Exoterica

And the Lights Go Down

2009-02-03T21:01:00.000-08:00

All good things come to an end. This has been an interesting little experiment here at Exxy HQ, filled with some good memories. I've gotten to be sassy, bitchy, just plain mean. It was fun! I've also shared drinks and snail mail with some fantastic people because of my little pink corner of the internet.

Now, it's time for something different. Naked prose maybe.

To everyone who stuck around for the last few years, thanks. The adventure will continue, albeit in a completely different form. You can find me just about anywhere.

You'll just have to know where to look.

Good luck.

Hi There

2008-12-08T20:28:00.000-08:00

It's been so long since I logged into blogger, that I forgot my password. How great is that?

I would grace you with Dear John letters, but the one person who would be most amused is in the middle of law school finals. Also, I'm not angry at anyone but Warrick Dunn right now.

And that's all I've got.

Where is Smokey the Bear?

2008-11-16T19:20:00.000-08:00

I think I finally found a template I'm happy with, but editing the header has proven to be more difficult than necessary. So that will have to wait.

In other news, California is on fire again. It seems to get worse and worse every year. I went out to Santa Monica last night to party with other Bruins and watch us finally win one. The air out there is usually much cleaner, given its proximity to the ocean. Not so much last night. It was just as bad as where I live, which is much too close for comfort to one of the fires.

But I was out, and after a full 5 days chained to my bed because of a cold, it was nice to be anywhere but home. I kept my ratio of water to bourbon at a tolerable 52:1. That's right, I had 2 glasses of spirits over 5 hours and 104 glasses of water in between. So why do I still feel like hell?

Oh right, the world is on fire. Well then, carry on.

Mad Blogs

2008-11-12T20:29:00.000-08:00

I've spent the last 3 days sick in bed. And if all goes well, I can expect to spend the next 2 there as well. I tried leaving the house this morning to satisfy my unholy craving for a McDonald's sausage biscuit with cheese (no egg). But on the way back home, I realized my chest cold was keeping my brain from getting enough oxygen, and I was more dangerous than a drunk behind the wheel.

I also didn't remember quite how to get home. That kind of disorientation should be reserved for only the greatest spirits and narcotics, not for the elephant sitting on my chest.

But I digress.

Instead of telling you all this delightful story, I was simply going to give you a canned post generated by some crazy Aussies. (Not this one, but we like him lots too.) So here you go:

Crikey! I just climbed out from under my rock and realised I have not updated this since you last visited... You would not believe it only hurts when I laugh. My bad..

I am swilling chardonnay with setting fire to people wearing Crocs, being distracted by the shiny, just generally being a pain to anyone unfortunate to cross my path, my day is long and tiring from the light through yonder window breaks to I run out of alcohol. I am avoiding recapture. deal with it.

I won't promise anything to you but think of me as I battle mine enemies. What? What do you mean you don't believe me?

Have your own fun at The Lazy Bloggers Post Generator.

If You're Reading This...

2008-11-10T18:05:00.000-08:00

I've toyed seriously with the idea of simply shutting this blog down. You might notice the utter lack of updates lately, even the dependable monthly installment of By the Numbers. Blogs are like plants and small pets: they take care and feeding or they simply shrivel up and die. And frankly, I've never been good at plants or pets.

But then I other people's blogs and find inspiration again. Case in point: Los Angelista. I follow her on Twitter, where I live a life of greater transparency than ever displayed here. I don't know why that is. But I'm kind of falling out of love with the anonymity. Or maybe it's just the blog template.

So, if you're still around, I'll be here periodically too. And maybe I'll redecorate while I'm at it.

Overheard in the Family #22

2008-10-31T14:04:00.000-07:00

In this family, we love our deli meats. And we notice when one is missing.

GPG: Dad, did you buy prosciutto?

Dad: Oh, no.

GPG: Why not?

Dad: I forgot.

GPG: How could you forget that one? It's like forgetting to pick up your children!

Dad: Well, that happens too.

Well, I Suck

2008-10-28T21:59:00.000-07:00

To make this my least active blogging month ever, I've given you a grand total of now 7 new posts. Shameful.

But by the time I actually sit down to write, all the words are gone. I could give you a rundown of my recent tweets, but that's kind of my last resort.

So...what are you up to?

Another New Read

2008-10-27T21:06:00.000-07:00

Social networking will more than likely get you in trouble. And we all know I'm all for trouble.

Which is why you should read the stuff Mutha Mae puts out. One day, she's going to be famous and I can take credit for introducing her to you. I met her while networking socially, via this really cool device called the internetses. You should try it.

Plus she has twins from two different countries. How awesome is that? Even the Krazy Mommy, who is pretty rad in her own right, can't say her twins are from different countries. Or uteri, for that matter.

Enjoy!

Overheard in the Family #21

2008-10-23T20:06:00.000-07:00

The other night, my baby brother had to take his fancy-pants iPhone to get fixed. Baby Aladdin had stuck it in his mouth at some point, rendering it useless. On our way there, he felt the need to confess something:

Baby Brother: You're probably going to blog about what I'm about to tell you.

GPG: Why?

BB: The other night, I was bored. So I downloaded a trial version of World of Warcraft.

GPG: Oh dear god. You're such a dork.

BB: I just wanted to see what it was about.

GPG: DORK. And yeah, I'm totally blogging about that.

He knows me so well.

So, I Like Football

2008-10-17T19:27:00.000-07:00

According to Wordle, anyway.

Tracing the Days and Nights

2008-10-16T21:20:00.000-07:00

I forgot about how I use this blog as a time capsule. And the lack of blogging for the last few weeks might come back to bite me in the ass if I don't go burying nuggets of personal historical info in it and soon.

What's been going on? Well it turns out I own a dress that possesses magical powers. I don't know what it is about it, but every time I wear it, people go out of their way to compliment me. Like, emphatically. It's very...nice.

So when I thought I might run into someone from over the summer, I figured there would be no harm in wearing it. Nope, no harm. None. Not for the entire cocktail reception. Not on the corner outside the bar. Not in his car. And especially not from his office on the 19th floor of a downtown high rise. Overlooking the city. At night.

I'm clearly using my powers for good. It's delicious.

September By the Numbers

2008-10-12T18:35:00.000-07:00

So have you all been reading my baby brother's blog? Because you should. He does crazy things like update regularly. Mostly on the hilarious hijinx that take place in the world of stupid people. Fun stuff.

Me, I've been too busy for your entertainment, and I'm not sure that's going to change anytime soon. Apologies all around, but such is life. For now:

1 missed Greek Festival
75 stories climb
0 pain endured after
1 very surprised, but apparently in-shape, GPG
6 songs by our favorite certain man
1 happy song he prefaced by quoting his favorite GPG
2 consecutive dates that held promise, then didn't
6 uncomfortable hours spent on the world's worst date
1 shot of absinthe
1 promise never to touch that crap again
2 fantasy football games won
3 fantasy football games lost
1 fantastic UCLA football comeback against the almighty SEC
3 consequent losses
3 days spent networking in Tucson
100 attendees
15 of us delayed at the airport
2 football games watched together
3 hours late getting home
1 tour of Staples Center
2 minutes sitting on the Kings bench
10 minutes hanging out in the Clippers locker room
1 picture taken of me crouching in Chris Kamen's locker
100 women met at the Wealthy Bag Lady event
2 of them encountered again that evening at The Kress
3 drinks comped at the Viceroy
35 year old scotch
65 dollars for the privilege
2 charity events in one evening
6 cocktail parties
2 mandated by work

Timeout

2008-10-01T21:18:00.000-07:00

News: today I became an exempt employee. Yay?

Tomorrow I work a 12 hour day. No yay.

The month by the numbers will be, consequently, delayed.

I Still Love Donuts!

2008-09-29T23:39:00.000-07:00

And I refuse to apologize for it.

Find me on Twitter if you want to know how I celebrated La Ria's birthday by wearing the big girl lipstick.

Happy birthday, Ria!!!

Delectable Treats

2008-09-28T22:38:00.000-07:00

Very soon, I'm going to start documenting the hijinx that have ensued from the Dating 2.0 experiment. Like how I ended up on a date with an angry gay man.

I do NOT recommend it.

But till then, I have a new love to tell you about: crumb doughnuts. They're my new guilty pleasure. I cannot get enough of them. And they give me heartburn, but I don't care because they're so damn good.

For conquering the US Bank Tower on Friday, my parents bought me a box. We had them for dinner. They pair perfectly with a little rosé. I'm going to have one for breakfast tomorrow. And there's nothing you can do to stop me!

Mmm, doughnuts.

Woo!

2008-09-25T23:08:00.000-07:00

My baby brother has a new identity. He's The Nameless One at The Chronicles of WTF. Yay!!!

Expect to read a lot about people who can't spell. It's just what makes the grammar nazis in all of us cringe in horror. Exciting!

And now I must go to sleep because tomorrow I am climbing the tallest building in America west of the Mississisppi.

Wish me luck. And go read my baby brother's blog.

Overheard in the Family #20

2008-09-23T19:35:00.000-07:00

My brother came to visit last weekend. Over dinner one night, my mom was trying to feed Baby Aladdin, who can be a little bit of a pain in the ass at dinner time:

Dad: Hey, don't you want to eat your rice? *acts like a gorilla*

Baby Aladdin laughed and then asked for more green beans.

Baby Aladdin: Beeeees!

To continue entertaining him, my father started acting like Frankenstein while my baby brother gorged his ass on donut holes.

