Overheard in the Family #21

The other night, my baby brother had to take his fancy-pants iPhone to get fixed. Baby Aladdin had stuck it in his mouth at some point, rendering it useless. On our way there, he felt the need to confess something:

Baby Brother: You're probably going to blog about what I'm about to tell you.

GPG: Why?

BB: The other night, I was bored. So I downloaded a trial version of World of Warcraft.

GPG: Oh dear god. You're such a dork.

BB: I just wanted to see what it was about.

GPG: DORK. And yeah, I'm totally blogging about that.

He knows me so well.

Overheard in the Family #20

My brother came to visit last weekend.  Over dinner one night, my mom was trying to feed Baby Aladdin, who can be a little bit of a pain in the ass at dinner time:

Dad: Hey, don't you want to eat your rice? *acts like a gorilla*

Baby Aladdin laughed and then asked for more green beans.

Baby Aladdin: Beeeees!

To continue entertaining him, my father started acting like Frankenstein while my baby brother gorged his ass on donut holes.

Later on, my baby brother played basketball with a huge beach ball and pretended he was any good at it. 

GPG: You're retarded.  *gets hit with a ball*

Overheard in the Family #20

My brother is in trouble.  Now that he knows about the blog, he knows that he's fair game.

Baby brother: You know what I realized today?  I've been mixing up "sore" and "soar" for years now.

GPG: What?

BB: Soar and sore.  I've been using them wrong.

GPG: Are you sure you want to admit that to me?

BB: Yeah.

GPG: You know I'm going to blog about this, right?

BB: *sighs* Yeah.

This, after we traded text messages all day calling each other retards. And then plotted how we're going to expose his kid to football this season.  It's going to be awesome.

I love my baby brother. 

Overheard in the Family #18

This weekend was my nephew's first birthday party.  The little cousins ranging in ages from 7 months to 9 years gathered to celebrate.  My pregnant cousin's four year old angel of a son had this to say to the daddy of the birthday boy (retold to me later):

Angel: So when are you going to give him a sister?

Baby Brother: Um, not for a long time.

Angel: I'm going to have one soon.  When she gets here I can sell her to you.  I'm not going to want her around.  All she's going to do is cry.

I fell over laughing when I heard this.  He's four year's old!  And already trying to get rid of his unborn sibling.  Wow.

Overheard in the Family #14

My baby brother's birthday and first father's day was this weekend. In order to maximize the partying, I took the train down on Friday night. No traffic, no misery, just a great view of the ocean for most of the way down.

Usually, the Shambot and I gang up on the poor guy. But since it was his weekend, we ganged up on the Shambot instead. Because she can take it as hard as she dishes it out, this is usually a lot of fun.

Except when they ganged up on me. I got carded at the tequila bar. My baby brother did not.

Shambot: Take it as a compliment.

Baby brother: Yeah, you're old. But at least you don't look it.

GPG: I'm not old.

BB: Dude, you're THIRTY.

GPG: You guys keep thinking that's an insult, but it's not.

BB: THIRTY!

GPG: It's an accomplishment. You don't know what I did in my twenties. I'm lucky to have made it this far.

Shambot: You were a whore, weren't you?

GPG: Hey, at least I didn't get pregnant!

That pretty much shut the Shambot up. But we all knew it was just fun and games. Because Baby Aladdin is totally awesome.

Then we went home and played Grand Theft Auto IV. I forgot how much fun shooting people in the face can be!

I Hate Myspace

And yet I've spent the last 30 minutes updating pictures, responding to comments, leaving some for people with birthdays.

Before this, I hadn't signed in for a good 3 weeks...and back then it was only to see who was leaving me birthday comments. And also for pics of Baby Aladdin.

Ugh. Who am I?

May by the Numbers

I love May. Not just because of my birthday, but there's also a sense of giddy anticipation floating in the air. Spring is here, summer is just around the corner, and it always feels like I'm getting into my groove again. It's a great time of the year.

