Dear John Letters #4

I'm off to Texas for a week, where there will be little time for blogging what with all the cowboys and musicians with which to amuse myself! I apologize to you, my dear readers, but a girl has to have some fun once in a while. In a country like Texas.

But lest you think I love you not, I give you these:

Dear Nature,

You are one cruel bitch. Why is it that when we lose weight our boobs go with it? Why, instead of storing fat in our thighs, where it carries absolutely no value, can't we leave it on our chests? This would be the aesthetic preference for all involved, so get your cousin Evolution to start working on that pronto. Like, in THIS generation.

***

Dear Lime Green VW Bug Driver,

There are few cars less masculine than a late-model VW Bug. But to actually drive one in the definitively effeminate lime green hue not only emasculates you completely, but in effect shames the entire male species. How on earth do you justify driving that humiliation on wheels? The metrosexual trend has gone too far. Not even a self-respecting gay man could pull off that stunt. If it was your girlfriend's car, then you should break up with her immediately because no man should ever even be seen in the vicinity of such a monstrosity. That's how awful it is.

Full disclosure: one of my whores has one of these cars, complete with matchy lime green rims. She is crazy. 'Nuff said.

***

Dear Comatose Guy Laying in the Middle of the Street,

I hope you weren't dead. But you didn't look like the typical homeless person (read: dirty), though one would wonder why else you would be completely passed out in the middle of Jefferson Blvd on this Friday afternoon. Crazy homeless people pull that shit all the time. I imagine the new residents of the marshy Playa Vista development will have an issue with you casually sleeping on their thoroughfare, but I suppose they'll burn that bridge when they find it. In the meantime, get the fuck out of my way.

***

Dear Cal-Trans,

You know how race horses have blinders on to keep them from getting distracted by the surrounding animals? We need something similar to that on the freeways so that when one or eight assholes decide to have themselves an accident on the opposite side, I don't get stuck in traffic for 45 minutes because humans are basically just dumb animals too and can't resist the urge to ogle at the damn mess. I suggest erecting partitions on the center dividers to maintain the traffic flow in at least one direction during these rather frequent occurances. There was no reason for me to spend 15 minutes on the connector between the 10 and 405 freeways today because someone doesn't know how to use their brakes. I had tequila to buy and these morons made me wait that much longer for it. This can no longer be tolerated.

***

Dear Boys Still Holding Onto Your High School Glory Days,

She's married (with kids, for Chrissakes!) and I'm not interested. Let us drink our beers in peace. Oh, and you guy who said I laughed like Karen from Will & Grace but didn't exactly make that sound like the compliment you intended: please see above. My boobs were hidden behind more than one layer of clothing, clearly signaling that I wasn't on the prowl. Just because my girl-date was shoving her camera down my shirt to take pictures of them does NOT mean that we were trolling for dates. Note that and move on.