Later on, my baby brother played basketball with a huge beach ball and pretended he was any good at it.

GPG: You're retarded. *gets hit with a ball*

Angry Little Men

2008-09-18T21:56:00.000-07:00

My third cocktail party of the week was held at the Elevate Lounge, 21 floors above downtown. Despite my intention to lay off drinking until next week's Stair Climb, there was an open bar. But it wasn't until I stood there talking about scotch with a client that I absolutely had to have some. And damn, was it good.

It also completely squelched my fatigue. I've been feeling like hell lately. Maybe because I was at THREE parties in the last 7 days. All work-related. My life is hard.

One glass of scotch, 5 glasses of water. One of which the bartender accidently spilled on me. Thank god I wasn't wearing white. Then we started making jokes about getting wet. It was funny. He's a good bartender. Except for the "accidental" dropsies.

I'd go back to if the valet wasn't such an jerk. Look, I can park my own car. And I usually will, unless there is absolutely no parking around. But the entrance to the club's building is down an alley, across from an empty parking structure. You think I can't find my own space 20 feet from the door? Why should I have to pay someone 7 bucks to do it for me? Unfortunately, the answer is yes. They won't let you self-park. And the guy is always rude to me. So I refuse to tip him. It almost makes me never want to go back.

It's really too bad. Because that bartender was really cool.

Trannies, Trannies EVERYWHERE

2008-09-16T22:54:00.000-07:00

I was only half-joking about the tranny sitting next to me at the airport. She could have very well been a woman.

Just an not attractive one.

I was definitely not joking about the tranny at lunch today. She was sitting at the table directly across from me. Dressed as a woman with a 5 o'clock shadow. It was NOT pretty.

The story went out via Twitter. Find me there when I'm not here. Which is pretty often these days.

The real question is why am I suddenly seeing she-males everywhere? It's like they're coming out in droves! So eenteresting.

Back at the Ranch

2008-09-14T20:47:00.000-07:00

The checklist before the weekend:
1. New boy earning further dating adventures and, by extenstion, a nickname

2. Find job leads at the conference

Things I learned during my weekend in Tucson:
1. Drinking is a very important part of networking. Because when under the influence of Lagavulin 16, you will agree to serve on committees that will eat up all your valuable and precious little free time. And said committees will not only greatly enhance your resume, they will also put you in closer contact with the perfect people to help steer your career.

2. The boys are all gay, and you will end up watching football with women. All of who individually know more about it than all the boys combined.

3. A flight delay means more time to watch football with said women, all of whom are invaluable career resources.

4. Football is also a very important part of networking.

So while the trip was exceptionally successful, the boy has not yet earned himself a nickname. But that's more his problem than mine.

Off to the Grand Canyon State

2008-09-11T21:28:00.000-07:00

I just finished packing for my weekend trip to Tucson. And I found a pair of undies in my overnight bag (which doubles as my "smaller" carry-on). Which makes me wonder who I visited last I used said bag...

There will be a breakfast before departure. We'll see if he earns a nickname eventually.

In the meantime, enjoy your weekend while I party in the desert with a cadre of event planners. Maybe I'll come back with job leads.

Keep your fingers crossed!

Identity Crisis

2008-09-10T20:40:00.000-07:00

I've spent the last 30 years of my life believing I am a unique person. One with a slightly unusual name. It's not outright odd but definitely far from common. Both first and last.

So imagine my surprise when a little girl on Facebook turns up with my EXACT SAME NAME. A 15 year old child with a main image that makes her look only slightly a lot like a whore. This is one of the many reasons why Facebook is evil.

Do a Google search for me and she's the 3rd listing on the page. I, of course, had to befriend her. She is, after all, my cousin. I know this because our last name stretches out of one solitary family tree. The geneologists say so.

It's very odd to see updates from me that aren't about me. "Ghetto Photo Girl commented on Random Person's photo." No I didn't. "Ghetto Photo Girl is a fan of Some Weird Group." No I'm not.

It's fucking crazy. 30 entire years meeting only ONE other person with my same first name. ONE. And now, this. It's not like my name is Jane Smith. Or Maria Lopez/Gomez/Gonzalez/*insert common Spanish name here.*

Not that this in any way changes who I am. I just have to make sure that if any potential employers are cyber stalking me, they recognize that the little girl with the straight hair and booty shorts isn't me. I'm the one with the curly hair.

Duh.

New Funnies

2008-09-08T22:21:00.000-07:00

Ha.

See more at my favorite new cartoon blog Urf: A Grave New World.

Morphing Into a Family Newsletter

2008-09-07T20:04:00.000-07:00

It was a glorious weekend, by mere virtue of the fact that the football season finally kicked off and my baby brother was in town. With his son, who we taught to throw his arms up whenever we yell touchdown.

I also was at an alumni event to which we invited all the incoming students. The first of who showed up was a grammar nazi. She was awesome.

And the Saints won, so Monsieur was very happy. It only took me 15 minutes to get down the 405 to watch the game, and that made me very happy.

But the funniest part of the weekend, was the fact that now my family members are sending me stories specifically to be posted on this here blog. Apparently my mom took her three grandkids for a walk this morning, and as they were crossing the street, a woman attempted to run them down while she made a left turn. Imagine this: a late-40s woman pushing a stroller with a 5 and 6 year old in tow. And a bitch in a Honda impatiently nudging them with her bumper because--this is fantastic--she was late for church.

I really wish this story ended with my mother bitching the woman out. But it doesn't. She did, however, get to teach her grandchildren a bit about hypocrisy. So I guess it wasn't all for naught.

Cream of the Crop

2008-09-04T20:38:00.000-07:00

Online dating is absolutely magical. You single people out there, have you tried this yet? It's awesome.

Here's why:

Before I go out with someone, he has to write me an email. Lets repeat: he has to WRITE to me. It's the perfect vetting system for the grammar nazi in me.

I really love this new social networking world. Dating 2.0. It's rad.

Back to Work

2008-09-03T23:14:00.000-07:00

My vacation is officially over. Tomorrow I get a day full of meetings, in-fighting, and other crap about which I could really not care less. L'sigh.

There's another job in San Francisco which is looking very attractive.

The best thing about the last seven days was all the great stuff I packed into them. Like smacking my head on a machine at the gym today. Or the privilege of scraping my leg on a Kelly Wearstler chair last night. I am, after all, a klutz extraordinaire! And I'm continuing my trend from last month where I will bowl, cheerlead, date, network, drink, volunteer or tweet with reckless abandon just to make the hours between 8 am and 5 pm bearable.

Thankfully, the day will end with a cocktail party AND a Giants game. I love me some Eli Manning. While I drink scotch.

August by the Numbers

2008-09-01T22:41:00.000-07:00

I think I've figured out a way to keep the days from flying by: schedule every single minute of my natural, waking life, and then I'll feel like I've actually done something with my time. It's...awesome? And oh-so-tiring, but in a kind of good way.

7 entire days with NOTHING scheduled
24 days packed with too many activities to count
6 candidates interviewed
2 candidates hired
13 site visits
1st visit ever to the USC campus
1 run-in with Ben Affleck
3 weekends with my baby brother
4 evenings with a certain man
1 declaration of love to avoid answering a pointed question about my faults
3 seconds of laughing before forcing him to answer
2 hours at the Bodyworlds exhibit
10 weeks of fetus development displayed
1 cross section of an obese individual
300 pound body
4 full inches of fat under the surface
16 days experimenting with online dating
59 emails received on the first day
4 first dates
3 throwaways
1 worth making out with, despite not liking sports or meat
2 alumni events
5 Belgian beers sampled
3 glasses of Duchess de Bourgogne
1 new love affair begun
1 night bowling
1 frame bowled
0 "pinz" knocked down
1 imposter named "Bill" made an honorary alumnus
3 networking events
3 more avenues for job searches
2 concerts in the park with my parents
32 years of wedded bliss reached by them
6 wines sampled in celebration
12 Puerto Ricans tasting wine
1 very noisy room
100 dollars spent on wine
130 dollars spent on cheese
3 days of vacation enjoyed
28 points between LSU and Appalachian State
45 points between USC and Virginia
1 glorious Saturday spent glued to ESPN, hailing the beginning of the college football season

Throwing Heat

2008-08-27T23:00:00.000-07:00

I hate baseball. It's so fucking boring and goes on for-fucking-ever. But the other night, I was at a bar waiting for my date, and of course, all three televisions had baseball on.

But then one cut to the mug of one of Atlanta Braves. I have no idea who it was, but he was HOT.

A little bit of research on teh internets has turned up two probables: either Mike Gonzalez or Omar Infante. Omar looks a little bit like the hot Persian guy I romped with with a couple months ago. Mmm. But I think it was Mike.

So I'll watch baseball if the Braves are on. But that's it. I swear.

I Forgot to Tell You

2008-08-26T19:41:00.000-07:00

Up until last week, I thought I had already blogged about this. But then I realized I had been holding out on you for no reason. My apologies, but I don't even have an excuse.

Some time ago there was a competition that I wasn't aware of, but I won anyway. It was among the women in my department for who had best legs. They forced it on me as we were walking out of an event and I was innocently wearing a dress.

Well, not so innocently. It was moderately cleavage-bearing and I knew there would attractive gun-toting men in attendance. But I was working from the torso up. I wasn't even aware of my legs, lest they needed to be shaved.

In all honesty, I really was oblivious to how much woman yearn for skinny ankles. I would have written mine off as chicken legs if someone else hadn't pointed it out to me. Or, four someone elses.