3 weekends with the adorable Baby Aladdin
2 events with the adorable feds
4 birthdays celebrated
134 combined years reached
1 new promotion to work towards
1 horrible dream about messing up my presentation
20 minutes before technical difficulties did actually screw it up
5 mortifying minutes trying to get tech support to fix it
20 very understanding attendees
4 personnel changes
3 days planning for contingencies
1 very exhausting round of chess
1 round of completely surprising text flirting
32 years of scotch promised for the next date
3 hours networking
40 mostly socially inept individuals
1 excitable criminal defense attorney
9 months of planning culminating into one afternoon
1 bomb-sniffing dog in attendance
22 cowboys in attendance
2 cowgirls
370 other guests
1 forced karaoke experience
1 duet with the Shambot
4 songs done by my parents
1 entertaining family battle of the singers

March by the Numbers

I still hate baseball. But I love lists and numbers, so here you go. My quite busy 31 days:

13 hours playing the planner behind the scenes for one very long event
15 hours before the end of that and the start of a boat trip
3 nights on a cruise
12 hours docked in Ensenada
189 dollars for a passport
0 seconds spent exploring Mexico
0 need for said passport
2 gay boys instantly bonded with
40 dollars spent playing B-I-N-G-O
4000 dollars to be won
0 dollars won
150 dollars wasted at the spa
90 dollars of products they attempted to sell me
5 minutes to the top of the rock wall
20 minutes before my arms stopped vibrating
3 glorious days with my best friend, not worrying about a fucking thing
400 miles traveled by sea
260 miles traveled to and from San Diego
2 days with my baby brother's family
1 ticket for driving--unbeknownst to me--my brother's car without the lights on
10 full minutes of a child screaming while the fucking cop wrote out the ticket
1 UCLA game enjoyed with my brother and his son
13 college basketball games watched all month
4 games rooting loudly for Love & Co.
30 days dreading the start of baseball season, and my impending coronary
1 unexpected phone call from an ex
12 minutes of utterly shocked silence on my end
1 apology I still can't quite accept
2 family birthdays
49 years combined between them
4 new restaurants checked out with La Ria
1 very disappointing sushi dinner
3 movies enjoyed
4 days given to rescue a management project
17 days wasted on it by someone else
3 days taken to complete it
31 days spent kicking all sorts of ass

Exoterica Two Years Later

Looks like I missed my own blog-o-versary. Oops. Which is not spelled
o-p-p-s.

Sooo...what did we do around here? I'm not particularly thrilled about where this blog has gone. I've become a little to self-indulgent lately and less aware of the outside world. Maybe because there's a pointlessly slanderous presidential race taking place and that sucks the fun out of all conversations.

But it's not too late to turn the bus around! Lets reminisce on the highlights:

- Befriending a Spanker: he's now my go-to legal expert.
- Worst Blind Date Ever: but I still wear red lipstick.
- I'm a Boy: except for the boobs.
- Q&A w/GPG: interviews are fun.
- Happy Birthday to Me: because I have nice boobs.
- Faux Celebrity-dom: I'm not her, get over it.
- Discovery of a New Vice: it's so damn good for you
- And The Family Grows: he's so fucking adorable

Then nothing good until some Queer Dude acted the fool at the nail salon.

Maybe this year will be better? You tell me: what should I do now? I must overcome this blog ennui!

February by the Numbers

I enjoyed February. It flew by, but I think it was good.

1 trip to San Diego
230 miles round trip
20 miles with a screaming baby in the back seat
10 miles spent feeding him with my right hand while shifting with my left
3 hours to get there
2 hours to get back
4 days spent with my baby nephew
1 last minute Valentine's Day booty call received
0 seconds spent even considering it
1 rejected architect
1 brand new crush on a cop
10 V-day texts sent
4 responses received within 60 seconds
2 short films
8 minutes each film
35 minutes to get to the theater
45 minutes spent in the theater
7 new LA spots visited
9 Yelp reviews posted
1 glass of honey wine
2 hours enjoying Ethiopian food
3 types of tequila to choose from
1 Porsche jokingly posited as incentive for services rendered
0 chances of receiving said gift
8 hour-marathon of my favorite new tv show House, MD
1 38th birthday ignored
1 30th birthday celebrated all classy-like
2 promotions handed down
25 percent of my work off-loaded
7 chiropractic visits
1 numb arm caused by poor posture and knitting
1 G-brat learning to knit
1 cruise to Mexico booked
29 days that prove I've earned it
30 years that prove the same

Revel in the Love

The excitement I feel for Valentine's Day is rivaled only by the love for my birthday. You can get more of why from reading my annual V-Day posts.

