Interview with a GPG
Last night I had a rare and imaginary experience where I was interviewed by the various voices in my head. Published for the first time ever, here is Part 1 of the sit down:
Q: You and Jesus go out to dinner - who pays?
A: Jesus like the carpenter or the gardener? Because one is dead and the other one has 18 mouths to feed, so I'm not sure I'm having dinner with either one.
Okay, lets start over. Pretend you have to flee the country and adopt an alias. What is it?
My UK passport will say that I am Lucia Axelrod. I'm trying to figure out what my Croatian passport name will be. Any suggestions?
How about Lucija Altabas?
Oooh, good one. Wait, are one of you Croatian?
No. Why do you ask?
...
Moving on. You're training to be an international spy. What's your weapon of choice?
Knives. Do you know me at all? Sheesh
Humor us.
Fine.
Okay, we'll humor you. Tomorrow morning you wake up as the opposite gender - what's the one thing you wanna try?
Dude, I want to be able to pee standing up. Or sex. Yeah sex as a boy! Standing up! Wait, no peeing. Can't I do both?
Just pick one.
I can't. I want both.
Fine. So now you're a man. What's an automatic deal breaker in a potential significant other?
I don't want to be a man. Men don't have boobies. Boobies are nice to have and hold.
Okay, you're a woman. Damn, you're a pain in the ass.
Your point?
Answer the question: what's an automatic deal breaker in a potential significant other?
Arrogance, and usually smoking. Stupidity. Using the word "supposably." Scoring less than 1350 on the SATs. But mostly, arrogance.
1350 on the SATs?
Okay, fine. 1250. But that's really the bottom of the barrel.
What about people who don't take the SATs?
Is that allowed?
We're getting way off topic.
What's the topic?
Shut up.
Make me! Ow! Okay, don't hit. I need to look pretty in the morning.
You brought this on yourself. Speaking of which, what's the stupidest thing you've ever said out loud?
"Are we de-masculizing men now? Hey, I just made up a word!" And I just said that on Saturday.
1350, really?
*scowl*
Yeah, we thought so.
***
And that, my friends, is the first part of the scintillating conversation between me and my various personalities. I know you're on the edge of your seats just waiting for more.
Tomorrow.
23 comments:
wtf?
Tee hee hee. Nice post. You're weird, I like you. *smooch*
QOS: you lived with me. You KNOW I'm crazy. In the head. With the voices. And stuff.
C-dub: you just like my doggie style. Oops, did I say that out loud???
holy shit, i think i've had this same kind of conversation with you...
(and just fyi, if you ever become a boy and want to have sex standing up be careful you're not on a slippery surface...)
omg ex, i've been dreaming about posting a personal ad just like that to see what, if any, kind of responses i'd get. is it possible that we're soulmates even though i did horribly on the SAT but masterfully on the ACT?
Exile: we probably have nothing BUT conversations exactly like this, you and I.
JY: we're not soulmates, but you are a good source of entertainment.
eh, i guess i can settle for that. btw, tell the voices in your head to stop spreading rumors about me.
I don't control them. And also, they don't lie.
uh huh. maybe they don't lie, but apparently have no qualms about spreading unsubstantiated gossip like i'm a celeb.. ;)
I'm sure in your own head, you are.
Haha... I qqualify to date GPG! Except, you know, not being on the market. First time I've thought about the SAT in a while.
Did I ever tell you I spent a few months researching sexual fetishes before writing a novel set in...
OK, anyway, anecdote getting boring. But, not being able to choose between peeing and sex? Not a problem.
Do tell, David. Do. Tell.
Well, you know. Some people like peeing in sex.
Like... Ricky Martin!
Describe the last porn movie you watched.
Uh, do you really want me to go there? [Blender: Yes.] Uh, OK, golden showers. I love giving the golden shower. I’ve done it before in the shower. It’s like so sexy, you know, the temperature of your body and the shower water is very different.
http://72.14.253.104/search?q=cache:EMlzzLab9iQJ:www.blender.com/guide/articles.aspx%3Fid%3D1812+ricky+martin+golden+shower&hl=en&gl=us&ct=clnk&cd=1
http://www.contactmusic.com/new/xmlfeed.nsf/mndwebpages/martin%20regrets%20golden%20shower%20frankness
My Eyes!
Eh. To each his own.
It's just funny because it's Ricky Martin. Though that's just the absolute outer boundaries of scat, I assure you.
I had a friend who drank pee during a sex act.
When I roasted him a few months later, I pretended to drink it out of one of those cups they give you at the doctor's office. It was just apple juice, but nobody knew that. Me clever.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urolagnia
Er, Urohpagia.
There's a Yahoo society on there if you want to learn more.
Hey, that was quick. Heh, nice prank. I actually don't mind that nearly as much as the crap stuff, for whatever reason. A lot of Victorian erotica is all weird and toilet-training centered, I guess because people were so weird about that in The Day.
As a paraphilia, urine may be consumed or the person may bathe in it. Other variations include arousal from wetting or seeing someone else urinate in their pants or underclothes, or wetting the bed. Other forms of urolagnia may involve a tendency to be sexually aroused by smelling urine soaked clothing or body parts. In many cases, a strong correlation or conditioning arises between urine smell or sight and the sexual act. For some individuals the phenomenon may include a diaper fetish and/or arousal from infantilism. Watersports may also be used in a BDSM scene as a form of humiliation, sometimes involving desperation until incontinence or infantilization, sometimes physical humiliation associated with being urinated on or pressured to consume urine. In some cases, a person is aroused by merely staging situations where others can either witness that person wet his or her clothing or smell his or her urine scent.
Urolagnia is sometimes associated with, or confused with, arousal from having a full bladder or a sexual attraction to someone else experiencing the discomfort or pain of a full bladder, a sadomasochistic inclination. More studies are still needed on this topic.
Hmmm..
Okay David, that's quite enough. I think we all get it.
It's sort of interesting, though, because it has a lot to do with social power and...
...
Oh, fine. THis always happens. ;)
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