Trannies, Trannies EVERYWHERE

I was only half-joking about the tranny sitting next to me at the airport.  She could have very well been a woman.

Just an not attractive one.

I was definitely not joking about the tranny at lunch today.  She was sitting at the table directly across from me.  Dressed as a woman with a 5 o'clock shadow.  It was NOT pretty. 

The story went out via Twitter.  Find me there when I'm not here.  Which is pretty often these days.

The real question is why am I suddenly seeing she-males everywhere?  It's like they're coming out in droves!  So eenteresting.

Identity Crisis

I've spent the last 30 years of my life believing I am a unique person.  One with a slightly unusual name.  It's not outright odd but definitely far from common.  Both first and last.

So imagine my surprise when a little girl on Facebook turns up with my EXACT SAME NAME.  A 15 year old child with a main image that makes her look only slightly a lot like a whore.  This is one of the many reasons why Facebook is evil.

Do a Google search for me and she's the 3rd listing on the page.  I, of course, had to befriend her.  She is, after all, my cousin.  I know this because our last name stretches out of one solitary family tree.  The geneologists say so.

It's very odd to see updates from me that aren't about me.  "Ghetto Photo Girl commented on Random Person's photo."  No I didn't.  "Ghetto Photo Girl is a fan of Some Weird Group."  No I'm not.

It's fucking crazy.  30 entire years meeting only ONE other person with my same first name.  ONE.  And now, this.  It's not like my name is Jane Smith.  Or Maria Lopez/Gomez/Gonzalez/*insert common Spanish name here.*

Not that this in any way changes who I am.  I just have to make sure that if any potential employers are cyber stalking me, they recognize that the little girl with the straight hair and booty shorts isn't me.  I'm the one with the curly hair.

Duh.

Two Things #5

1. Something is eating me alive.  First this, and then today, little vampire bites on my chest.  I'm in the middle of a meeting with our CFO when I realize that I have itchies and it's from two pricks on my chest.  I got home and realized there are four more on the bottom of my left foot.  For fuck's sake!

2. I finally joined Facebook.  And I hate myself.  It's my alumni association's fault.  They're using this to keep everyone in touch.  Why they can't use the website they created expressly for that purpose is beyond me.  Can't we all be adults and stick to Linked In instead?

The Circus Comes Back Around

Working in the center of downtown Los Angeles means that on any given day, a rally at City Hall or a film crew in the middle of the street can impact business.  We get notices on a weekly basis for street closures or other activities that might affect our commute.

Sometimes these are worthy causes and/or fun events.  Like a marathon to raise money for charity or a Madonna concert at Staples Center.  But sometimes, they're bullshit.  Like the media advisory that came last week:

Spears v. Federline Hearing Continued

(BD455662)

Tomorrow’s Spears v. Federline status conference is continued to 8:30 a.m. Friday, July 18, Stanley Mosk Courthouse, 111 N. Hill St. Los Angeles 90012.

# #

 

This was pretty much a press release to the papparazi.  We got a hold of it because our people deal with the courts and they might want to know about the insanity taking place there.  Brilliant, don't you think?

Being Eaten Alive

I woke up with 7 bug bites all over my body.  This is clearly a sign of the impending apocalypse. 

At least none of them were on my face.  Dating and the red carpet fundraiser I have to go to this week would be doubly difficult.

Fucking vampire bugs.

Legal Tethers

On July 1st, the law in California changed.  Upon penalty of death and/or imprisonment in the black hole of Gitmo, you can no longer talk with a phone to your head while driving.  You CAN dial and/or text with the phone in your hand while driving, thereby taking your eyes off the road, but you CANNOT watch the road and have the phone to your head at the same time.

Lawyers write these things...

I have a bluetooth headset.  It sucks.  So I went looking for a corded solution.

The first place I went to was Radio Shack.  The sales guy was clearly enjoying the benefits of required sales, and his eyes lit up when I said I needed an earpiece for my Blackberry.  Because now he could upsell me on all sorts of gadgets, I'm sure.  Imagine his disappointment when I told him I already had one.  He then turned sullen--like a child, with a pout and all--and told me they were sold out of the others.  Then he stopped talking to me and stomped away.

I kid you not.  He threw a tantrum because I didn't want a wireless earpiece.  It was amazing. 

The Lights Are On...?