I relayed the story to my dad, who then asked me if that was sexual harrassment. But since it was coming from women, it a) couldn't be harrassment, and b) had to be the truth since women are only known for viciously criticism of their peers.

I turned to my girlfriend Spanky for confirmation. He's fallen victim to my smile, but I still trust him to be straight with me. He confirmed I should wear the crown. I love having girlfriends with penises.

So when it came time to indulge in an online dating experiment, all I posted were a picture of my legs. Overnight, I had 50 messages.

Who knew???

In the Cut

2008-08-25T21:53:00.000-07:00

There is a reason that doctors do not operate on themselves. As our dear friend Dr. Freshblade will tell you: Anaesthesia is the half asleep watching the half awake being half murdered by the half witted.

If that doesn't scare the bejesus out of you, I don't know what will.

All this to say that I shouldn't have attempted hair surgery on myself last night. Because now I left certain parts too short and will have to wait for them to grow back out and/or fuse with nearby curls.

Luckily they are long enough still to tie back in a ponytail, where all manner of sins and mistakes can hide.

I've told you before, but it bears repeating: my life is hard.

Hey Jealousy

2008-08-21T00:09:00.000-07:00

Tonight I went to a concert. In the public square downtown. It was the Gin Blossoms.

With my parents. No, really.

It was also free.

And then at one point, my mom turned to me and said, "you have to blog about this! You're at a concert--with your parents!!"

My mom is the cutest thing. And actually, it was a lot of fun. The opening band Sugarwall was also quite entertaining. So much so that I went over to talk to their manager about booking them for a gig.

But before that, my mom had made a joke about smuggling some gin in a water bottle. And when my dad said the band sounded a little too country, she told him that there was no way. Because then they'd have to change their name to Whisky Flowers.

And that's when I got the joke about bringing gin to the show.

It only took me three hours and a hot chocolate. I'm just a bit slow.

Random Rooftop Encounters

2008-08-19T23:11:00.000-07:00

I love networking events. They're always in cool locations, filled with people who will help move my career along.

And, of course, there's free alcohol. Mmm.

But why is it you always meet the most colorful people at the end of the night? Just as I was walking out, I bumped into a woman who told me she was a professional man-watcher. I told her that's what I wanted to be when I grow up. She said to me, "honey, it's about NEVER growing up!"

And then I spent the next hour and a half chatting with her. We didn't leave until they had to break our table down. She was that awesome.

Then, as we were finally walking to our cars, she stopped me and said, "you have the best legs! I wish I had those legs. Girl, you have to STRUT those. Hike your skirt up!"

Then she proceeded to do the can-can.

This is my life. For reals.

Dear John Letters #10

2008-08-18T18:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Edwards,

L'sigh.

Again.

Overheard in the Family #20

2008-08-13T22:16:00.000-07:00

My brother is in trouble. Now that he knows about the blog, he knows that he's fair game.

Baby brother: You know what I realized today? I've been mixing up "sore" and "soar" for years now.

GPG: What?

BB: Soar and sore. I've been using them wrong.

GPG: Are you sure you want to admit that to me?

BB: Yeah.

GPG: You know I'm going to blog about this, right?

BB: *sighs* Yeah.

This, after we traded text messages all day calling each other retards. And then plotted how we're going to expose his kid to football this season. It's going to be awesome.

I love my baby brother.

Overheard at Barragan's

2008-08-12T22:09:00.000-07:00

I have a new employee. He's pretty cool. But he's still learning my sense of humor.

New Guy: So my brother moved his family down to Georgia.

GPG: Ooh. They're under attack from Russia right now. Not a good place to be.

NG: Oh, no I meant--

GPG: I'm kidding! I know what you meant.

He'll come around eventually. I hope.

Overheard in the Family #19

2008-08-11T19:16:00.000-07:00

I love my parents. Over dinner (that mom made):

GPG: Man, I used to be able to cook...there was once a time that I could bust out a gourmet meal.

Dad: Now you're useless in the kitchen.

GPG: Thanks dad. Now no one is going to want to marry me, right?

Dad: Pretty much.

GPG: Wow. Mean, much?

Dad: Nah, you can get married if you want.

GPG: Did you hear that, mom? Dad just gave me permission to get married. Should I ever want to.

Mom: That's so giving of him.

All Apologies

2008-08-08T12:01:00.000-07:00

While playing hooky from work (but still, somehow, working--I even hired someone) to tinker in the fantasy football world, and just because I'm too fucking tired to do anything else today, I realized that some of you have been trying to get a hold of me. And you may have thought I was ignoring you. Rest assured, that is NOT the case. I just don't use that private Gmail account some of you have. It's only for, you guessed it, fantasy football.

So if you've ever invited me to a party, or inquired as to who that other blog reader was, or just wanted to know if I survived an earthquake, THANKS! But so we don't get disconnected in the future, I do use the email account published for this very secret identity of mine: ghettophotogirl AT gmail DOT com.

Enjoy your weekend. Since my official vacation won't actually start on Monday like I had originally planned, I'm sure I'll be around with stories. I hear my brothers will be going to Sea World together this weekend. Maybe my baby brother will guest blog some Overheard in the Family for us...*hint*

And You Can See My House From There

2008-08-06T21:50:00.000-07:00

Here are a few tips I picked up during my workday today:

1. Do not walk around Universal Studios in three-inch wedges. Even if you get escorted in for free.

2. Do go on The Simpsons RIDE. It's cute, funny, and better than any of the other rides in the park.

That is all.

Steel & Pigskin

2008-08-04T20:58:00.000-07:00

It's no secret that I love my brothers. Very much. I also love men who carry guns. And one of the few perks of my job is occasionally getting to drool over the eye candy that is these gun-toting federal cops.

My dilemma? The Raiders are playing in San Diego on December 4th. It's the same night as one of the few events where said cops will be present. And also a school night.

I've never been to a professional football game. A fact my baby brother used to guilt me into coming down that night. He also called our other brother, the hard core Raiders fan, to convince him we're doing this.

L'sigh. I now have the 4th and 5th of December off. So that I can go down to watch football with my brothers. Instead of getting some necessary overtime, with men who know how to use guns.

You're so buying me dinner for this, little one!

July by the Numbers

2008-08-03T20:31:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid to blink again, lest it suddenly become 2009. I've been trying to make the most of each 24 hour day, but somehow they just run past me like sands through the hour glass. Isn't that the hokiest comparison I've ever made? I challenge you to find a better one somewhere in the archives.

3 nights in a row coming home in the wee hours
3 nights spent drinking too much
2 glasses of wine equals just enough
1 earthquake
5.8 on the Richter scale
1 inquiry from Kansas City
2 days scouring the internet for a 90s tune
3 days trying to get the damn song out of my head
12 months of life celebrated
8 bug bites sustained
0 bugs found
3 social networking sites
1 more person asking if I'm Persian
1 night spent with an actual Persian
2 nights with a certain man, who is not Persian
1 ex-pretend boyfriend singing from the stage
6 songs spent front and center
1 glass of wine stolen
1 shot of whiskey to make up for it
1 confession from Monsieur
20 years he claims he'll spend regretting it
1 red carpet party
100 dollars per ticket
8 dollars for the worst gin & tonic ever attempted
2 award winners at our table
3 weeks spent on a business plan
2 tortured presentations
1 almost completely approved proposal
1 more round to convince them fully
10 candidates interviewed
2 jobs to fill
1 Kobe beef steak ordered
2 bites before I gave up even pretending it was Kobe beef
50 business cards given out at a tradeshow
1 vendor I hired on the spot
2 UCLA alumni events attended
1 more extracurricular group on the agenda

Sigalerts for the Soul

2008-07-30T23:53:00.000-07:00

What causes traffic on what should otherwise be an empty freeway at 11 pm? I'll tell you what: asshats. And also, CalTrans.

The 405 freeway is one of the single most congested piece of road in all of Southern California. That's because it's the main artery on the entire westside of Los Angeles, and connects everyone to the Republican stronghold behind the Orange Curtain. This is also known as Irvine. Which houses an amphitheater at which I saw every single band that mattered between 1995 and 2002, except of course for STP. It's also where the 405 dies and merges back into the main interstate.

All that to say that in west LA, where the 10 and 405 make babies, there shouldn't be any fucking traffic in the middle of the goddamn night. Except that there was. Tonight. Because of construction. Which sucked. And that's the only reason I'm still up at midnight when I should be in bed because I have another late night tomorrow with a man I adore and another that is my ex-pretend boyfriend. Maybe one day, or night, when I'm not so irritated, I'll fill you in on what that means. Otherwise, you can meet me at the House of Blues tomorrow and all will be well.

As the World Shakes

2008-07-29T20:33:00.000-07:00

My boss and I were in the middle of a serious discussion about candidates we were considering hiring when all of a sudden it sounded like really fat people were walking on the floor above us. Then things started falling off the walls. That's when it was time to get in the doorway.

Earthquakes are always fun. My flawed philosophy is that each little one staves off the "big one" that much longer. They release the tension and keep it from building up and turning California into an island.

It was really funny watching the people who had never experienced one get that panic-stricken look trying to figure out what to do. Us natives forget that they didn't grow up learning to get under their desks in those drills at school.

It was rad that it happened just before lunch. Even radder that my catered luncheon showed up right on time as if nothing had happened. I just wish someone else could have cleaned up my office for me. Damn earthquake, messing up my feng shui!

