The Dream is Over
You'd think I'd learn.
You would think that after 10 months of stress fractures, muscle spasms, lost toenails, butchered feet, bursitis, and ODing on Advil, that I would finally get it. But all of that was supposed to just be par for the course. All I wanted to do was run a marathon.
And I did. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. And the whole blasted last hour of it, I couldn't for the life of me figure out what the hell I was doing to myself. Or why. And once it was all said and done, there was no sense of accomplishment, triumph or fulfillment. There was only pure exhaustion.
And then there was pain. It's been 11 days and I still can't walk properly. I'm seriously afraid my left leg is going to fall off. Sure, you'll see me walking and think nothing is wrong, but you don't feel the stabbing pain from the knee down. You also don't see the swollen feet that just barely shrank down enough to wear normal shoes. And you definitely don't see me silently cursing this whole damn experience straight to hell.
Last week the doctor ordered me off my feet, so I drank tequila to drown the pain instead. It didn't work. I missed a half-marathon run I was actually looking forward to. I'm a masochist that way. I do actually like running.
I've been through the gamut. And now my stress level has the beginnings of an ulcer working away at my stomach lining. So I know that the leg problem is partially a psychosomatic extension of that. But it still hurts like a motherfucking bitch. Almost as bad as last June, when I could barely make it up the stairs.
So I made a decision. I'm finally listening to everyone who told me to just stop running. I'm giving in to the self-doubt, the pain, the work schedule that won't allow me the courtesy of recuperation because time stops for no lawyer, and I'm throwing in the towel.
At least I wasn't doing this for anyone but myself. I wasn't trying to impress any of you, or win an award. I sure as hell don't run fast enough to have garnered myself a medal. But after two half-marathons, and one full unsanctioned one, the last hurdle was just to get up early on March 4th and hit that finish line sometime within 7 hours.
But I will not be crossing that life goal off the list this year. Instead of racing across the streets of Los Angeles in the 22nd annual marathon, I will be sleeping. And weeping. Because my body punked out on me and I just can't do it.
And for that, I hate myself a little bit.
16 comments:
That's too bad. But not totally worth killing yourself over.
I can't even imagine trying to run a marathon, so you're, like, SuperWoman in my book!
Ah, that sucks. I do feel your pain, too, at least to some extent. I permanently damaged my heel and arch in school trying to combine football and cross country running. My wrists never got better from the days I used to churn out pushups `sfast as I could for as long as I could in college.
I lost a lot of weight doing weight lifting and jogging until I couldn't get out of bed anymore just last year. I start to get in shape and blow it and it takes months to even try again.
Well, that was depressing. But it does happen and it sucks and you have to try something else sometime.
It's better to give up when you need to... otherwise you can carry the injuries forever.
(Gee thanks, Eeyore. Thanks for noticin' me)
All of that aside, though, you got it done! Hoorah for you, getting something like that finished. Not just anybody can. Yaay GPG!
Don't hate yourself. We love you. So it was the dry run? You still ran a marathon. You rawk.
We All told you last Sunday not to do something that will permenantly damage the GPG because a broken GPG is not going to take over when My boobs can no longer protect us from evil terrorists. You know we love you, and like you said you weren't doing it for anyone other than yourself. HUGS AND KISSES.
I refuse to hear the words "throw in the towel" from you. Maybe not the LA Marathon this year, but if you stop beating up your body and start treating it a little more gently, I wouldn't rule it out for the future. I believe in the "mind over matter" bullshit. Sometimes matter takes a little bit of time to catch up with the mind, but I don't think we've seen the last of the GPG Racer Girl yet.
I totally subscribe to the mind over matter philosophy. When this last bout of leg bullshit started, I honestly believed I could get through it.
But I'm tired of it. And don't even have the luxury of time to just rest. It's just bad timing all around.
There's the Long Beach marathon in October. I might aim for that. Or just run another half. I like those. They're easy. :)
there's an excellent alternative to running, with just as many distance/organized events: cycling.
it's been my savior. i used to run religiously until i started to develop a small stress fracture in my leg, which my doc told me would snap in half if i kept running (sucks too, cuz who wouldn't want to run on the beach in spain?). but cycling is easy on joints and brings you to many new and beautiful environments in which you really wouldn't want to run anyway.
file your marathon under "A" for "accomplishment," and seal it in the vault of your memory. i'll gladly bestow upon you all my worldly knowledge of cycling. team in training actually has a cycling team, so you can still do your mitzvah...this time from a bike!
One of my clients clued me into the fact that the LA marathon also has a bike race. That's only a few miles shorter than the full race too. And I know I can do six miles in 20 minutes, so I wonder how long it would take to do the full ride.
But first I need a bike...
Umm Riding a bike up that hill in the Cahuenga pass might not be as easy as running up it. But I thought that you had a bike at your parents house? If not the Rockstar has a bike and he might be willing to let you use it if you ask nicely.
You are still a hero in my book. I would agree that biking may be a good alternative. You could go all back country and hit the trails.
I'm not participating in the March race at all, whether running or biking. The Rockstar is too tall for me to use his bike, but thanks for the offer (also, it's a different course, doesn't go up Cahuenga).
Maybe I'll buy myself a bike for my birthday and learn to ride on the streets of LA. Which I hear is dangerous...
Hey Jack, can I still eat French fries, you think?
Yo, GPG, you gots to be careful out there.
See, I have this theory that we all have a predestined number of steps and heartbeats when we're born. This is why I don't jog, I'm just running closer to the end of my life.
Seriously though, take it easy for a while. No more jogging. Get a Vespa and zip around on that.
Hahaha! But J, Vespas are so queer. I couldn't take myself seriously on one of those.
if you can run 26.2, you can certainly train yourself to ride hills. at some point, they become addicting...as i found out after my first ride over vail pass. man, i can't wait for summer!
(suggestion: get a new bike and get it professionally fit. it's the best birthday present you'll ever get!)
JY: the best birthday present I'll ever get is a certain man showing up with a red lollipop for me. But I can see where you're going.
HW: You're full of the good ideas.
Vespas are so European! Imagine a perfectly coiffed Italian business woman in a Prada skirt suit with a cute little blue Vespa, and you would most certainly be watching part of my memories for the few days that we were in Florence. Trust me, a haute-coutured classy dame on two motor-powered wheels? SEXY!
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