Livin' La Vida Los Angeles

Jet Blach Jabber's H. Wood (aka Thor or I. Curse, I don't think he's decided yet) has just moved into the neighborhood. You can read all about his travels from Michigan to the wonderful city of Los Angeles on his blog, complete with pictures of Evil Bob, his garden gnome sidekick.

And because we now have ourselves a shiny newbie to devour welcome, I want you all to be on your best behavior. His only complaint thus far is that gas is too fucking expensive, which isn't a lie but what can you do? They'll start drilling in the Alaskan wilderness soon enough and gas will go back down to something relatively cheap...like $3.18 a gallon! (Which I actually paid at a station in Santa Monica this morning. I shit you not.) So make nice, dammit.

A little primer for our newest Hollywood transplant:

- We apologize for the ridiculous weather. It usually really is only 72 degrees in Los Angeles, with negative percent humidity. But it's been a fucked up year. Rain in July? Total sign of the impending apocalypse. Or that the poles are shifting.

- Never, ever try to drive along Santa Monica Blvd ANYWHERE in this city between the hours of waking and sleeping. It's our designated non-highway parking lot. Especially as you don't move towards the ocean. By some cruel joke, there's always usually a stretch completely ripped up for construction of unnecessary decorative center medians or sewer piping (which may actually be necessary).

- The same goes for the 101 freeway. Why the fuck people choose to commute in this city is beyond me. They are the reason there is traffic. And they should all be shot.

- There are some truly excellent neighborhood bars all around. Staying in and around the west side:

• Backstage on Culver Blvd, just behind Sony (it's a silly pun on the location, but they have a fire pit and cheap beer)
• Joxer Daly's on Washington Blvd is a great Irish pub where the owner will buy you drinks if you're a pretty girl (this might not work for you, sorry).
• Irish Times up on Motor is also a great pub, though the crowd skews a little bit towards the cranky elder side.
• Boardwalk 11 on National is known for its karaoke fest (if you're into embarrassing yourself), and the bartendar knows what "tequila without training wheels" means (this is very important if you're me and/or a tequila fan).
• For a trendier crowd, there's Main Street, which links Venice to Santa Monica. There's never any parking, but it's littered with millions of bars and pretty people.
• Saints & Sinners in Culver City is everything the name promises. Unless you make the mistake of flirting with the doorman. Then all bets are off.

- But if Hollywood atmosphere is what you want, then that's a different story. One that you're on you're own for, since I prefer my alcohol sans attitude, and would rather not try to keep up with what the hottest of-the-moment place is, or was 5 minutes ago. Though I assure you, it's probably not in the Valley. (Try Beechwood on Washington at Abbot Kinney. The westside hipsters seem to have invaded it.)

- Speaking of the Valley, it's a trillion and eight degrees there right now. Avoid it at all costs.

- If you want a celebrity to run you over, hang around The Ivy on Robertson. One of them is bound to be too drunk to drive on any random afternoon, so you can get your t-shirt made right quick.

And that is all I've got for the moment. I have to busy myself with planning a fundraising event for cancer research and also maybe finding a job.

Kids, if you've got anything feel free to add any of your own interesting, intelligent, or useful info and anecdotes. It's why we're here.

H. Wood, welcome!