals to this story:
1. Always drive to the mall, and
2. Cheating is the only way to win.

I'm annoyed. This after running around in 3-inch wedges for two hours after attempting to climb a 74-story building the day before.

My feet still hurt, dammit.

But we did have a lot of fun. Next time, I say we do it drunk!

Overheard in the Family #7

My brother laid a guilt-trip on me because I haven't come over to visit enough since the baby was born. He told me my nephew missed me. So we had dinner and talked about birth control.

GPG: Can you even get pregnant while you're lactating?

Shambot (aka No-Longer-Pregnant Z): Well, they do make a pill you can take while breastfeeding. But I really hate remembering to take it every day at the same time.

GPG: Oh yeah, me too.

Baby Brother: *pointing to his son* And look at what happens when you forget. It was probably the Thursday pill. I think we should just call him Thursday.

Dad: That's what happened with you. Your mom forgot a pill.

GPG: Haha. We can call you Thursday too.

BB: No, I want to be Monday.

We're so bad. Between Baby Werewolf Thursday and talking sex at the dinner table, we're probably all going to hell.

But at least we'll be there as a family.

Overheard in the Family #4

My brother's fiancee is 7 1/2 months pregnant and suffering from a myriad of back problems because of it.

Pregnant Z: And then he gave me a massage.

GPG: Aw, aren't you the sweetest fiancé?

PZ: Yes he is. Thanks, babe.

Baby Brother: Can I get a thank you later tonight?

PZ: *freaking out* Don't talk about that!!! Not in front of your parents!

*Everyone busts out laughing.*

BB: Babe, it's not like they don't know. Look at yourself!

Seriously. She's not giving birth to Jesus. The baby is being named after Russian kings, not Mexican gardners, for chrissakes!

Overheard in the Family #3

My brother took his kids to the Time for Heroes Celebrity Carnival today. I was almost tapped to go in his place, but they rearranged their schedules at the last minute and I was allowed some desperately needed sleep instead.

It wasn't just flesh-and-blood celebs that milled about, the Care Bears, Power Rangers, Disney Princesses and their ilk were also on hand to blow the minds of little children. Who came to dinner covered in paint and deliriously happy from all the madness and free toys.

This is how the adults talked over their heads:

Big Brother: C-note likes the Power Rangers.

GPG: Oh yeah? Who's the pink one?

C-note: My daddy! [This is his standard answer for everything]

Big Brother: There is no pink one.

Sister-in-Law: G-brat doesn't like them.

G-brat: I like Caillou.

Pregnant sister-in-law-to-be: What's Caillou?

SiL: You have to watch children's tv to get it.

Dad: He looks like Charlie Brown. Very bald.

SiL: Yeah, Charlie Brown...on chemo.

Take it from Britney, kids: bald is not necessarily beautiful.