Final Requests
Amidst everyone dying last week (James Brown, former President Ford, and Saddam Hussein), I got to thinking about the end of the road, so to speak. Turns out presidents have to have these plans in order when they take office, too. I imagine that scenario plays out something like:
One week after the election, the president-elect receives his offer letter from the People of the United States. Once he signs and returns it to the Government Human Resources Department, he is considered hired, pending a final background check. He is then invited to the White House for the official “insider’s tour,” allowed to pick out the proper executive chair for the oval office (ergonomics are important!) and given additional paperwork to fill out. It’s the usual W-2, nuclear codes packet, parking information, and keys to Camp David.
Then they ask him how he’d like to go out.
Here’s where it gets tricky. There are contingency plans for dying while in office and also for the post-presidential career. Will he be buried in the national cemetery, his hometown, or cryogenically frozen to be reanimated in the distant future when everyone else is too stupid to function?
These are hard questions.
Well, since my birthday is already a national holiday (in Mexico), clearly I'm important enough to warrant having these plans in place now too. For the record, I want my body to be cremated. My ashes will be scattered from the top of Mullholland Drive, starting from the overlook point just west of Cahuenga, then driven around in a black Porsche 911 convertible, very quickly along the entire route to PCH. That way the ashes will blow away all along the ride. It would be best if this were done at night so no unsuspecting motorists are stuck with a windshield full of GPG ash. That’s just impolite.
And I'm nothing if not sweet as sugar.
Just make sure the driver doesn't take any of those hairpin curves too quickly. Spinning out on Mulholland can be deadly.
I've done it twice. I suspect the third time will be that unlucky charm.
You can consider this my will. And testimony thing. Yeah.
8 comments:
i'll drive the car only if I can sing, "ding dong the witch is dead, which old witch?, the wicked witch"
JUST KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't think I could drive a stick, and I know you wouldn't even be caught dead driving around in an automatic porche--hehee
In adding to the KM's sentiment, you would be dead, so why would it matter if the porsche was automatic or not how the hell would you know :P Hee hee, I'll be sure that if the KM wants to drive you that she has one of those Tiptronic style transmissions so that she can drive it but it still feels like a stick :) You know since this is a public document you are now legally bound to this . Just a side note ;)
The fact that they make 911s with automatic transmissions is just more evidence that the terrorists are winning.
The Porsche must be a real man's car. No stick, no service. Such I have decreed, so it must be done.
And since it is a public document, both you girls are bound to do what I say!
Since you're both assuming I'm going first. How nice of you!
You can both sit in the back and hold the urn while a hired driver drives you around.
Besides, you're both going to be too devastated to drive. Especially along Mulholland Highway. At night.
People die up there, yo. Don't need you two joining me too soon after I'm gone. Gotta make sure the party is ready for your arrival!
You'll also have to select a song to be played while the Porsche is squaking tires. I've decided on "What A Wonderful World" - the Joey Ramone version - for myself.
I want to be cremated and spewed all about the mountains and ocean, too! And wouldn't it be hilarious if they played "Dust in the Wind"? Ah, that would crack me up. And if anything, I want people laughing along with me when I'm dead, and certainly not crying.
Woody: I think a selection of mid-90s Los Angeles bands will be most appropriate (like STP and the Chili Peppers, for starters). Or a good mix of songs about California would work.
"Hotel California" is an absolute necessity, regardless.
Roonie: there damn well BETTER be tears when I go! Especially if it's, like, tomorrow or something.
Mulholland is a tough one--taking it in the day was hard enough. I'd probably be cliche and go for the family plot, meself. Hopefully I'll be famous enough of a writer that someone will bother to visit it now and then...
If not, at least I'll have some nice company.
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