Dear John Letters #5

(I'm not the only one annoyed with the world these days. Avatar's got herself some irritation at Overworked & Underf*cked. Note, though that particular post is pretty PG-rated, the rest of the content is NSFW. Be warned.)

I'm much less cranky than I was this morning. Instead of going on a San Matias-flavored bender, I opted to play online poker for the first time ever. I doubled my money but then remembered it was a fake $2300. So here you go:

Dear Toilet Paper Ad Execs:

We get it! Marketing toilet paper requires walking that fine line between crude bathroom humor and prissy references to body parts only diaper commercials are allowed to show. But why for the love of god are we forced to endure the obvious allusion to that famous retort about bears in the woods? You're not clever. The cartoons are creepy. Anthropomorphizing bears only leads to this stupidity. Bring back the 80s commercials of kids stuffing their pants full of Charmin so when they fell on their asses it didn't hurt. That was cute. And completely inoffensive.

And don't even get me started on those weirdo winged handymen pretending to oui-oui in those Angel Soft commercials. Ick.

***

Dear "Beauty" Product Companies:

"Limited edition" products are absolutely senseless. Like these deodorants you're trying to promote as a celebration of the 50-year fight against smelly armpits. They're only available until the end of October, so why bother? Though this is not unusual. Because you beauty companies are notorious for putting out products that we fall in love with and then suddenly yank off shelves, never to be found again. And then we women drive ourselves crazier than shit house rats trying to find an exact match in some other product line. But we never do. That perfect shade of red lipstick that Clinique put out in the mid-90s? Gone forever. Because you are cruel, heartless, faceless corporations more concerned with your bottom line than making us look pretty!

Lets just hope Revlon grows some brains and decides to buck the trend by keeping it's "Raisin" ColorStay lipcolor around till I die. Because an unhappy GPG is not a customer with which you'll want to deal.

***

Dear Phone Company Nitwits:

Simply put, this overlay bullshit sucks. I wanted to order a pizza the other day, from a place a mere 2 miles, in the same area code. But because of your ridiculous new dialing procedure requiring me to dial my own fucking area code for this simple transaction, it took 3 tries before I got it right. Why is it I have to dial a 1 from the landline, but not my cellphone?

Remember when the operator actually admonished you for adding the extra digits when dialing within the same area code? Those days are long gone, my friends. Because there are too many fuckers in the 310, clogging up the streets and our phone lines.

You're just a bunch of morons. The 909/951 split illustrates that quite nicely.

***

Dear iTunes,

Why you have suddenly decided that I cannot legally download music is beyond me. Didn't you get the memo? PCs and Macs are playing nice now, so you can quit crashing everytime I try to access the Music Store. I still have $23 in free downloads, which you're holding ransom by refusing my connection.

Better yet, why doesn't Apple make the Music Store a stand-alone portal, so I don't have to dick around with you? Probably the same reason it packages that weird little doo-dad with its iPods without any explanation. Because you're a bunch of elitist geeks who couldn't get laid in college, so you had to resort to frustrating the rest of us in the here and now. Yes, blue balls suck. But don't take your revenge out on me.

Pansy assholes.