5.14.2007

Overheard at Joxer Daly's

Thursday, one of my clients joined us for a celebratory drink. Of course, this ensued:

Man looks at his watch.

Girl #1: Time to go home?

Man: It's getting about that time.

Girl #1: Aww! Stay for another beer.

Man: I can't.

Girl #2: It's dinner time. He's gotta get home to his family.

Girl #1: *pouts* You're going to miss us making out later.

Man: If you two make out, I'll stay for another beer.

Girls: *fit of giggles*

Girl #1: Oh, I thought you had to get home. See your wife and kids?


Man: I can stay for one more...

Girl: #1: Uh huh. *looks at Girl #2 with an evil smile* Now you know we HAVE to, don't we?

Girl #2: *still laughing* Yup!

And so we did. And suddenly, many men in the bar wanted to buy us drinks.

I wonder why...

5.13.2007

5 Questions

Last week, before Will became a married man, he was throwing out interview questions to anyone willing to whore themselves out for blog fodder. Here's what he asked me:

1 – What inspired you to start your blog and what inspires you to continue?
My insane vanity, and also the writings of one
Jennie Smash. My blog crushes on her blog constantly, even though her blog doesn't know mine exists. It's also a forum for me to express my love for my boobs and tequila. Like heaven, but with words. And sometimes pictures.

2 - In your writing you sometimes talk about boobs, tell us about them?
I'm a huge fan of boobs, but mainly my own. Because they are rad, if a pain in the ass. Lately, I can't eat a damn thing without spilling something on at least one of them. Usually the left one. Which is interesting because I'm right handed but keep dribbling out the left side of my mouth. Maybe I've had a stroke?

3- Do you want to know who reads your stuff?
Yes! It feeds my colossal megalomania, which is necessary. Like oxygen, but not as cheaply available. Tell me everything, who you are, what you like and how you look naked. Or just comment on what's written. That's okay, too.

4 – Has there been anything you have written that you wished you could have back once it was posted?
Not really, but there are a great deal of things I wish I could post that I don't. Because I don't want to hurt people's feelings. Deep down I'm not really a bitch, though I play one on tv and on this here blog. I'm good at it. Mostly because I'm Puerto Rican and it's in my DNA. And going against one's nature hurts kittens.

5 – You have a birthday coming up, how do you plan on spending it?
This has since past without much fanfare, but I can tell you how I didn't intend to spend it: sober. It was interesting waking up on Sunday morning not hungover. And unlike any birthday in the past 7 years.
I think I've clearly become an old lady. Wow, so soon?

***

If anyone else wants to play this game, just leave a comment saying so and I will send you 5 custom-made questions of your very own.

5.11.2007

Photoblogging Friday 5.11.07

As I lay in bed enjoying a well-deserved day off, I've spent most of the morning watching tv and trying to find an appropriate picture for today. So here's the view from where I'll be tomorrow night, as long as it's not on fire:

Hello, Los Angeles

The streaky lights are for Jay.



The birthday weekend commences!!

And now, back to enjoy my second favorite past time: lounging in bed.

5.10.2007

The Day Thus Far

I got out of the shower this morning to a barrage of phone calls. 3 within 5 minutes. So I laid in bed, wet and naked while my mom, Krazy Mommy and La Ria all called one right after the other. Happy birthdays all around.

In between I missed a phone call and the second-best "happy birthday" rendition yet:

Happy birthday to you/Happy birthday to you/You're a Puerto Rican and I am a Jew.

That one had me rolling on the floor.

Then I got to work and my coworkers decided it would be funny to clear out my entire office and put up a banner saying "You're Fired!" Had they not lost some files and gone through all of my personal things, I might have found this funny. But I'm in the middle of major back-to-back programs, so I didn't. I still haven't found everything those assholes misplaced.

I truly hate practical jokes.

But then my boss brought me a bottle of Don Julio aƱejo and that was awesome. And then the assholes gifted me a hundred bucks. I still don't like them.

More people called. Some texted. Spanky sang to me yet again.


I cut out of work early to the Krazy Daddy gargling caffiene-free diet Coke (he knows what I like!) and singing at the same time. It was the best rendition of the song yet!

And now I will go drink with the Princess and get my spank on.

More later if I'm sober!

Happy birthday to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5.09.2007

T-1 Day

I was just going to write Exile a quickie happy birthday message today. He's celebrating the Canadian way with crocodiles and oranges in Florida or something. And then tomorrow someone else is getting married.

