Dear John Letters...
I need to break off certain relationships because I don't feel like the other parties are making any effort to see that my needs are being met. I'm not a high maintenance bitch, I just believe in equal give and take. But it's time to make my displeasure known. So, in no particular order:
Dear Los Angeles City Planners,
The right-turn green arrow at intersections with three-way signals is wholly unnecessary when the light is green in the same direction. The law clearly states that green means go in that situation. Turn the damn thing in the opposite direction, so that people turning left, who are unsure if they have the right-of-way because you've chosen to baffle them with these ridiculous turn signals, know they can drive on without hesitation. Stop wasting my hard-earned taxes on bullshit.
And also, pave the fucking streets and stop letting oversized trucks tear them up. My car's alignment thanks you.
***
Dear Pimped Out Maxima Driver,
20-inch chrome rims on your 10-year-old family sedan are not, nor were they EVER, cool. Your accessories should never be worth more than the actual car. Dressing up a piece of shit does not, in any universe near or far, hide the fact that it's a piece of shit. My 18-inch rims came standard, because my car is cool. That does not make me better than you. It just means I have better taste. Save your money for gas.
And also, purple window tint is as ghetto as you can get. Please stop hurting my eyes with that monstrosity of visual pollution.
***
Dear Insecure Name-dropping Hollywood Transplants,
I don't care who you know. No one does. We don't care about the ex-baller and his private jet. This is not important. Nor is getting into some overpriced restaurant just because you were with the "right" person. If you can't get into the same restaurant without dropping names like anvils, you're not really all that important yourself, now are you?
I also don't want to hear this very story recapped every five minutes to each new passerby. They don't care either. Kindly stop airing your insecurities and just keep your trap shut.
And also, feel free to go back to where you came from. There are enough of you here already.
***
Dear Slumlord,
I have lived here for nearly five years. But it wasn't until you took over management last summer that this place started to go down the tubes. Before that, the few problems we did experience on a rare occasion, like that small leak in the ceiling directly above my bed, were fixed immediately. You, however, take a different, and severely misguided, tact. I know I don't absolutely need an ice maker in my fridge. But since it was there--and fully functioning--when I moved in, it would be nice if your reaction to it suddenly ceasing proper operation and consequently flooding the kitchen were something other than "oh well." If that's your attitude, maybe I'll just stop paying rent. It clearly means nothing to you.
And also, hot water isn't a privilege, it's a right. Fix the damn water heater valve so I don't have another gruesome repeat of this morning's cold shower. I think they heard me scream in Antarctica. Which was actually warmer than my shower.
***
Dear Greedy Westside Developers,
We live in perpetual gridlock here in West Los Angeles. I live here because I work here and believe commuting is for suckers (though even that 10 mile drive takes longer than common sense should allow). But not everyone is so lucky, and not everyone should be. The Westside is not exploding with jobs, so there is no need for this surge in housing. With that in mind, please stop building condos on top of condos on top of protected wildlife. $400,000 for a single apartment with wafer-thin walls in a complex with 3,000 identical cubbyholes isn't luxury living; it's an ant farm. And all those assholes with too much money and not enough self-esteem, clogging up my short commute all because they want a Marina Del Rey address, aren't fooling anyone. They are, however, straining the delicate surrounding ecosystem and narrow thoroughways.
And also, your huge trucks are tearing up the streets. Please get together with the city planners and drink the Kool-aid. Party!
4 comments:
Dear P Font,
I appreciate and am sympathetic towards your letters. Please be aware, however, that it is not correct (politically speaking)to use the phrase "Dear John" when describing letters anymore, as it is offensive to particularly sensitive Johns in the world. Our last campaign succeeded in curbing the use of "john" in the toilet context and I hope that you will assist in eliminating “Dear John” from the modern lexicon.
Thank you in advance for your attention to this matter.
Wonderland: Thanks for the tip! The Board of Health, or whichever department is responsible for enforcing those codes, may just get a phone call one of these days.
Captain: Yes, but a) I care not about politcal correctness, and b) it's a matter of cultural literacy. Everyone knows what a "Dear John" letter is, so...what would you suggest we change that to? Also, is there a campaign to curb the use of "john" in the prostitution context?
Finally, I come to comment on your new site... Love your 'Dear John" letters! Especially your rant to Mr. Pimped Out Maxima Driver... Can we cc: that to Mr. Honda Civic driver too? With all that $ spent on the oversized spoiler they could have bought a 'real car'. I look farward to more letters!
Man, I know whacha mean with the perpetual building... I remember when the OC was something other than giant square houses with no yards narrowly separated by giant strip malls. I think.
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