Dear John Letters #8

Remember how last week life was going too good to be true? Guess where we are this week?

At Dear John Letters, that's where!

Dear Crashed Up Morning Commuters:

We all lack patience. We are all in a hurry. But when you decide to get a little too aggressive with the gas pedal and plow your 2-ton metal coffin into the one in front of you, guess who isn't getting to work on time? ANY of us!! So do us all a gianormous favor and just wait your fucking turn. Gridlocked freeways hurt us all. Your accident, while painful to your body and your wallet, is crushing my bottom line. So get the fuck out of my way, or learn to fucking drive. I've got money to make and you're wasting my valuable time.

Thank you very much.

***

Dear Asshole SUV Driver Who Can't Park,

When there are a limited amount of spaces in a lot, parking so far over to one side that you effectively take up 2 spaces is completely unacceptable. Why not just go the last step and actually park in both spaces? This is especially infuriating when the spaces are actually wide enough to accomodate your emission-bloated fat ass of a vehicle. We all had to pay eight dollars to park. This doesn't entitle you to lay claim to every available inch. There are rules. There are lines. Obey, or risk having damaging scratches down the side panels.

Fucker.

***

Dear Holiday Inn Airport Parking Designer,

If I'm going to pay eight dollars to park my vehicle in your unmonitored lot, I sure as hell am NOT leaving it out in the sun. So what possessed you to only build 40 shaded spaces for a 400-room hotel?! I don't care that there are another 100 spaces outside. I'm not leaving my bright red car outside to be ravaged by the sun's harsh rays. And until someone designs sunscreen for my car, I'm not going to be satisfied with giving you my hard-earned money and leaving my it exposed.

Your stupid budget hotel should be burned to the ground.

***

Dear Fragile Uterine Lining,

Why are you here again? Weren't you just here 2 weeks ago? I wasn't happy to see you then, I'm less than thrilled that you're back for a second visit this month. How long do you plan on sticking around? The last week has been exasperating. You really need to go away and never come back. Ever. You're not welcome here. You were not invited to this party. Leave.

Now.

***

Dear Powers that Be,

You are holding my very future in your teeny little hands. So why are you delaying the inevitable? We both know what the outcome is going to be. I'm just waiting for all the i-dotting and t-crossing to end. So why are you dragging it out? I beg you, please just end my unnecessary anxiety and put the damn offer on the table! Because I know there sure ain't any stress pay in it.

Thank you kindly.

***