On the Tip of My Brain

2008-07-28T21:41:00.000-07:00

At the gym the other day I half-heard a song over the whirring of the treadmills that I remembered liking when it was a hit. It's a 90s song and the band sounds like something between Big Audio Dynamite and SR-71, or between The Toadies and Tripping Daisy. With a nasally kind of lead singer...I spent a good amount of time going through the KROQ 90s list and listening to a bunch of songs on iTunes, but I gots nothing.

The one line I remember clearly is "I can't live without her." That's it. I know for damn sure it's not Beer by Reel Big Fish, though that's what Google wants me to believe.

It's really upbeat. I thought the line before it was "she don't think she needs me," but Google doesn't like that either. So help a girl out. Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

Overheard in the Family #18

2008-07-27T21:36:00.000-07:00

This weekend was my nephew's first birthday party. The little cousins ranging in ages from 7 months to 9 years gathered to celebrate. My pregnant cousin's four year old angel of a son had this to say to the daddy of the birthday boy (retold to me later):

Angel: So when are you going to give him a sister?

Baby Brother: Um, not for a long time.

Angel: I'm going to have one soon. When she gets here I can sell her to you. I'm not going to want her around. All she's going to do is cry.

I fell over laughing when I heard this. He's four year's old! And already trying to get rid of his unborn sibling. Wow.

Two Things #5

2008-07-24T23:15:00.000-07:00

1. Something is eating me alive. First this, and then today, little vampire bites on my chest. I'm in the middle of a meeting with our CFO when I realize that I have itchies and it's from two pricks on my chest. I got home and realized there are four more on the bottom of my left foot. For fuck's sake!

2. I finally joined Facebook. And I hate myself. It's my alumni association's fault. They're using this to keep everyone in touch. Why they can't use the website they created expressly for that purpose is beyond me. Can't we all be adults and stick to Linked In instead?

Cultural Identity Crisis

2008-07-23T20:58:00.000-07:00

Last week, a guy who will remain nameless because he probably made a racist joke he'd rather you not know about, and I had a drink together. Or, I had 4 and he had...I don't know how many. Then I had sex with a Persian. Who, to be fair, bought me tequila.

Today, I interviewed a girl who asked told me I looked really familiar. She asked me if I had a sister named something I can't remember...I asked her if this girl was Persian. The answer was yes.

I have a profile floating around the internets where the last question is "You'd never guess..." Which I answered "not Persian."

I love me some Persians. Seriously, see the first paragraph. But for the record, I is not one. Thank you for playing.

Overheard at Geisha House

2008-07-22T22:26:00.000-07:00

Remember this game? You gotta be a bit careful when you play it in the presence of gorgeous men.

GPG: Ooh. *gestures over towards the manager* That guy's on my team.

A Certain Man: Huh?

GPG: It's a game we play. Whenever you see a hot guy, you claim him to your team before your friends do.

ACM: Am I on your team?

GPG: Sweetheart, you're my team captain!

No matter how old or hot they are, they all need their egos stroked.

Overheard in the Family #17

2008-07-21T19:26:00.000-07:00

My mom is a do-gooder. I'm considering dating running again.

GPG: A certain man wants us to run a half-marathon together in October. I think it's a little soon for that.

Dad: He needs your legs to run his marathon?

Mom: I want to do the walk for Alzheimer's.

Dad: You want to walk with the Old Timers?

Mom: I think it's a cause I could get behind.

Dad: If you're going to run with a bunch of Old Timers, you need to put them on a string.

Mom: Your father will be the head Old Timer.

Dad: Depending on their ages, I might have to bring up the rear.

They're nuts, I tell you!

The Circus Comes Back Around

2008-07-20T19:42:00.000-07:00

Working in the center of downtown Los Angeles means that on any given day, a rally at City Hall or a film crew in the middle of the street can impact business. We get notices on a weekly basis for street closures or other activities that might affect our commute.

Sometimes these are worthy causes and/or fun events. Like a marathon to raise money for charity or a Madonna concert at Staples Center. But sometimes, they're bullshit. Like the media advisory that came last week:

Spears v. Federline Hearing Continued

(BD455662)

Tomorrow’s Spears v. Federline status conference is continued to 8:30 a.m. Friday, July 18, Stanley Mosk Courthouse, 111 N. Hill St. Los Angeles 90012.

# #

This was pretty much a press release to the papparazi. We got a hold of it because our people deal with the courts and they might want to know about the insanity taking place there. Brilliant, don't you think?

Inspiration Found

2008-07-17T23:56:00.000-07:00

Last night I was atttended a charity fundraiser. The kind with a red carpet and black ties. These types of events in the middle of the week always strike me as funny. Don't normal people have to work? I certainly do.

But I found myself sitting next to a husband-wife team of photographers. So successful in their endeavors that they were honored with an award during the ceremony. Yet, they were the most unassuming, down to earth people you can imagine.

We chatted about our work and I lamented the fact that my personal albatross was the current 44 women. And that it had been three full years since I started it. The wife told me that these things can last 10 years, but the important part was in the process. And that once it was done, she had a friend with a gallery where I should hold my show.

They were truly the awesomest people I met all night.

She's inspired to shoot again. It's always great when you can talk shop with people who get it. And she was no amateur. Her credentials include the Los Angeles Times and Washington Post. So for her to take an interest in little ol' me was like a dream come true.

Who knows, you might get another photo blog out of me just yet!

Being Eaten Alive

2008-07-15T22:16:00.000-07:00

I woke up with 7 bug bites all over my body. This is clearly a sign of the impending apocalypse.

At least none of them were on my face. Dating and the red carpet fundraiser I have to go to this week would be doubly difficult.

Fucking vampire bugs.

Legal Tethers

2008-07-14T21:37:00.000-07:00

On July 1st, the law in California changed. Upon penalty of death and/or imprisonment in the black hole of Gitmo, you can no longer talk with a phone to your head while driving. You CAN dial and/or text with the phone in your hand while driving, thereby taking your eyes off the road, but you CANNOT watch the road and have the phone to your head at the same time.

Lawyers write these things...

I have a bluetooth headset. It sucks. So I went looking for a corded solution.

The first place I went to was Radio Shack. The sales guy was clearly enjoying the benefits of required sales, and his eyes lit up when I said I needed an earpiece for my Blackberry. Because now he could upsell me on all sorts of gadgets, I'm sure. Imagine his disappointment when I told him I already had one. He then turned sullen--like a child, with a pout and all--and told me they were sold out of the others. Then he stopped talking to me and stomped away.

I kid you not. He threw a tantrum because I didn't want a wireless earpiece. It was amazing.

The Lights Are On...?

2008-07-13T20:39:00.000-07:00

I was most disgusted with the human public today. Because the human public is STUPID. Case in point:

I hurt my back. Again. I decided it best to swim a few laps at my gym. The problem was that I didn't know if there were any aqua classes or lazing hordes of old people to avoid. So I called.

The girl on the phone just could not tell me when the busiest/slowest pool times were. I had to ask her three different ways. I even made a comparison to the other gym I used to go to on the westside, telling her that the old people would gather in the mornings, but by mid-afternoon I could usually get a decent, unobstructed swim up and down a lane. She told me all about the depth of the pool, the number of lanes, how there was a jaccuzi, and how they didn't have any water classes, but if I wanted one, I should contact such-and-such and tell them.

Finally, she said she had to get a fitness instructor because she didn't check the pool, despite the fact that it has a glass wall that she looked through to tell me that there were currently people swimming. I waited about 30 seconds before considering hanging up, then the instructor got on. She sounded equally as bright as the first girl.

When I asked her what the peak time for pool activity was, she answered with "what do you mean?" My bad for using words that are too big for her little brain. I was finally able to get that 11-3 were the slowest times over the weekend. That only took about 6 minutes of my morning.

I tried again as I was leaving the gym, hoping it was a different girl at the front than the one who answered the phone. No such luck. She tried to get me to contact the same such-and-such to get classes added. I kept repeating that I didn't want classes, I wanted to just be able to swim whenever the gym was open. She finally got that through her little head, but not before she'd written the email address down for me. And she was clearly disappointed.

Kids, this is what happens if you don't go to college.

Too Fast for a U-turn

2008-07-10T22:06:00.000-07:00

Time is speeding up. I kid you not. We've discussed how it's already July and that should really be illegal. When did we blink and make June disappear? It's like a bad episode of I Dream of Jeannie. Which, for the uninitiated, was about astronauts and genies.

Also, it's already Thursday. I didn't ask for it to already be THURSDAY. Just yesterday it was Monday and I had the whole week to figure out my next move. Now it's Thursday and deadlines are looming and I just don't know.

I hate this new fast time mode. When can we slow it down again?

Overheard in the Golden Mall

2008-07-08T20:06:00.000-07:00

The Krazy Mommy, as the Queen of Suburban Agrestic, is also a member of a country club. Apparently the women there pay handsomely for their accessories.

KM: All the women there have fake boobs. And some are soooooooooooo badly done.

GPG: Well, if you're going to pay for it, might as well get your money's worth! Go big!!

KM: It looks so bad. And you want to be walking around looking like that? Clearly fake?

GPG: Unless you're a porn star. Are they making porn out there in Agrestic?

KM: Ugh. I don't care if a woman has fake tits, but at least make them look real!

And then a man walking by said, "I agree." Random, and yet funny all the same.

Overheard in the Family #16

2008-07-06T20:00:00.000-07:00

The long weekend is slowly coming to an end. Too bad. But at least my dad made this observation:

Dad: I saw this woman who was dressed like a teenager. She had on a tight shirt that showed her stomach and then a mini skirt. She was too old for that. And she had two kids with her.