I was most disgusted with the human public today. Because the human public is STUPID.  Case in point:

I hurt my back.  Again.  I decided it best to swim a few laps at my gym.  The problem was that I didn't know if there were any aqua classes or lazing hordes of old people to avoid.  So I called.

The girl on the phone just could not tell me when the busiest/slowest pool times were.  I had to ask her three different ways.  I even made a comparison to the other gym I used to go to on the westside, telling her that the old people would gather in the mornings, but by mid-afternoon I could usually get a decent, unobstructed swim up and down a lane.  She told me all about the depth of the pool, the number of lanes, how there was a jaccuzi, and how they didn't have any water classes, but if I wanted one, I should contact such-and-such and tell them.

Finally, she said she had to get a fitness instructor because she didn't check the pool, despite the fact that it has a glass wall that she looked through to tell me that there were currently people swimming.  I waited about 30 seconds before considering hanging up, then the instructor got on.  She sounded equally as bright as the first girl.

When I asked her what the peak time for pool activity was, she answered with "what do you mean?"  My bad for using words that are too big for her little brain.  I was finally able to get that 11-3 were the slowest times over the weekend.  That only took about 6 minutes of my morning.

I tried again as I was leaving the gym, hoping it was a different girl at the front than the one who answered the phone.  No such luck.  She tried to get me to contact the same such-and-such to get classes added.  I kept repeating that I didn't want classes, I wanted to just be able to swim whenever the gym was open.  She finally got that through her little head, but not before she'd written the email address down for me.  And she was clearly disappointed.

Kids, this is what happens if you don't go to college.

Road Wars

Complaining about the price of gas is as effective as voting for Ralph Nader. And when I decided to use my mother's V6 sedan while my parents are on vacation, I knew I'd take a slight hit on the gas end.

Holy shit. $71 for regular unleaded. And I should have used the premium stuff, but with prices being what they are? Hell no. Two weeks ago, it cost me $50 for my own car, and that's a tiny little four-cylinder...this one has a bigger tank and gas is up 13 cents since then.

I was so furious.

You know what else costs $70? Two weeks worth of groceries for my house--and that's including the new jacked up prices and all my special gluten-free crap. $50 buys you a full sushi dinner for two at Sushi Dan's--replete with celebrity sightings. I can get two pairs of shoes for $70. The other day I bought seven dresses for that much. My phone bill is even less than that. The only thing that rivals it is my cable bill...but only by a couple bucks.

Food, clothing, entertainment, and communication. All of it amounting to less than a goddamn tank of gas. That will last me a week--if I'm lucky. Too bad there aren't any real alternate transportation options.

Somehow that just doesn't equal out. How long before there's a revolt? Oh right, we have an election in November. How much worse can it get in the next 5 months?

Mercy, Mercy Me

1. Earthquakes in China.
2. Cyclones in Myanamar.
3. Tornadoes in the Plains.
4. Wildfires in Florida.

Does anyone else have the feeling that the planet is in full retaliation mode? Earth so hates us right now.

What's going on, indeed.

Photoblogging Sunday 4.6.08

Don't get all excited. I just happened to have my camera out while driving around the Gaslamp District. And I'm still so pissed off about Saturday's game, I can't quite write about anything. Because seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?

Anyway:



Here's the question: it's supposedly called The Local. But to me it looks like The Loca 1. Which, when put with the rest of the sign "eatery and watering hole," really makes me think it should be a strip bar.

Anyone else think so?

Falling Apart at the Seams

Remember how I suddenly have a bad liver? Which sucks because one of things I love most in this world is 18 year old scotch. Well it just goes from bad to worse:

Now I find out that my adrenal glands are "tired." Which isn't in and of itself a death sentence. The adrenals can be rehabilitated. It's the fact that I'm also allergic to wheat, soy, sugar, peanuts, eggs, and chlorine that bothers me.

Did I mention I was a swimmer in high school? I was just poisoning myself back then.

Most of the rest of these are easily avoidable. Except for the wheat and soy. They're in EVERYTHING. Lucky for me, gluten-free products are suddenly all the rage AND the price of wheat just skyrocketed world wide. So very soon, wheat products will be priced out of the market and then I can go back to only worrying about the fact that I can't eat sushi without soy sauce.

