Tourista in the City: 90291

In my new and completely irregularly posted series, I'll give my dedicated readers tips on getting around the maze that is Los Angeles.

First up: Venice Beach. Specifically, its notorious boardwalk. (I dedicate this to Jay.)

- If you see a gorgeous Adonis of a black man standing by his bicycle looking in your direction, do not ask your boyfriend if you can take him home with you. Because the black Adonis will either hear this, or see your lips moving, and come right over to you and talk nonstop for the next 10 minutes. During which you will learn that he was born in '61, he used to box with Mike Tyson, and that he's got a black tooth. This will ruin your meal, consisting of a hot dog for you and hot wings for him. Neither of you will finish your food, and that's just a waste.


- Nobody rolls around the beach in a limousine unless they are a douchbag. Points for it not being a Hummer model, but the ruling on the field stands. Especially when its a Chrysler 300, aka the Poorman's Bentley. And when you see Dog the Bounty Hunter step out of said vehicle, step to the side. A stampede of white trash sycophants are rushing to stalk him down the boardwalk and you do not want their buckteeth to snag you.


- Dating a man with the same name as a famous singer is good, especially when it gets you into a conversation with the very attractive Puerto Rican doorman. Spoken completely in Spanish. Being Puerto Rican gets you the best seats at the bar, and impeccable service like lots of cherries in your Shirley Temple. Do not expect this level of attention unless you are indeed Puerto Rican as well.


- The pillar of a figure standing in a black sack will poke and/or mock you. Much to the enjoyment of everyone at the Sidewalk Cafe. Don't get too close or you will become the show.

- Finally, dogs and babies are more plentiful than fat, pasty tourists with black socks and sandals. Beware of dog poo and large strollers, piloted by clueless parents that don't realize you shouldn't take innocent children to an area abuzz with germs and clouds of marijuana smoke. That's bad for their little lungs. And getting a lame message t-shirt isn't going to cure their asthma.