GPG: Was she trying to recapture her youth?

Dad: And then I saw her husband pushing a stoller with yet another kid in it. And he had a mohawk! 45 years old, when is he going to grow up? What he hell? Did the world end and they made all new people?

Oh my dad. The traditionalist. But seriously, would you take your father seriously if he had a mohawk?

I'm a Giver

2008-07-03T06:34:00.000-07:00

It's Thursday, and my first day of vacation, so why am I up at 6:30? The entire purpose of vacations are to sleep in late and ignore the real world. I got good and drunk last night so that would guarantee a late morning in bed. But then I decided I wanted to go to the gym at 8:30 and fouled up my entire plan.

I'm really my own worst enemy.

With all this extra free time, I decided to go through my Linked In contacts to help a friend get a job in SF. But as soon as I fired up the internets, lo and behold, broken testicle stories! And since we hate the baseball here at Exxy HQ, what better way to start the morning than sharing it with all of you?

Enjoy!

Worker Bee Horror Stories

2008-07-01T21:32:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I had a small luncheon at one of my usual hotels. Only about 100 people. I was there the day before for a meeting, after which I decided to chat with the catering director about what yummies we were serving at the event.

Except there was no meal, no menu, no info whatsoever. Because the event wasn't on their calendar.

Cue a freakout.

This had never happened to me. Usually my contracts are in order months ahead of time. This was just crazy fluke that was mercifully resolved within 5 simple minutes. I never even really got to panic because the catering director's first reaction was "not a problem."

Thank god there wasn't some event that sold all of the hotel space that week. Then I would have been seriously fucked.

And not in a good way.

Hopefully that never happens again.

June by the Numbers

2008-07-01T07:56:00.000-07:00

It's July. Time just keeps passing me by. It's quite freaky. I didn't realize the kids are already out of school. Hey, does anyone remember what a summer vacation is like?

6 inches chopped off during hair surgery
10 days spent enjoying the fabulousness of short hair
2 weekends with my baby brother
27 years of age celebrated
5 pictures snapped of us girls on the red carpet
2.5 hours noshing from the sushi and chocolate stations
1 evening with visiting English solicitors
2 hours of jokes about American politicians
2 days spent at the LA Convention Center
3 hours before my feet started hurting on the first day
10 more spent on my feet
420 dinner guests
3 feds
45 minutes spent playfully locking horns with one
1 lesson on drinking whiskey
50 paperclips collected before abandoning the paperclip jump rope idea
2 employees quit
10 weeks left to hire their replacements
94 minutes spent as a fugitive in San Diego County
168 dollars in bail
2 hours of Scott Weiland looking like a chemo patient
69 rows from the stage
2 semi prophetic dreams
1 phone call from a certain man, confirming he'll be here in just a few days
113 minutes wasted on the disastrously flawed Bloodline documentary
110 minutes enjoying the adorably funny Get Smart
116 minutes with Black Snake Moan in the background
1 job found in Geneva
1 year to relearn French...and Spanish

Overheard over Thai

2008-06-29T20:11:00.000-07:00

I have a client who is friends with a former president. I shared this story with the girls while we were having dinner together the other night.

I also happened to be wearing a blue dress at the time. That I apparently spilled something on.

GPG: Does this look like a white spot to you? I can't tell in this light.

Krazy Mommy: Now she thinks she's Monica Lewinsky, all because she has a connection to Bill Clinton.

La Ria just laughed. KM is so funny.

All Work and No Play

2008-06-26T21:26:00.000-07:00

I had an all day event followed by an all night event today. I've been on my feet for nearly 14 hours. It's awesome.

What's also great is how my subconscious decided to remind me what all was going on in the city tonight. I had a dream that we were at the hotel for tonight's event with a bunch of young guys hanging around wearing college basketball jerseys. And that's when I remembered that the NBA Draft was today!! Who needs a blackberry when you get your reminders in your sleep?

As I drove past Staples Center, there was a huge party gathering, hosted by the Clipper Nation. I got my invite several weeks ago, but already knew I was otherwise committed. I sadly looked the other way and made my way from event #1 to event #2. Fuck, it was a long day.

And Kevin Love went to Memphis? Ironic, don'tcha think? I do have to give Chicago credit for snagging Derrick Rose. That kid is unstoppable. As Love will tell you.

The Death of Funny

2008-06-23T19:36:00.000-07:00

Who had George Carlin in the celebrity death pool? I certainly didn't.

It fucking sucks that he's dead. "Fuck" being one of the seven words he turned into legal history. You can read the rest here.

My favorite one of his jokes was about praying to the Empire State Building. I heard him do it on one of the late night shows, and how your prayers are just as likely to be answered by the ESB than by God. Who maybe we should now refer to as ESB because that's equally funny and offensive.

R.I.P Mr. Carlin.

Russert and Carlin in the same week. Who's next?

Drowning in Male Musk

2008-06-22T21:05:00.000-07:00

I despise scented body products. I don't want to smell like fruit or flowers, I just want to smell clean. So I go out of my way to buy unscented deodorant, body wash and lotion--or they're at least as unfragrant as possible.

But I ran out of my standard Olay Quench, so I tapped into a couple products I received for my birthday. Obviously they were from people that don't know me very well, otherwise why the hell would you give me stuff that smells like a goddamn flower garden?

Anyway, I didn't have much of a choice today. I opted for the Japanese Cherry Blossom lotion. It comes in a pretty red tube, at least.

Guess what? It doesn't smell like cherries or flowers. It smells like aftershave. For men. A cheap one at that.

I smella like a man. (Whoever can guess which Mad TV character I'm trying to channel here wins a million bucks. Not really.)

This is more irritating than that sour guava/grapefruit combo softsoap has.

It's gross.

Overheard in the Family #15

2008-06-18T20:27:00.000-07:00

My baby brother has apparently been reading my blog lately. He emailed me today to say it's hilarious. Yay, I made him laugh simply recounting conversations we've had! So I decided to feature him and the Shambot some more. This one is especially offensive, but we laughed so hard, I can't not share. Also, I've never worried about offending anyone on here, so why start now?

We had the baby brother's birthday dinner at a nice restaurant on Coronado Island. The weather was lovely and the food at was quite delicious.

Instead of family-style dining, we usually all order something different and take liberties eating off each other's plates. It's the best way to go. I was torn between bacon-wrapped shrimp and bacon-wrapped filet mignon, but my brother went for the steak so I opted for the shellfish.

Of course, we never let the opportunity to make religious jokes in truly poor taste slide. Which is why this happened:

Baby Brother: Babe, you want some of my steak? Or is Allah going to be mad?

Shambot: Yeah, give me some. I think He'll be more mad at me because of the whole out-of-wedlock baby thing.

GPG: Do you have to fly yourself into a building now?

Even my parents laughed. We are all going to hell!

Go Boston!

2008-06-17T22:20:00.000-07:00

And now, we wait a long time for football to start. L'sigh.

I've got to get into soccer...

Overheard in the Family #14

2008-06-15T20:01:00.000-07:00

My baby brother's birthday and first father's day was this weekend. In order to maximize the partying, I took the train down on Friday night. No traffic, no misery, just a great view of the ocean for most of the way down.

Usually, the Shambot and I gang up on the poor guy. But since it was his weekend, we ganged up on the Shambot instead. Because she can take it as hard as she dishes it out, this is usually a lot of fun.

Except when they ganged up on me. I got carded at the tequila bar. My baby brother did not.

Shambot: Take it as a compliment.

Baby brother: Yeah, you're old. But at least you don't look it.

GPG: I'm not old.

BB: Dude, you're THIRTY.

GPG: You guys keep thinking that's an insult, but it's not.

BB: THIRTY!

GPG: It's an accomplishment. You don't know what I did in my twenties. I'm lucky to have made it this far.

Shambot: You were a whore, weren't you?

GPG: Hey, at least I didn't get pregnant!

That pretty much shut the Shambot up. But we all knew it was just fun and games. Because Baby Aladdin is totally awesome.

Then we went home and played Grand Theft Auto IV. I forgot how much fun shooting people in the face can be!

Pulling Back the Curtain

2008-06-10T20:25:00.000-07:00

I met one of my readers last night, Dan of a blog I can't link to because you wouldn't be able to read it. But that's okay.

Dan's assessment of me, if I understand correctly, is that I come off a lot sassier and with an edge here at Exxy HQ that I don't necessarily display in public. He did actually say that I'm a lot friendlier in person than in print.

I found that interesting. My explanation is that I use this as my forum to vent almost completely uncensored and my inner thoughts, when woven into what I hope is more entertaining than plain garbage thrown out on the internets, come out a bit more bitingly than what I might vocalize in person.

So lets take a poll:
- For those of you who know me, am I indeed what Dan proclaims: nicer in person?
- For those of you who only know my online persona: what do you imagine me to be like in person?

I'm really curious about what y'all have to say about this...

The Height of Contentment

2008-06-08T21:51:00.000-07:00

Talk about a successful weekend. In list form:

1. Enjoyed a hot stone massage
2. Cat napped, both days
3. Vamped on the red carpet
4. Ignored the ex-boyfriend's attempts to use his son as a reconcilation point
5. Told a queen to quit his bitchiness
6. Got him to take our picture
7. Chinese food, yum
8. Read an entire book
9. Ignored the Lakers
10. Ignored the Dodgers
11. Guacamole, yum
12. Carne asada, yum
13. Ignored the gym
14. Rum-soaked chocolate, yum
15. Was not mistaken for Persian again
16. Bought three new dresses
17. Red wine, yum
18. Posted 3 new galleries to my website

But mostly I laid around my house and did not a fucking thing. That was the best.