Oh, soy. It seems so harmless. Then I found out today it was in my tea. TEA, for chrissakes! Lemon ginger tea. What the hell?

It is so annoying.

Pussies Dominate in LA

There are news reports this morning of a wild cat running loose through the hills of the West Valley. Mountain lions own the foothills around here. So it's pretty absurd that people clear out these precious parcels of land, move in and then complain that the cougars are eating their young. How are they surprised by that?

If you move into one of these areas, you know the risks. And what you're risking is being eaten by a wild animal. Yes, in the middle of this sprawling metropolis, there are still vicious, untamed creatures roaming about. Very few of them now because we keep killing them anytime they get too close to our swimming pools. That's a damn shame. We're gobbling up their territory, destroying their food sources, but god forbid they start encroaching on ours.

It's pure arrogance that because you paid $1 million (or vastly more) for your plot of land, replete with a view of the entire city that makes you feel like a Roman Emperor, the wildlife should be destroyed.

Nero fiddled while Rome burned. Maybe we should fiddle while the cats eat the hill dwellers. They are, after all, getting what they deserve.

Time for a Second Opinion

I got some bad news from the doctor the other day. My liver is compromised. That's not fun.

It's not past the tipping point, but inheriting bad genes is not helping.

And the kicker? It was probably caused by the drugs he put me on. File that under Supremely Fucked Up.

Spanky doesn't handle medical malpractice, but he suggested someone who does. I'm not convinced there's a case here, but it's comforting that my friends are attempting to help the best way they know how.

The upside? Ceasing to drink probably would not help this condition. Wouldn't hurt either, but at least alcohol won't kill me.

At least there's a silver fucking lining.

Fucking doctors.

Where's My Paycheck?

Sometimes they pay us on the Friday before the payday (1st and 15th). Sometimes they don't. We thought we'd figured it out: if the end of the pay period falls before Wednesday, then we would get the check early.

Tuesday is the 15th. But my bank account is not currently enjoying my direct deposit.

Dammit.

More Free Gifts

Remember how my super cool clients bought me an iPod? I casually mentioned it to Spanky, who is a member of a different client group, and his response was that they had to get me something even better.

Who doesn't love a healthy competition for my attention?

Guess what I got today? A gift basket. A small one.

Laugh. Out loud. Hard. Please.

I immediately called him up to thank him for passing along the message that something better than an iPod would be the best way to bribe me into giving a shit about the work I have to do for them. And then asked him if a GIFT BASKET would fetch more on Ebay than the $65 I got for the iPod.

The consensus: decidedly NO.

There was a bottle of dry sparkling wine in it. Which I don't normally care for, but there's an architect that I could be spending all weekend in bed with, and we're going to need something to drink, so sparkling wine might just fit the bill.

But seriously: a fucking GIFT BASKET? Isn't that what you get for someone you don't like too much? And how do middle-aged lawyers assume that a basket of foofy shit like tapenade and fake champagne trumps a cute little mp3 player for a hip 29-year old event planner???

Guess who will be getting more of my attention in the new year? The people with taste, that's who.

Reasons for Road Rage

There are some amazingly dangerous drivers out there. Every city has them. You can complain all you want about how people forget to drive when it's raining/snowing/etc. But today, that was not the case.

Today, there was not a cloud in the sky. It was so clear that you could see the snow on the San Gabriel mountains looming just 45 miles away. Pretty to look at. With that view in the distance, I was able to enjoy a leisurely and uneventful drive to work this morning.

Until I reached the intersection of Venice Blvd and Hoover St, in a little area of the city known as Pico-Union. It's kind of the 'hood. It's also a scant 3 miles from my office.

At this little juncture of my travels, a charcoal grey Mini Cooper without a license plate decided he was going to race me down Venice Blvd. I have no idea why. But as soon as the light turned green, he immediately sped out and cut me off, nearly slamming into a van making a right turn into my lane.

Since he was driving so erratically, I let him have a wide berth. I slowed down and changed lanes. With a good city block between us, he was clearly keeping an eye on me because he swooped into that lane too. I switched back. He did the same. I stopped at a light and he sped off.

But he was waiting for me at the next intersection. Him in the right lane, me about to make a left. He stayed a few car lengths back so we'd line up next to each other. He glared at me. I waved. He started making obscene gestures. With his tongue. And yelling something. I'm sure it was nasty. But his window stayed up, so I have no idea what it was.