This year is no different. Since I'm still deep in rebound mode, I'm not spending today with a romantic partner. No, I have something better. My date this evening drools a lot, subsists on a mostly liquid diet, and is still in diapers.

And I'm completely enarmored with him.

That's right, I've got Baby Aladdin all to myself tonight! We're going to hang out and figure out this election and the Middle East problem. He's a very intelligent kid, even at 6 months. He'll then be spoiled by all of his cousins at tomorrow's love fest before I take him back to mommy and daddy so we can plan their wedding.

We've got love spilling out all over the place over here. Hope your day/week/life is as awesome as this.

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Overheard on Christmas

I don't know if it's a Latin American thing or what, but we've always celebrated Xmas on the Eve rather than the day of. The entire family gets together at my parents' house for a meal that includes mostly Puerto Rican fare, topped with Mexican salsa. It's fusion at its best.

Like most Puerto Ricans, our family is LOUD. Mostly because there's a lot of people in one space, but also, because they're Puerto Ricans. You have to be able to handle this if you're ever invited to a family function. The weak are eaten alive or summarily ignored. Those who have a mouth on them and like to use it are immediately adopted.

The Thanksgiving Incident was referred to numerous times. We like to poke fun at ourselves, and by extension, the rest of the family. And since some of the family hadn't been there, we had to bring them up to speed.

During a particularly rousing game of Mexican bingo, the following took place at increasingly decibel levels:

GPG: You guys, keep it down, or my mother is going to throw you all out!
Mom: *rolls eyes and chuckles*
Aunt J: You were in Hancock Park for crying out loud, what did you expect?
Cousin R: *loudly* We expected them not to be so uptight!
Aunt J: *louder* Eh, you were being low class, of course you got thrown out!
GPG: Mom, are you going to tell these people to shut up and go home already?

This threat kept coming up the rest of the night. It was much fun at someone else's expense.

***

My father believes everyone should drink wine. You don't get to come over to our house and not drink. He takes this as a personal insult:

Dad: *to my younger cousin* You want a drink?
GPG: Dad, he's only 15!
Dad: So?
Cousin: It's okay. I don't drink.
Dad: Well, I'm surprised.

***

The elder generation likes big families. My father has 6 brothers and sisters, my mom has 3. My mom's sister, Aunt L, had 5 kids. Apparently she and her husband expect the same of their own kids:

Uncle: I want 25 grandkids.
Cousin: Keep wishing. Or, go to Africa.

Adoption jokes are funny.

***

Later, we plugged in a Wii someone received for Xmas. It started with baseball among the 8-year-old set:

Cousin R: Now, I don't want to see you on 'roids, okay kids?
His brother (their dad): Hey, if you ain't cheating, you ain't trying!

***

And of course, because my baby brother is routinely mistaken for Middle Eastern (and his fiancee actually is), his nascent brood are the butt of more jokes:

Cousin M: Do we have a terrorist in the house?
Cousin R: Great, now we're going to get thrown out because of YOU!
Baby brother: My wife-to-be is actually part terrorist: she's Turkish and Iranian. Total Arab.
Cousin R: No shit?
Shambot: Hell yeah!
GPG: Please, we refer to his kid as Baby Terrorist!
Baby brother: *proudly holds up his son* Terrorist in training!

Politcally correct we are NOT.

***

The Shambot got her nickname because she's clumsy. Like a bad robot. We shouldn't let her drink:

Shambot: Oh no, look what I did! *shows red wine spill on her son's sleeve* I'm not even drunk, I'm just retarded!
GPG: Better on him than my mother's couch!
Shambot: Better on his sleeve than his head!
GPG: You were planning on giving him a Catholic baptism, right? Baptism by alcohol!
Baby brother: Get him a shirt that says, "My mommy spills wine on me."

Religious jokes are funny too, especially on Christmas!

***

When the night was finally winding down, the discussion turned to the baby's inability to sleep through the night already. My older brother, having lived through that hell with his two kids, made a suggestion:

Big Fish: Trust me, read the book. We gave you the book for a reason, READ THE BOOK!
Shambot: I have. But it's hard when you're in the situation and they're crying. I can't just let him cry.
Big Fish: READ THE BOOK! READ THE BOOK! READTHEBOOKREADTHEBOOKREADTHEBOOK!!!
Shambot: *to BF's wife* Your husband is being annoying.
BF's Wife: BF, shut up.
Shambot: Yeah, shut up.