And now, to start the week...

Hurting from Head to Toe

2008-06-05T21:50:00.000-07:00

My brain aches. I spent last night drinking cocktails while the feds looked on. One showed me his gun. Have I mentioned how much I love me some cops?

And by gun, I mean his .40-caliber Glock, not whatever he's packing inside his pants. But maybe we'll get to that.

4 cocktails + 3 hours in 3-inch heels = hurty feet. And a slight hangover. I followed that up with a day at the tradeshow. In 3-inch wedges.

Have I mentioned I'm retarded? At least I didn't drink today. The one wine vendor had his permit pulled. So he couldn't serve me alcohol, no matter how badly he wanted to.

Tomorrow there's the rooftop party. More cocktails!

But maybe I'll just show up in flats.

I Hate Myspace

2008-06-02T22:04:00.000-07:00

And yet I've spent the last 30 minutes updating pictures, responding to comments, leaving some for people with birthdays.

Before this, I hadn't signed in for a good 3 weeks...and back then it was only to see who was leaving me birthday comments. And also for pics of Baby Aladdin.

Ugh. Who am I?

May by the Numbers

2008-06-01T21:22:00.000-07:00

I love May. Not just because of my birthday, but there's also a sense of giddy anticipation floating in the air. Spring is here, summer is just around the corner, and it always feels like I'm getting into my groove again. It's a great time of the year.

3 weekends with the adorable Baby Aladdin
2 events with the adorable feds
4 birthdays celebrated
134 combined years reached
1 new promotion to work towards
1 horrible dream about messing up my presentation
20 minutes before technical difficulties did actually screw it up
5 mortifying minutes trying to get tech support to fix it
20 very understanding attendees
4 personnel changes
3 days planning for contingencies
1 very exhausting round of chess
1 round of completely surprising text flirting
32 years of scotch promised for the next date
3 hours networking
40 mostly socially inept individuals
1 excitable criminal defense attorney
9 months of planning culminating into one afternoon
1 bomb-sniffing dog in attendance
22 cowboys in attendance
2 cowgirls
370 other guests
1 forced karaoke experience
1 duet with the Shambot
4 songs done by my parents
1 entertaining family battle of the singers

Road Wars

2008-05-27T22:10:00.001-07:00

Complaining about the price of gas is as effective as voting for Ralph Nader. And when I decided to use my mother's V6 sedan while my parents are on vacation, I knew I'd take a slight hit on the gas end.

Holy shit. $71 for regular unleaded. And I should have used the premium stuff, but with prices being what they are? Hell no. Two weeks ago, it cost me $50 for my own car, and that's a tiny little four-cylinder...this one has a bigger tank and gas is up 13 cents since then.

I was so furious.

You know what else costs $70? Two weeks worth of groceries for my house--and that's including the new jacked up prices and all my special gluten-free crap. $50 buys you a full sushi dinner for two at Sushi Dan's--replete with celebrity sightings. I can get two pairs of shoes for $70. The other day I bought seven dresses for that much. My phone bill is even less than that. The only thing that rivals it is my cable bill...but only by a couple bucks.

Food, clothing, entertainment, and communication. All of it amounting to less than a goddamn tank of gas. That will last me a week--if I'm lucky. Too bad there aren't any real alternate transportation options.

Somehow that just doesn't equal out. How long before there's a revolt? Oh right, we have an election in November. How much worse can it get in the next 5 months?

Kitchen Wars

2008-05-26T21:16:00.000-07:00

I don't cook a lot. I'm not bad at it. I've been known to throw a good dish or two together. Mostly I don't have the time, or I don't want to make the time, or any of the above. But today there was fixins in the house, so I figured what the hell.

I can never just make a typical dish. I always have to make it unique, or add a layer of difficulty just for shits and giggles. Like my quacamole with peaches. Sounds weird, right? Till you try it. Everyone loves it.

I've also never made risotto, but I like it lots. And following my usual stubbornness, I opted to use black rice. Which takes notoriously forever to cook. The instructions say about 30 minutes. Normal risotto should take about 20.

2 hours later, my rice was still kinda crunchy. WTF?

This was annoying on many levels. It's edible, and even kind of yummy, but for the love of sanity that took too damn long!

And now I'm too tired to eat.

Got Sauce?

2008-05-24T00:06:00.001-07:00

Mildly weird and/or annoying occurances:

1. I'm going to see STP at the Hollywood Bowl. The Bowl has always seemed like a venue for higher cultural events, not pop music. Forget that it's where I was first exposed to The Rocky Horror Picture Show. But now I get to see the one 90s band I regret not having being able to see when Weiland was still a functioning and entertaining drug addict. The band that my friend and I sat OUTSIDE the Greek Theatre for in 1995, while a drunk guy named Ron hit on us and then threw up next to our blanket. To the tune of Interstate Love Song.

It's a night that lives in infamy in our 1996 high school yearbook. Along with a reference to how I busted my tennis racket in 1992. But that's a story for another time.

2. G. Love, another notch missing from the musical bedpost, is coming to said Greek in September. I love the Greek. It's nestled in the Griffith Park hills and you get to park on top of one another on a huge grass field. It's all part of the experience. That's where the Krazy Mommy and I got to see INXS just four months before Michael Hutchence died. Rodeo Clowns was my first taste of Jack Johnson. He's dreamy. And touring Europe with G. But he won't be coming to LA. Oh no. We get not the Jack, but instead we get the dirty Black Crowes. I'm less than thrilled.

Why G, why???

The Idol-Free Life

2008-05-21T22:30:00.000-07:00

There's always something going on in this tiny city of ours. Tonight it was the American Idol finale at the Nokia Theatre vs. the Spurs/Lakers game at Staples Center across the street. Who wants to bet that traffic getting out of downtown was about 800% worse than normal?

Thank god I left at 2 pm.

I was invited to the finale taping. But turned it down for four simple reasons:

1. I hate American Idol.
2. Dentist appointment at 3 pm.
3. Dinner with my parents before they leave for their Puerto Rican vacation tomorrow.
4. Did I mention I hate American Idol?

My girlfriends subjected me to their chatter about it for weeks. Krazy Mommy will send me emails with nothing but AIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAI!!! in them just to annoy me. I even got roped into sending a good luck message to one of the earlier contestants (friend of a friend, hence tonight's invite).

I spent my night drinking wine and watching the Spurs give up with just over two minutes left in the game. It's the playoffs. Even though San Antonio lost, I was still better off.

AI is for retards. Basketball is for the rest of us.

Oh, and to the idiotic morning DJ that called them the Indiana Spurs: you clearly watch too much AI. Retard.

Eight Years Later

2008-05-19T22:11:00.000-07:00

She saw the missed calls on her cell phone and she cursed him for not learning the new number. 2 calls, four hours apart, one message.

"Hey sweetie. Hopefully you get this before the end of the day. If not, maybe we'll catch up sometime during the week."

It was 7:30 am the next morning when she heard it. 10:30 on the east coast. He'd be at work. Wouldn't answer his cell.

"Hey sweetheart. You have to stop calling that other number. I just got your message. Sounds intriguing...let me know what's going on."

At 5 pm her time, he let her in on the news. He was moving back to the town they'd made their playground for 3 years.

2 years ago they'd met up in Dallas, both on business trips. That was the weekend they'd decided they were both adults. And felt good about it.

Now he's coming back. All grown up. Everything has changed. They really are adults with real jobs. No more rock shows, no more whoring for the camera.

But their friendship still runs deep. Nothing can change that.

Overheard in the Family #13

2008-05-18T10:53:00.000-07:00

To fully understand the following conversation, I should give you some family background you probably can't glean from the many, many la familia posts:

1. My mother and father are 19 years apart.
2. The cousins on my father's side are all about the same age as my mother.
3. No, it's not creepy and if you dare say so, I'll cut you.
4. My family is kooky, but that you probably already did know.

May is also full of family birthdays: mom, Auntie J, my nephew, me, Cousin R (who is also Auntie's son). It's a huge hit to the wallet. Because Mother's Day is thrown in there too. Much fun.

So at my nephew's 5th birthday party yesterday, we were talking about how we're celebrating Cousin R's 50th today. I had this conversation with his daughter Juju Bee (who is 9):

GPG: Your dad's 50! Isn't that old?
Juju Bee: No, 50 isn't old. You're not old till you reach 63.
GPG: 63? That's the new old?
JJB: Yeah, that's what it said in my health book. Oh wait, actually it's 65. Yeah, you're not old till you're 65.

I choked on water when she very matter-of-factly stated it was 63/65. It was too cute.

Blame those Damn Commercials

2008-05-14T22:42:00.000-07:00

"Hello, I'm a Mac. And I'm a PC."

I might be crossing over. Computer issues are driving me insane, and the longer I deal with Vista, the worse it gets.

Vista is seriously awful. Give me back my XP.

So...I'm considering getting a Mac. I hate Mac Sympathizers, they're just so damn self-righteous...and it might also make me partially white. But I already own an iPod. Would a MacBook be that much more of a stretch?

I have to decide kind of immediately though. Because I need to upgrade to CS3, which the college kids get an 80% discount on, but that means committing to one platform over the other.

Decisions, decisions. My life is hard.