But then I had a DAY and so we're going to keep it about me instead.

Like you really expected different.

I have monthly meetings with my client groups. Some are in swanky offices up high above the city. Some are at hotels. They are all with lawyers. And sometimes, judges.

Today was one of those.

I'd picked the menu specifically because it's what I wanted to eat during my birthday week. Especially the dessert. It had alcohol in it. The chef indulged me nicely.

And we were just about to wrap up when the kitchen staff came into the room, holding a huge cake. On it, the words "happy birthday" scrawled in beautiful script. Two candles lit in the middle. I scanned the room to see who was responsible. Spanky was sitting next to me, but he swore he knew nothing of it. (Of course not, he's a man. They don't think that way. Turns out it was a gift from the director of catering, a woman.)

The entire group of them sang happy birthday, including the hotel staff. It was nice. Then we realized the cake was chocolate (I heard later from the mortified catering director that she had ordered me strawberry shortcake--definitely not chocolate--but I was so surprised I had to appreciate the gesture).

I laughed when it was over and invited everyone to partake of a second dessert. The man taking the minutes was sitting on my other side and pointed out the fact that I had just been sung to by name partners of international firms as well as federal judges. Not to mention a few superior AND appellate court jurists. I agreed with him that it would go down in history as one of the most interesting birthday celebrations ever.

And by "interesting" I mean BIZARRE. They're entitled stuffed suits. Singing. To me. And then eating my cake.

I then told anyone who asked that I was turning 35. Or 21. And then let them figure it out.

I relayed this story to my mother later on, and she freaked out thinking that today was my birthday. But she calmed down when she realized it's only Wednesday.

If that was today, I cannot imagine what tomorrow has in store.

5.08.2007

Overheard in the Office

I did good today. The words "kick ass" and "absolutely stunning" were used by the people that matter. But the energy it took to do all that effectively zapped me of all brain power and the will to live by 3 pm. How I'm still awake at 9 pm is kind of a small miracle.

But now we're that much closer to the big day. In the meantime:

GPG: *reading* Lanugo: “a soft, fine coat of hair that forms on the arms and other body parts of a person who has anorexia nervosa.” So if you’re hairy, you might have anorexia!

Coworker #1: If you have anorexia, I think it grows on you to keep you warm.

GPG: Or to make it look like you aren’t so skinny! Because it shimmers in the light, adding weight.

Gaggle of coworkers: *roll on floor laughing*

GPG: I think that’s cool, you get a free fur coat if you’re too skinny. Bonus!

This was probably only funny because we were on our innumerable consecutive day of 10+ hours in the office. You get a little loopy from that much fluorescent light exposure.


I'm also in no danger of a fur coat. But that's really okay. Fur is murder.

5.07.2007

An Unexpected Birthday Surprise

May is when summer starts here in Los Angeles. And what good is summer without a good ol' fling?

And because my birthday falls right at the beginning of this wonderful season, I usually give myself a very special present. The kind that keeps on giving, if done right. On my 24th birthday, it was the bassist of a local band. At 25, it was a French restauranteur. 26 was a lovely Swede.

This year, maybe in preparation of this annual ritual, my body decided to give me something back. Sometime over the last week, my boobs have felt heavy. Bigger. And my bras weren't fitting properly.

And it's not because I gained weight, thank god.

There's also been this weird tightness over my sternum, like my boobs are pulling it out of its socket. It's very weird.

So whoever the lucky penis-bearer is this year will, at the very least, have his hands full.

5.06.2007

Respondez S'il Vous Plait

I haven't seen my semi-Jewish friend Mr. Reed since...well, he's missed the last few birthdays. And he's missing this one again for a bullshit reason: school. He's currently attending that Christian university out there in Malibu.

Mr. Reed: I can't make it, I'm so sorry.


GPG: Bad! Why not?

Mr. Reed: I have a conference for school.

GPG: What the fuck?

Mr. Reed: I'm going to be holed up at a hotel in Agoura Hills all weekend.

GPG: Mother's Day weekend, seriously?

Mr. Reed: Yeah, isn't that fucked up? And we can't leave the hotel.

GPG: What the hell are they teaching you anyway?

Mr. Reed: How to find Jesus? I don't really know.

Religion is now fucking with my birthday plans.

ARGH!!

