Overheard in His Pajamas

The other night, I shared a bourbon-fueled Indian dinner and orgasms with an Architect. After much fun, we decided to take a break and venture out into the living room. Watch a little tv. Make out on the couch. Dive back into the yummy food we'd brought home.

Tip: Indian food does something AMAZING for one's sex drive. Trust me on that.

While flipping channels I opted for manly-man television. I am, of course, the awesomest chick on the planet. Also, it was his house, so I figured I should put on something he'd probably be interested in watching. Since he was letting me control the remote and all.

GPG: Ooh, Inside the NFL!

Architect: I love football.

GPG: Me too. But I'm more into college than pro.

Architect: Actually I used to hate football.

GPG: Because you're gay?

Architect: Because I was a total punk kid and totally anti-anything popular. Like football.

GPG: You mean you were gay?

Architect: No! But I like it now, so it's okay.

GPG: When did you start to like it again? 5 seconds ago when I said I like it?

To which he just laughed and made faces at me.

I love that I can tease him like that. He also, much to Jack's approval I'm sure, indulges my whiskey-lovin' ways.

Rebounds are so much fun.

Overheard after the Mani-Pedi

Lets cut to the chase. The moral of this story is that you NEVER pick up a man in a nail salon.

My vacation started off nicely enough. I'd slept in, ignored the mounds of crap still to pack, schedule a massage and a date...and then decided to get my toes done.

I walked in and was the only customer. Score. I sat in the spa chair and let the rollers do their job while the girl went to work on my feet. Then he walked in.

We'll call him Nail Salon Guy.

He was dropping names left and right while chatting on his cell phone. And because the place was absolutely empty, he had to come sit down right next to me. Lucky me.

As soon as he ended his call, he complimented my color choice. OPI I'm Not Really a Waitress: bright red and shiny. He said it would make a great lipstick. I responded that the only shade of lipstick that counts is red.

I, of course, assumed he was gay.

Despite the shallow Hollywood vibe, he turned out to be thoroughly entertaining, in an ADD sort of way. So I let him take me to lunch. Because who doesn't need a gay boyfriend?

After a few glasses of Sapporo and sake, he told the waiter that I was someone famous. I let him believe I was Jordin Sparks. Who NSG, supposedly in the music industy, had never heard of. Yeah, right.

He finally agreed that I wasn't this Jordin girl, but I had to be someone "known." And so the conversation went something like this:

NSG: You really are famous aren't you?
GPG: No, not at all.
NSG: Of course you are! You're just laying low, getting your nails done in the middle of the day.
GPG: I'm NOT famous. Do you want to see my license?
NSG: No, famous people have fake IDs all the time. You're definitely someone. The way you walk, the hair, you don't wear make up, and that sporty red car...you're somebody, you just don't want to admit it.

Then he tried kissing me and getting me to go back to his house with him. So I guess he wasn't gay. Which was probably the most disappointing part of the whole story.

But seriously, me as an undercover celebrity? Because I have curly hair and opted not to wear make up? Can you think of anything more absurd?!

It's been over a week and that story is still making me giggle. Some people are just bizarre.

And that is why, boys and girls, you should never go on a date with a guy you meet at the nail salon.

Dating the Curly Haired Girl #2

Be thee not a coward.

Cowardice is the least masculine of all personality flaws. And what the Curly Haired Girl needs most is a tough man who isn't insensitive, but also isn't a ninny.

Own up to your mistakes. Apologize when you fuck up. Stop fucking up. It's not that fucking hard.

To summarize thus far:

1. No assholes.
2. No alcoholics.
3. Ability to drive a fucking car.
4. No sissies.

I really don't think this is too much to ask for.

Tips for Dating the Curly Haired Girl

1. Don't be an asshole. I hate arrogant, self-involved men who think the world revolves around them.

2. Don't be an alcoholic. You really don't need to drink at every single given opportunity. No, really. You don't.

3. Know how to drive a stick. All real men need to know this.

It's so fucking simple! Oh, and also

4. Don't live far away. I really hate that part.