God Loves Aliens

2008-05-13T21:11:00.000-07:00

Do you believe in E.T.? The Vatican says it's okay to do so.

Read more here.

Those crazy Catholics. You gotta love them.

Mercy, Mercy Me

2008-05-12T22:11:00.000-07:00

1. Earthquakes in China.
2. Cyclones in Myanamar.
3. Tornadoes in the Plains.
4. Wildfires in Florida.

Does anyone else have the feeling that the planet is in full retaliation mode? Earth so hates us right now.

What's going on, indeed.

T-1 Day

2008-05-09T09:10:00.000-07:00

And so here we are, at the very tail end of my 20s. Tomorrow morning I'll wake up and be 30. What a way to end the week.

And a decade. It started with me in all my youthful naiveté running around UCLA, surrounding myself with boys in bands, stealing their souls. I graduated from college and that scene, but I still own their souls. And at least one of them still has my heart.

Then came real life and the urban tribe. The background players came and went, but the core group has stayed the same. We have each other to celebrate the accomplishments, support when life deals out lemons, or just to share a drink at the end of the day. We've moved across state lines and time zones, but we've never been closer.

There have been laughs and heartbreaks. Nights that flew by, when we had so much fun it was hard to believe life could get any better than that. And days that stood still, when we prayed it wouldn't get any worse. Pleasure and pain in equal measure. I've learned humility and I've earned my pride, taken my lessons and hopefully imparted a few where I could. The last 10 years of my life have been the absolute greatest rollercoaster ride.

I lived the life I wanted, just hard enough and just fast enough, yet still came out pretty much unscathed. The memories of these 10 years make me smile, even the cringe-inducing ones. Because now I can laugh at them; it was all worth it. It's got me to where I am now.

My 20s were fantastic.

Thanks for playing along. Catch y'all on the flip-side.

T-5 Days

2008-05-05T21:56:00.000-07:00

The Official Birthday Countdown started way long ago. And as we enter the home stretch here, there is suddenly a juggling contest going on.

Whoever sang that raining men song had it right. Just last month I was pleasantly single, making out with random guys at parties. Fast forward a few weeks and suddenly I've got suitors. THREE of them. What the...? It's like I won the Man Lottery.

I am NOT complaining. Just trying to figure out how I got so lucky and so suddenly. Did I mention I get to see my sexy fed on Thursday? Woo wee. He's just eye candy. But still.

It's going to be a really good week.

Speaking of which, I have one, possibly two, dates tomorrow night. One will definitely be lowering my already weak inhibitions with that good scotch I love...the other might be the one I make out with at sunset. Who knows?

The only other question is, what do I wear?

Photoblogging Monday 5.5.08

2008-05-05T07:32:00.000-07:00

I'm up much earlier than necessary today, so you get this little treat, taken with an iPhone:

That's an actual set of letters I had while playing Scrabble with my dad and baby brother. I was waaaaaaaaaaaaaay ahead of the game till my dad put down a word to give him a 60-point jump. Argh.

We like our Scrabble. We're nerds. Word nerds. But you knew that already.

April by the Numbers

2008-05-01T06:25:00.000-07:00

Is April the shortest month of the year? Remember when we were kids and days lasted forever? Now suddenly turning 30 is a mere 9 days away.

But it was a month well spent:

2 whole weekends with my baby brother
1 horribly unexpected UCLA loss
1 tornado in Memphis because even God wanted UCLA to win too
5 games until Phoenix gave it up, dammit
5 various other playoff games watched
4 horse races watched
0 bets placed
5 guys hitting on 3 girls
3 Blues Travelers harmonica solos before I recognized a song
5 hours of a Christian Film Festival
2 appearances by Pat Boone in a white suit
1 unexpected appearance by a certain man
4 nominations bestowed on our filmmaker friend
0 awards won for his efforts
350 dollars paid in taxes
250 supposedly returned
2 happy hours with my favorite Spanky
1 exquisite shot of Don Julio 1942
1 interesting evening under the red lights of Bordello
2 instances of wheat ingestion that seemed harmless
3 days before I realized it actually wasn't
3 games bowled with a Republican
2 broken nails
1 unhappy back
2 old flames possibly reignited
1 new one to consider
5 frustrating days creating an e-marketing piece
7 failed attempts to upload it to the server
13,200 people who finally received it last night
2 wine bars
1 failed to deliver without cigarette smoke
111 minutes enjoying funnies and penis in Saving Sarah Marshall
150 minutes enjoying greeness in Wicked The Musical
13 days dreading my inevitable birthday
16 days spent getting over it
9 days left before it finally happens

Hey, That's My Bike II

2008-04-29T23:38:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we don't solve problems. We talk over the ones I create for myself. Here's what happened when I tried to use a discount code for tickets to Wicked.

GPG: Oh dammit! Dude, I just spent over $200 on the tickets.

La Ria: Uh oh.

GPG: I so didn't mean to do that! I was trying to check my points balance and then all of a sudden it said congratulations. And you can't return them! I hate Ticketmaster.

La Ria: Can you sell them?

GPG: No, because the genius that I am, I opted for Will Call. So I'd have to show up on the night of and become a scalper. Oh Christ.

La Ria: That's too much hassle. We might as well just use them.

GPG: Oh my god I'm so retarded!

La Ria: Well, where are the seats?

GPG: Oh, that's actually some good news! We're right smack in the middle. Which isn't bad for $100...Still, I'm so pissed I hit the wrong button!

Then we got there tonight and found out they'd upgraded us to the second row. All in all, a pretty damn good screw up.

Overheard in the Family #12

2008-04-28T06:36:00.000-07:00

The other day the G-brat's class took a field trip. Since the school district doesn't bus kids to school, she'd never ridden one. So I asked her about it:

G-brat: And we had to sit and wait outside for the bus to come.

GPG: What did it look like?

G-brat: It was big and yellow.

GPG: Was it short?

G-brat: No, it was long.

GPG: Are you sure?

G-brat: Yes, GPG! It was long!

Don't argue with a 6 year old.

My father and her father overheard this conversation and both busted out laughing. We mock because we love.

Random Hypothetical #5

2008-04-24T21:31:00.000-07:00

If your ex, who you had completely written off as a lost cause, suddenly starts calling again but refuses to leave messages, what do you do?

Why the hell would said ex bother???

I imagine situations like this would leave one feeling batty. I personally hate that little red Missed Call icon that isn't complimented by an orange Voicemail icon.

So should you ever call me, in reality and not hypotheticals, leave a damn message. That's all I ask.

Just Another Random Wednesday

2008-04-23T20:23:00.000-07:00

Having things to look forward to is what makes the world go 'round. It's like I was telling La Ria this morning over our morning cup of email banter: I'm all perked up now that I'm not just staring down the barrel of 5 days of nothing but work. First of all, I've already crossed two off and tonight I get to drink!

And so I did. Thank god for bourbon, that's all I've got to say.

But also, there is travel back to 1995 with Blues Traveler on Friday and EVEN BETTER: my baby brother will be here this weekend!!!

And I was able to watch part of the Celtics game over the bar.

So here I am, stuffed full of Kentucky's finest, wondering if my girl Lex will be her for my birthday in 3 weeks and really just babbling. I should try to put something cohesive together, like date tips for girls concerning an unexpected phone call from an ex...or how I ran into a magical Swede on the internet recently. Also unexpected.

But isn't my nicely lubricated babbling so much better for you? Something keeps bringing you back. I don't know what it is...boobies?

Must Be The Playoffs

2008-04-22T07:56:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again. I don't know if you have this stupid trend in your city, but right about now, all the fair weather Lakers fans have annoying purple and yellow flags flying from their car windows. I also don't know why I hate them so much, but every time I see one I want to smack the owner.

The LA Downtown News apparently doesn't think that much of them either.

Go Denver...

Recipe for a Nasty Headache

2008-04-20T21:09:00.000-07:00

I can't shake this damn brain pain. If you want one too, try this:

1. Have a really late night with the girls. Include wine. The red kind.
2. Wake up waaaaaaaaaaaaay too early.
3. Force yourself to the gym upon finally waking.
4. Work out for 45 minutes. Don't drink enough water.
5. Nearly pass out while stretching.
6. Shower, eat a rice cracker, take a nap.
7. Become awakened waaaaaaaaaaaaay too soon by cute little people.
8. Go to library for research. Read small print under bright lights.
9. Eat dinner. Drink more wine. The sweet white kind.
10. Lay in bed the rest of the evening, beset with a dull ache behind your eyes.

I'm guessing I'm dehydrated.

In other news, I need a new template for this here blog. Because I'm bored. It's been over 2 years, so it's time for a rehaul. But everything I'm finding is very juvenile. Can anyone recommend a halfway decent place for templates?

Looking for one is just making my headache worse.

Ready for Round 1

2008-04-19T09:41:00.000-07:00

It's that time again: NBA Playoffs time! And it's like the basketball gods knew exactly what I wanted:

That's all I care about.

Flirting with Change

2008-04-15T21:44:00.000-07:00

My parents are trying to get rid of me. They want me to go far away. Probably because I haven't given them grandkids. My baby brother took his way down south, Big Fish keeps his brood around the corner, but apparently I'm just taking up space.

Or maybe they want an outpost up north too.

It started when my dad sent me a job listing for a position in San Francisco. He knows how much I've always wanted to live there, and the job is right up my alley. It's for a great company, too.

C-dub would love for me to live up there with her. Rumor has it that a certain man might be returning to the area too. So I'd have a little tribe ready-made. A really good, sexy tribe in one of the best cities in the world. Who doesn't want that?

