Girl Logic

Given that us girls are crazy, we have the privilege of asserting the most ridiculous opinions and forcing them down other people's throats with little more factual basis than our own conviction. That leads to this:

1. It's common knowledge that the ambient temperature of a room will rise the more people that congregate in it. What we don't know is by exactly how much each body adds to the mix. Well, today I figured it out.

To make it simple, lets assume that everyone's body temperature is 100 degrees Fahrenheit (98.6 is close enough to round up). If there are 3,000 people in a room, then the room temp is just about 300,000 degrees.

100 x 3,000 = 300,000

It's very simple math. And completely explains why the Pasadena Civic Auditorium felt like the center of the sun this evening. (Btw, watch Last Comic Standing on Tuesday. You'll see me in the tenth row melting in the 300,000 degree room.)

2. Leaving the taping this evening, we had to walk down a creepy stairwell, the kind they tell good little girls to stay out of lest they become a rape statistic. But since there were three of us only-sorta-good girls walking down it, we concluded that if anyone was at risk, it was the poor man who might attack us. We'd run a gang rape on him instead.

And then we laughed our silly, evil laughs* and continued on to the car. The guy walking in front of us, on the other hand, hunched his shoulders a bit and picked up the pace.

3. Due to the cost of raw materials, the penny has become more expensive to produce than it's actually worth. It's made up of something like 4 cents of various metals. So the debate to remove it from American currency is heating up (at a slower rate than 100 degrees per person, though. Don't freak out!). Discussing the problem with a friend recently, he argued that we have no need for the penny. My retort went something like this:

"But the penny has Lincoln's face on it! He was a very important historical figure. We can't just get rid of his face. Next you're going to suggest that we do away with the 5 dollar bill too, since Lincoln is on that. Why do you hate black people?!"

See, because of that little Emancipation Proclamation thingy, doing away with the penny amounts to racism.

(That was by far my favoritest argument EVER! The look of utter bewilderment on his face was absolutely priceless. I love having boobs.)

4. For those of you who didn't know, I'm training for a half-marathon in October. I'm working with a great organization called Team in Training, which supports blood cancer research through the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. As such, I have to raise about $3000 to run my race. Anyone I've asked for money who shows the slightest hint of balking is informed that their reticence is clearly linked to them actually supporting the spread of cancer, and they are therefore a terrorist.

I've raised $500 so far. Modern day jingoism is really working in my favor.

*Rape is in NO way a laughing matter. Using humor in ominous situations, however, is a really good defense.