And then it was midnight and time to go to sleep. So we could get up again in 6 hours because they kids hadn't yet opened up ALL their gifts.

Hope your holidays have been as memorable!

October by the Numbers

Oh it's late. Again. Sue me. No really, go ahead. I have lawyers in my pockets. And I'm just dying to force them to do my bidding. For 33%. Unless we go to trial, then it's 40%.

Fucking lawyers. They're also the reason last month's wrap up is so late. Lets all hate them together.

2 casual Fridays spent in a suit
11 events requiring my attention
17 stories before my lungs exploded in an icky mucus nightmare
6 days sick in bed
3 half-days of work missed
1 birthday party missed
24 years on the planet achieved by our favorite Shambot
3 months achieved by her baby son
1 Yoda costume for the baby
16 dollars for two Clippers tickets
1 surprise appearance by the newest member of the Phoenix Suns
21 points scored by my boyfriend Grant Hill
2 glasses of Simon LA's yummy California syrah
1 book unsigned
1 free glass of scotch
1 double shot of tequila spilled at Stone Rose
10 pieces of sushi
3 glasses of California Symphony @ T&A's
132 minutes cracking up over the unrated version of "Knocked Up"
1 little Krazy child taught to root for the losing Bruins
3 Saints wins
0 promised Saints t-shirts delivered
4 Raiders losses
0 Raiders merchandise owned
1 generic hooded costumed figure
1 NASCAR fan without his mustache
15 dollars to park
4 blocks walked, both up AND downhill
80 million freaks dressed up for the WeHo Halloween Carnaval

I Love This Game

Since you already got your photoblogging for the week, let me share the joy that was the unexpected treat of watching my all-time favorite basketball player boyfriend help his Suns clobber my favorite team. I'm a Clippers fan, no doubt. But when Grant Hill is in town, I swoon for no other.

In fact when my real boyfriend called to ask what was up, I told him I couldn't talk because my boyfriend Grant had all my attention. I can't talk and drool at the same time.

But the real funny was when my baby brother and I first arrived at Staples Center. The Spirit Squad girls were posing for pictures when we walked by. He'd been snapping pics outside with his new iPhone, so I figured he want to put it to further good use:

GPG: Want a picture with them?

Baby Brother: Nah. They're not that hot.

He then went to buy his baby a Clips ski cap.

I'm sure the Shambot appreciates it all.

Scavenging for Prizes

Over the weekend, my baby brother, the Shambot, my mom and Baby Aladdin participated in a scavenger hunt in beautiful downtown Burbank. Well, the baby was more of a silent partner. Like the team mascot.

We figured we had the inside track against the 4 other teams given that 3 of us were raised in the area, and most of the team lives with 5 blocks of it. We took the four page list, divided it among us, and ran off to hunt.

I was done with my list within 45 minutes, buying most of the items on my list. My teammates were much more resourceful, spending a whopping 86 cents between the 3 of them while I forked over a good 40 bucks. I returned everything except $8 worth of toys, which were immediately gifted to the G-brat and C-note.

2 hours later we reconvened and felt pretty confident about our findings. We were only missing 5 items, which were nearly impossible to find without running back to one of our houses. Which would probably have been cheating anyway.

Well we should have cheated, or at least driven a car to the event because we ended up coming in dead last. We could have picked up at least 4 of them at my mom's house: a driedel, license plate frame, magnets, fake monster teeth. That would have given us 20 points and tied us for 2nd place.

There are two morals to this story:
1. Always drive to the mall, and
2. Cheating is the only way to win.

I'm annoyed. This after running around in 3-inch wedges for two hours after attempting to climb a 74-story building the day before.

My feet still hurt, dammit.

But we did have a lot of fun. Next time, I say we do it drunk!

Overheard in the Family #9

Sunday I met up with the boys for breakfast. And by boys, I mean three generations of family members: dad, baby brother, and baby brother's baby.

I had pancakes. 3B had formula. In a bottle. Because he's a baby, get it?

3B was wearing pants that his daddy referred to as Aladdin pants. So his new name, since Baby Werewolf wasn't really catching on, is Baby Aladdin. Because he's part Indian, get it?