But I feel like I just got my sea legs on the job I already have. I've been in the new position for a mere 8 months. But I'm good at it. My employees like me, my boss adores me. And I just had the opportunity to draft plans for a new infrastructure. Little ol' me is helping redirect the future of my company. I like that, both the responsibility and the accolades.

I'm not sure I'm ready to give that up.

Though I suppose it couldn't hurt to dust off the résumé, right?

Lights, Camera, Exasperation

2008-04-15T21:05:00.000-07:00

One of the more heinous inconveniences of living in the entertainment capital of the world is the neverending filming that is done smack in my way. When I was just a co-ed, we were constantly under seige by film crews on UCLA's campus. I can't tell you how many times I was late to class because of some bullshit shoot.

That scene in How High when the car runs into the statue and the head falls off? I was on my way to the library that day. But I couldn't cross the quad because of the damn shoot.

I swear, my life is hard.

It hasn't gotten any easier out here in the real world. Just this last Friday, as I was trying to maneuver around the Dodger game traffic, I passed two separate shoots. Coned off lanes, detours right and left, a tight police presence redirecting traffic, all causing me longer delays. Argh.

We get it a LOT downtown too. Almost every single car commercial advertised in California originated on Bunker Hill. That magical white tunnel that stars in almost every single vehicle ad recently? Like the most recent Cadillac ones: that tunnel is directly outside my office. Guess how often I'm impeded by that crap?

And tonight I get home and find a lovely notice on my front door telling me that parking on our street is going to be compromised for the next few days. Because something called "Mostly Ghostly" is filming in the neighborhood.

DAMMIT.

Thankfully, this sounds like more like a kids film than a cops and robbers flick. That's what they were filming last time. It was fun waking up to the sounds of gunshots in the middle of the night. Like living in the ghetto.

Oh joy.

Faith, Defined

2008-04-13T19:13:00.000-07:00

It was the last face she expected to see in that crowd. She shouldn't have been surprised, they were there, after all, to support his best friend the fillmmaker. It shouldn't have been completely unforseen that he might be there, too. Despite the fact that he lived 3000 miles away.

They had not spoken since his last visit. Life had gotten in the way for both of them. But he hadn't called to say he'd be in town. And he always called.

The first words out of his mouth were, ironically, "what are you doing here?"

She just looked at him. And he knew what she was thinking, but she said it anyway. "You're kidding, right?"

He sighed. "I should have called."

"Yes."

"But I didn't think I'd have time to see you."

"You're here for the film festival?"

"No, I'm actually here on a job. It just worked out that I could come tonight."

She raised an eyebrow, too stunned to speak. She would normally be ecstatic, but in that moment she was numb.

"Sweetie, I'm so sorry," he stammered, as if he'd been caught red-handed. She continued staring at him in disbelief.

"It's been six months."

"No," he protested. "It hasn't! It couldn't have been that long."

"That's the last time you were here."

He continued apologizing to her as they stood ignoring their friends around them. She couldn't tell if she was mad or relieved, the unexpected shock of seeing him in person too disorienting for any other emotion.

And then he hugged her and the world came back into focus.

"It's kismet. I should have let you know, and this is the universe righting my wrongs."

She rolled her eyes and laughed. He could be such a sap. But she couldn't be mad at him. He was genuinely guilt-ridden.

And he always gave such good hugs.

For the Love of Cleavage

2008-04-10T20:00:00.000-07:00

For those keeping track at home, my birthday is in 30 days. 30 days till 30. Woo wee.

To celebrate, I made a serious error in judgment when getting dressed this morning. I have a brown blouse with a deep v-neck. It's just barely modest enough to wear to work. And goes perfectly with the pants that unintentional weight loss suddenly made fit better. Yay!

Girls know that certain tops require certain bras. And not all bras are created equal. You don't wear a thin t-shirt with a lace bra, if only because the pattern will show through, your boobs will look lumpy, and then god forbid if it gets cold. Unless you're a whore, and then what does it matter? By the same token you can't wear a v-neck shirt without a plunging bra that adds a little oomph.

I opted for the razorback. Good support. Again, the girls know what I mean here. What I didn't realize was just how much...uh, more "on parade" my tits were going to be.

If you know me, if you've been reading this for any length of time, you know I absolutely adore my boobs. They're pretty fabulous. And a full 2/3 of the people who end up here randomly did so by searching for this on Google. And that's all well and good, but maybe not so much at work, right?

By noon, my boss had pointed out to me TWICE that I was threatening to pop out of my shirt. Imagine my comfort level when I was later in a closed door meeting with the [male] head of HR. Crossing my arms in front of me only exacerbated the problem. I began wishing I'd worn a muu-muu to work.

On the plus side, the mailroom guy did offer to send my mail for free.

The moral of the story is that I'm never wearing that bra to work again. Happy hour, on the other hand, most definitely.

Overheard in the Gaslamp District

2008-04-09T20:40:00.000-07:00

I really like San Diego. Not enough to move there, much to my baby brother's chagrin, but it has its charm.

And I really love my family. Because we have conversations like this, while we pass a drama unfolding outside a low-rent hotel:

Baby Brother: Check out the brotha and his white girlfriend.

GPG: Aw, he's making her cry. Now he's on the phone telling his boys he's gonna be late cuz the bitch won't stop crying.

Shambot: She is NOT cute. And her clothes needs help.

GPG: Really, what the fuck is she wearing?

Shambot: You'd think if you're not cute, you'd at least try harder with your outfit.

BB: Dude, you are mean.

Shambot: No, it's true. It's about balance. Look at Sam Cassell. He's ugly but also rich and athletic, so it all balances out in the end.

BB: See GPG, that's why she fits in with us. She's the meanest out of all of us.

More reasons to adore the Shambot: she's not Puerto Rican, but still manages to talk smack better than any other cheerleader from the OC, and she make basketball references. I'm so glad she's marrying my baby brother.

T-33 Days

2008-04-07T20:16:00.000-07:00

33 is my lucky number, and has been since Grant Hill's rookie year. He's such a cutie pie.

Now it's a mere 33 days until my 30th birthday. And for the first time in 30 years, I'm not exactly excited.

I'm more nervous than anything. And I can't quite articulate why.

It might have something to do with the list I made nearly 18 months ago, detailing what I meant to accomplish before the Big Day. To my great disappointment, I've only knocked about 4 things off the 19-item list. They've been good ones. I managed to get that passport, run what amounts to 2 marathons, pay off a massive amount of debt, and we even took that girlie weekend away. But it doesn't seem like enough.

Truly, I'm very hard to please and rarely ever satisfied. With myself or anyone else.

You'd think it would be pretty easy to become "notorious." Well, I've reached "infamous" among my coworkers, so at least I'm getting somewhere there. But I've given up numerous opportunities to go salsa dancing. More often than not, work gets in the way. That's a really lame excuse.

Learning ballet, tracing my lineage, traveling deep into Mexico and/or Europe...not at all. But the true failure is what should have been the easiest: a simple kiss under the pier at sunset. After all, up until 3 months ago, I lived right there by the beach.

But I think I gave up on that when I gave in to a man, nearly a year ago. Who, on our first date, told me I'd have to find someone else to do that with because he didn't like the beach. We would later go on to spend a lot of time near the beach, but never on it. He really hated sand. And in all the ways that he failed me, ways big and small, this is one of the most regrettable ones.

So I cheated myself out of that one, plain and simple. But I have 33 days to make it right.

The question is, will I? I guess I have to start auditioning willing participants.

Great. Because artificially constructing the backdrop for one great kiss doesn't destroy the romance completely, does it?

What a sad story.

Photoblogging Sunday 4.6.08

2008-04-06T20:31:00.001-07:00

Don't get all excited. I just happened to have my camera out while driving around the Gaslamp District. And I'm still so pissed off about Saturday's game, I can't quite write about anything. Because seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?

Anyway:

Here's the question: it's supposedly called The Local. But to me it looks like The Loca 1. Which, when put with the rest of the sign "eatery and watering hole," really makes me think it should be a strip bar.

Anyone else think so?

Overheard on the Phone

2008-04-04T19:05:00.000-07:00

It is a very good thing that I have an office with a door. The walls aren't soundproof, but it at least lets me get away with some very naughty conversations with my favorite Spank Artist.

This was not one of those, but maybe I'll post one some day.

Spanky is a devout Democrat. Only part of the reason I love him. Others are that he's suprisingly down to earth despite being exceptionally rich and also lets me tease him mercilessly about his white guilt.

He also likes my boobs. But who doesn't?

GPG: So, Hillary or Obama?

Spanky: Obama all the way! Of course.

GPG: Why "of course"? Why do you hate women?

Spanky: *sighs* There's no way to win with you.

It's true.

It's Painful in My Brains

2008-04-03T20:01:00.000-07:00

Have I completely convinced you that I'm retarded yet? Well here are some more examples:

- Last night I wrote a check and noted the number in the check ledger. The check number immediately before was 585 and the next one was 587. So tell me why I wrote 568? Because I'm either dyslexic...or retarded!

- Speaking of checks, I had two to deposit. I put them both in an envelope...then put that envelope next to some junk mail to be thrown away. Guess what went in the trash? It was later rescued by my mom. Who is clearly not retarded. So I can't be half-retarded on my mother's side, like this guy. So maybe it's on my dad's side? Is there even such thing as a retarded Puerto Rican? Doubtful.

Really, how much more do you need?