The light changed and he sped off again like a bat out of hell. I honestly have NO idea what I did to antagonize the guy (prior to waving, anyway). And to risk all those innocent people on the road? What a fucking asshole.

I really wish I'd had the LAPD number handy. I was ready to call the police on this freak. There are usually traffic cops in that area all the time, so I'm surprised one didn't catch him speeding down a business district. But I was so rattled, I wasn't about to try dealing with 411 while driving. And there was no way I was pulling over, lest he double back and ram right into me.

People are fucking crazy. No wonder everyone hates Mondays.

Americans are Fucking Retarded

I am truly embarrassed by the citizens of this country. This is worse than what the Tonight Show captures on their Jay-Walking segments:



The religion of Israel is Catholic? How about Muslim? Australia mistaken for Iran? Hiroshima known for its Judo-wrestling? We had 3 world wars? That was my favorite. Mostly because it was said by a guy old enough to have lived through both world wars.

How fucking stupid are we???

My head hurts.

How to Shop Successfully

Over the weekend I came away with the biggest steal I never imagined. If you want to be a master consumer, do as follows:

1. Drive under an overcast sky and realize you left your cheapie sunglasses at home.
2. Pass by a Ross Store.
3. Become enticed by the prospect of more cheapie sunglasses.
4. Brave a crowded parking lot and holiday shopping crowds at said Ross.
5. Enter Ross.
6. Immediately find 4 pairs of sunglasses that fit the bill.
7. Fall in love with the pair that has no price tag.
8. Decide on two pairs and assume they're both the same non-designer brand.
9. Stand in tiredest looking cashier's line who will ring up both for $6.99.
10. Drive on with hip, supposedly-cheapie sunglasses.
11. The next day, show off really cute sunglasses with coworkers.
12. Have coworker inquire as to brand of sunglasses since they appear designer.
13. Scoff at her because your find is clearly non-designer and cheapie!
14. Check sunglasses and realize they're actually made by Michael Kors.
15. Laugh your ass off.

Ross not sell this particularly over-priced brand of accessories. Someone must have left them by accident and, like an idiot, I assumed they were merchandise. My question is, if you can afford to throw away $200 on non-prescription shades, why are you shopping at Affordable Knock-off Central?

Whatever the reason, thanks!

Pill-Popping Princess

Nearly 8 weeks ago I had my stomach scoped. Immediately after which I was told that everything looked normal.

A month later, the doctor who performed the procedure called to say they found an ulcer-causing bacteria in there and I needed to go on meds for 2 weeks. I was actually relieved because I still had serious tummy issues, so at least now I knew it was all in my head. I tried to make an appointment. The earliest they could fit me in was 3 weeks later.

That was today. So I had to take the morning off work, pay to park, then wait 30 minutes to see the doctor. All so he could just write me 4 prescriptions. That's it. He didn't examine me. He didn't do a damn thing that warranted me going into the office at all. In fact, he could have called the fucking pharmacy 3 weeks ago and I could have been finished with these damn pills already instead of spending all that time suffering unnecessarily.

Fucking asshole.

So now I have the joy of taking 18 pills a day for the next 14 days. During which time I can't drink because of weird side effects from one of the meds.

You can imagine how irritated I am.

Why Work is Bad

Have you seen those Careerbuilder commercials where workers are in a Survivor-type environment, the tagline being "Do more than survive the work week"? There's one where hapless workers are enticed by free doughnuts and bagels, only to fall down a hole and get trapped in mindless meetings.

That gives you an idea of what my typical workday feels like.

Meetings are like purgatory: an endless limbo of people talking in circles, deciding nothing but to continue "thinking by committee" at the next meeting.

It's so painful that stabbing myself in the eye would accomplish more and still hurt less.

But recently I've noticed an even more annoying trend: chewing gum in meetings. In fact, one director goes so far as to bring in new flavors every time we meet. What the fuck? So everyone sits around the table chomping away at Berry Blast or Citrus Melon.


Do you know how difficult it is to take a department head seriously when they look like cows chewing cud? It's awful. I lose respect for them with each smack of the gum. And then I start to wonder why they make more money than I do. Which makes me depressed. And makes the time in the meeting that much more miserable.

Sometimes I wish it was a little more like Singapore.