After breakfast, we met up with the rest of our generation and his progeny to watch the foosball.

My two brothers had the following conversation while the older one rocked 3B to sleep:

Baby Brother: Man, Baby Aladdin's got the life. All he has to do is eat and shit. I wish that's all I had to do.

Big Fish: You did have that life. Right up until you were 18.

That exchange might not be funny to you, but the way my brothers clown on one another makes it fucking hysterical to me.

And that's all that matters.

Overheard in the Family #8

My cousins and their kids came over to see the new baby. While we waited for him and his parents to arrive, we looked at pictures of his first day on my dad's laptop.

During all the oohing and aahing, my cousin Richardo says to me:

R: So are you feeling the pressure to deliver one?
GPG: Hell no. But Big Fish really wants me to have one. He said he wants me to feel the same type of life fulfillment that he's feeling from having children.
R: *deep belly laugh* Oh really?
GPG: Yeah! So I told him I'm not having children just so HE can feel fulfilled. That's bullshit.
R: I think you're going to surprise us all one day.
GPG: Don't hold your breath.
R: Except you'll be coming in saying you don't know who the father is.

My mouth dropped open as the rest of the adults (including both my parents!) cracked up.

That was so not nice.

August by the Numbers

Summer is officially over. At least, according to the calendar. The passing of Labor Day usually brings with it the death knell of summer vacation. Someone forgot to tell the weather gods though, because it's been hotter than hell here.

Nonetheless, 'tis the time for the number rundown:

5 solid hours drinking bourbon
1 street festival
1 game of pool in a random bar
12 water balloons launched at my opponent
8 more nights spent enjoying scotchy-scotch scotch
3 childhood friends bonding over bad Cuban food
7 hours spent learning to deal with difficult people
3-hour lunch enjoying the most succulent steak on someone else's dime
4-hour lunch spent downing bourbon martinis and accepting the F-torch
30 minutes spent drinking cheap champagne to celebrate a retirement and a promotion
15 days between the offer and the pay raise
65 minutes tolerating unpaid actors
48 full hours of vacation spent cleaning
30 minutes of the awesome Pee Wee's Playhouse
5 minutes of the greatest Swiss claymation penguin show ever: Pingu
3 hours babysitting the sweetest little boy
4.5 hours chilling with the G-brat dressed as Snow White
2 birthday parties with piñatas
2 Disney princesses present at the four-year old's
1 4-foot tall Superman piñata presented to the thirty-two year old
45 minutes of guitar rock
0 minutes spent playing Guitar Hero II
3 beers ingested instead
31 years of wedded bliss celebrated by my parents
31 days enjoying their newest grandchild

Overheard in the Family #7

My brother laid a guilt-trip on me because I haven't come over to visit enough since the baby was born. He told me my nephew missed me. So we had dinner and talked about birth control.

GPG: Can you even get pregnant while you're lactating?

Shambot (aka No-Longer-Pregnant Z): Well, they do make a pill you can take while breastfeeding. But I really hate remembering to take it every day at the same time.

GPG: Oh yeah, me too.

Baby Brother: *pointing to his son* And look at what happens when you forget. It was probably the Thursday pill. I think we should just call him Thursday.

Dad: That's what happened with you. Your mom forgot a pill.

GPG: Haha. We can call you Thursday too.

BB: No, I want to be Monday.

We're so bad. Between Baby Werewolf Thursday and talking sex at the dinner table, we're probably all going to hell.

But at least we'll be there as a family.

Photoblogging Friday 8.3.07

I spent yesterday afternoon with the newest edition to our family. He's a squishy little thing. Looks exactly like most newborns. And has a LOT of hair.

His mommy, recuperating from the surgery, looks amazing for someone who just had nearly 8 pounds of squirming goodness yanked out of her just 5 days ago. His father is the proudest man I've ever encountered (since my other brother had a his kids, that is). He's completely overcome with emotion and admitted that up until this weekend, he didn't even realized how much he truly loved the mommy.

She almost cried when he said that. They're the cutest little bunch.

Here's a shot I snapped just 30 minutes after the birth, through the nursery glass.

The proud papa and his progeny

I got to feed him finally. He fell asleep on my chest. So innocent and peaceful.

Life is so incredibly good right now.