Aches, Pains & Automobiles

My issues with water retention and malfunctioning legs are becoming increasingly problematic. After spending the whole day sacked out on my parents' couch with a godawful headache and no discernable reason for being unable to keep my eyes open or move my limbs, I realized I could be in real trouble. And that I was terribly thirsty.

Because of my excessive dramatic streak, I started imagining how I would be able to face you all if I were suddenly hospitalized for "exhaustion and dehydration." Buzzwords that act as the precursor to rehab. I don't even have a job to deplete my energy reserves, much less afford me the luxury of drugs that would "exhaust" and/or "dehydrate" me.

Sunday I have another long-ass run. 8 miles along The Strand. I'm looking forward to it, mostly because I've never run a full 8 miles. That'll be a nice milestone. What I'm NOT looking forward to is the guaranteed leg cramps on Monday. Which makes it hard to dance salsa, you know?

My options, in terms of avoiding dehydration and paraplegia and/or amputation, are:

• quit my alcoholic tendencies (I think not)
• quit running (with almost $1000 raised for charity, also not an option)
• quit walking (though that somehow helps, just not on stairs. Taking them is like sticking hot pokers in my thighs)
• actually start taking drugs (not good, since I'm really bad at drugs)
• hook myself up to an IV with equal parts saline and muscle relaxants (upside: a totally chill and non-mummified GPG)
• sack up and just ignore it, drink more fluids and stretch 23 hours a day

I wish there was tequila-flavored Gatorade. Then staying hydrated wouldn't be such a pain in the ass.

And if some medical professional could finally give me a straight answer about my legs, that would be a great treat. But I'm afraid that might be like asking for the moon.

Off to bed so I can quit my whining. Though I'm no longer tired.

Fuck.

Confidential to my drinking buddy: NASCAR is on tomorrow at 1:30. Bring beer. (I'm kidding. No really, I'm just kidding! Please don't sic your degenerate garden ornamentation on me!)