5.04.2007

Photoblogging Friday 5.4.07

It has been a very, very long week that most nights ended with a liquid dinner in the form of red wine. It's amazing how tired the body can be, and yet the brain doesn't want to shut the fuck up. So, alcohol to poison it into submission.

Aside from the wine, two things got me through the stress:


It's dark...

Hello boys...



A crappy candid taken 3 years ago at Red Rock on Sunset, but I like it anyway. The boy on the left, a badass guitarist. The boy on the right...just a man with a certain je ne sais quoi.

And they both helped keep me sane this week by reminding me that not only is there something to look forward to next weekend, but also that my love is never wasted on either one of them.

L'sigh. My heart hurts.

***

PS: Happy birthday, mommy!!

5.02.2007

Overheard at "Yoshinoya"

The hill top house of Cal Asian fusion has been a hangout of ours for years. Mostly for the view, but we're also in good with the people up there and are treated like rock stars. And the hottie ninja behind the bar sometimes tries to poison me with chocolate-infused tequila martinis. Who could ask for a better time than that?

The hottie is your typical tall, dark, gorgeous model of a man, but he's also a sweetheart who cracks me up (and, did I mention, a NINJA?!). Like the other night after the Clippers game, when I was telling him about the really attractive white man sitting down on the floor with us, that I spent the entire game drooling over:

GPG: I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, but I've had this blond thing going on lately.

Hottie Ninja: You don't like blonds?

GPG: Ew, no. Not usually. I like the tall, dark, and handsome package just like you. But the last few guys have all been light.

HN: Ah. You've got the Aryan Fever.

GPG: *laughing* Yeah, and it's white hot.

Is there a vaccine for this?

5.01.2007

Abracadabra

There are days I spend living in hotels. Today, it was the beautifully cavernous, magical old Biltmore. Where I always run into someone.

Through the throng of women in hats, a cacophony of voices ricocheted off the high ceilings and suddenly, there he stood staring directly at me, with a look of bewilderment all over his once-pretty face. He told his colleagues he'd catch up to them and made his way over.

"Hey," he stammered, not quite sure what to say to a woman whose last words to him were, "you disgust me."

"Hello." I raised an eyebrow.

"Uh...I'm here for the women in business luncheon. Just escorting a couple of colleagues." As if he had to explain himself.

"I've got a couple lawyers in there," I told him, tossing my head in the general direction of a room teeming with attorneys. Gave the curls a good shake.

"You look good." He was being polite, of course.

"So do you." I lied. He's lost 30 pounds and looks emaciated under that lovely suit. It just hangs on him now.

"Well, I've got to run, but it was really nice to see you."

"Bye."

And he ran away. Literally, ran. The shock was clear on his face, his body language, his hesitancy. Me, I never changed expression. Nonchalant and a little cold maybe. Because I could be.

He was in my world. When a Cat Burglar invades my territory, he's not going to play his
verbal mind tricks on me.

The whole episode did, however, fuck with my brain. Because I just so happened to be telling a coworker about a drunk I once knew. And suddenly one appeared.


As if I had whispered the wrong magic word.

4.30.2007

April by the Numbers

No single month has passed faster than April. Seriously. Not even short little February. I think it's the fact that a) my birthday is in 10 days, and b) I'm so busy I don't know what day it really is. If it weren't for my birthday being in 10 days, I'd be totally lost.

Did I mention my birthday is in TEN DAYS?!!!

Just want to make sure you know.

ANYWAY. In honor of one wedding that will be taking place the same night as my party, replete with kilts AND hawaiian t-shirts, lets get this damn list done:

3 consecutive weekends with at least one of the Girls
3 birthday parties
1 pretend mountain lion used as a diversion
1 rockstar night
2 bands
7 of us trying to sober up at the Hollywood IHOP
4 photo shoots
665 pictures taken
2 happy hours enjoyed
1 dungeon bar discovered
4 new friends made playing "Asshole" at Library Bar
3 disappointing location scouts
300 dollars wasted on that
40 minutes riding around in a new Kompressor
100 dollars for a French lunch
3 conversations denying I chew men up and spit them out (I really don't)
3 completely different men trying to convince me I do
1 baby brother who promised to break the arms of a man who physically hurts me (yay!)
1.5 hours spent at the downtown courthouse
4 sheriff boys flirted with
1 Clippers game
2200 dollars paid to our evil government
80 million hits for pictures of my boobs (hi, Switzerland!)
10 days left till my birthday!!!

I love this time of year!